Settling? Or Just Plain Picky?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of "settling." It's such an unsettling word, isn't it? In relationships, this word denotes the act of staying with someone who you know is wrong for you, rather than holding out for someone better.

I've done quite a bit of settling in my life, but luckily I've managed to get out of those relationships at some point. And I'm always relieved when I do.

But here is the question... When is it settling, and when is it just being too picky? After all, no one is perfect. You can't have everything, right? But at the same time, you deserve nothing but the best, dangit. (Unless you're a jerk. Because then you deserve someone who is equally jerky. But I am confident that there are no jerks reading this blog.)

I heard the other day that you can be satisfied if you've found someone who fits 80% of what you're looking for in a romantic partner. HOWEVER, the additional 20% (the part that you're "settling for") should be menial stuff. ("We have different tastes in music," "He watches sports a little more than I'd like," etc.) The 20% should NOT consist of major character flaws (i.e. abusiveness) or differences in major life values (i.e. religion).

I think that rule of thumb is pretty right on. So I guess my work here is done.

Not quite. It sounds easy in theory, but when you're in the thick of a relationship—where there are feelings flying all over the place, for all kinds of reasons—the 80/20 ratio can get blurry. And before you know it, you're either settling for someone you shouldn't be, or you're ending a relationship for petty reasons.

So here's what I'm going to do. (And I challenge you single peeps to do this too!) I'm going to make a list of all of the things I wish for in a man. I'm essentially going to draft my perfect man on paper. (Even though I already know it's this guy.) Then I'm going to mark which of those traits should be in the 80th percentile and which should go in the 20th percentile.

I'm doing this because I think sometimes writing things down makes them more concrete when you're in a difficult situation. Not that this list is the Holy Grail that I must follow by the letter, but maybe it will give this fickle head of mine a better idea of what I should be looking for-slash-not settling for.

Ooh, this is going to be fun! I'll consider it my next experiment! We'll call it the 80/20 Experiment.

Stay tuned...

Good tidings

I won't be posting anything for a few days, because I'm too busy to write and you're too busy to read. Plus, at this time of year, I think we should all step away from the computers for a while and spend our time with real people. People who mean so much more to us than blogs and news and shopping and life's everyday sensory overload.

Merry Christmas!

Love,
Juliet

Christmas Song Gone Wrong

When I was a kid, the song "I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" made me want to cry. At that time, I didn't know that Santa = Daddy. So it really bothered me that the mommy was seemingly cheating on the daddy, AND that they were making a song about it! Weren't Christmas songs supposed to make you feel warm and cozy? Gosh.

I stopped believing in Santa when I was 7 years old, I think. (Which seems young, does it not?) And I'm ashamed to admit that I STILL didn't "get" the song until I was about 12! I don't know why it took me so long; funny how that happens sometimes. But all of those years, I would shake my head in indignation, disturbed and slightly terrified that they were playing this song about a two-timing mother.

I'll never forget the day I realized that the Santa she was kissing was the kid's dad dressed as Santa! It somehow just clicked—finally—and I instantly felt stupid for not figuring it out five years earlier, and ashamed for judging the mom so badly when all she was doing was loving her husband.

I can't believe I just told you that story. I really do have some intelligence floating around in this brain of mine, I swear.

I found this video of an adorable little girl singing "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." I wonder if she's as bothered by it as I was. I'm guessing probably not.

Let's Talk About Sex

I try to avoid writing about sex on this blog because it's such a complicated and personal subject. But there are some things that just need to be said, and this is one of them...

Today a friend of mine linked to this article on Twitter, about how young people are dating less and just hooking up more. In fact, it says that hooking up is the new dating.

"Hooking up" basically means having a one-night stand. But, the article emphasizes, the upside is that these one-night stands are most likely happening with people they already know, instead of some random drunk at the bar. (Although I hear that the random drunks are still in the running too.)

The article talks about the pros and cons of this issue.

The pros?

Hooking up emphasizes group friendships over the one-pair model of dating, and, therefore, removes the negative stigma from those who can’t get a date. As [professor and author Kathleen Bogle] put it, “It used to be that if you couldn’t get a date, you were a loser.” Now, she said, you just hang out with your friends and hope that something happens.

Oookaaay...? So people who normally can't get a date might have a better chance of hooking up in a group setting? Umm... I'll take the optimistic route and hope this means that you're developing friendships with people first, and through that, someone might be more interested in you than if they barely knew you. Because by hanging out with you they learned how great you really are. So, instead of asking you on a date, they ask you to go into the back room to hook up. Because they like you for who you really are.

Sorry, I just can't do the optimism thing in this case.

Then it goes on to give the cons...

The cons center on the issues of gender inequity. Girls get tired of hooking up because they want it to lead to a relationship (the guys don’t), and, as they get older, they start to realize that it’s not a good way to find a spouse. Also, there’s an increased likelihood of sexual assaults because hooking up is often fueled by alcohol.

I was surprised when I read the first sentence. I understand what it means by gender inequity because it's true, girls make hooking up emotional and guys typically do not. But I thought the first con would be that people are giving themselves away too quickly! They are taking things out of order, risking not only confusion and heartache, but also sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy!

And speaking of pregnancy... I am obviously not one to judge. In fact, I admit (begrudgingly, because my pastor is reading this) that I've done exactly what this article is talking about. And that's why I can say without a doubt that this whole hooking-up-instead-of-dating thing is dangerous. I have experienced the emptiness, the shame, the fear, the mixed messages, the whole roller coaster of emotions that can come from such an activity. I have been burned by men I truly cared about. I have burned men that truly cared about me. I have paid for those experiences in relationships that came after them. And I have lived through every unmarried woman's worst nightmare... seeing that little blue line on the pregnancy test.

So to know that this is becoming a regular occurrence in our culture? Breaks my heart. Because I don't want another woman to go through the crap that I went through. I want women to never have to wonder if the guy likes her for her awesomeness, or because she is awesome in bed. I want both women and men to be able to wake up in the morning and not regret what happened the night before. I want men to man up, dangit, and ask women on real, legitimate dates again. I want the blurry lines between lust and respect to be sharpened again.

I could go on all night but I won't.

To be continued...

The Good Stuff

I don't know if you've noticed, but I've had a bit of a case of writer's block lately. Partly because my schedule has been pretty hectic, but mainly because it can be difficult to write something compelling about love every night.

So tonight I'm just going to write about some good things going on in my life. Because sometimes that's more exciting to write/read about than breakups or dating advice. The cool thing about this is that I've definitely come 180 from a couple of weeks ago. We women are like that—our moods can change in a nanosecond. It must be because of all those emotional receptors floating around in our brains.

So this is what's making me happy lately...

1) My awesome sister Stella is coming home for Christmas! For a whole week! And she's staying at MY HOUSE! We're gonna gossip and paint our toenails and get in fights about how messy she is! Yay!

2) My job has been more fulfilling than usual lately because I've been involved in some big-picture stuff, which sometimes makes the nitty-gritty, daily-grind stressors a little more worth it.

3) I moved to a new town in August and I've already made a ton of new friends. I'm amazed at how quickly some of those friendships have developed. Have you ever met a person or group of people and you just jive so well together that you can't even imagine how you lived your life before they came along? Yeah, that's happening to me with some of my new friends.

4) My old friends still love me too.

5) (Okay, this one kind of relates to love...) I've been on a few dates with this great guy and whenever I see or hear from him, my stomach turns upside down and my face turns into one big cheesy grin, for a good thirty minutes or so.

6) My daughter is so excited about Christmas that she's starting to make ME believe in Santa Claus again.

7) I have a new vacuum cleaner.

8) I'm going to a bunch of parties in the next couple of weeks. And really, a good party is the bread and butter of my social life. I. Love. Parties.

I hope all of you are finding happiness in your lives too, even despite the junk going on in the world right now. Thanks for reading.

Only in Italy

This past weekend I watched Roman Holiday for the first time. This flick is a rather forward-thinking film that was made in 1953, starring the brilliant Audrey Hepburn and the devastatingly handsome Gregory Peck.

I've never really cared for the older films (except for Elvis Presley movies... I am madly in love with Elvis). So I was surprised that Roman Holiday had me glued to the screen the entire time. It's a captivating story about repression, freedom, friendship, duty. And of course, there's a little love thrown into the mix.

Here's a brief plot overview: A princess comes to Italy while on a "world tour," so to speak. The princess is young and very refined. But she's bursting to experience life outside the castle walls, so she runs away for what she thinks will only be a few hours. Of course, Italy is the most vibrant, charismatic, pleasure-seeking place on earth. It is the exact opposite of her stoic, secure royal life. So she soaks in every last drop of it, undergoing a much-needed awakening, and meets some good friends (and one hot man—ooh la la!) along the way.

What's interesting about this story is that most people would love to be royalty. We love the idea of being waited on hand and foot, and having all the finest things, and being practically worshiped by everyone we meet. But this story makes you realize that those things can be so stifling. And all of a sudden real life—in all of its spontaneous glory—seems more appealing than ever.

If you haven't seen this film, please do so soon, and tell me what you think of it. Buona sera!

The Holiday Breakup

Aah, the holidays...

I'm already starting to feel the warm fuzzies I always feel at this time of year. There's just something about the sparkling Christmas lights, the feel-good music, and the many gatherings with family and friends, that makes this time of year so outstanding.

Unless you're in a relationship that you need/want to get out of. Then the holidays can be one big sappy nuisance.

I've actually been through three holiday breakups. I've been both the dumper and the dumpee, and neither one is pleasant. (Although the dumpee role is especially biting.) But I survived them. And I had considered postponing one of those breakups for after the holidays, because I didn't want to make the dude sad at Christmastime. But I decided to bite the bullet and end it right away (which was two weeks before Christmas), and I'm glad I did.

Happenmag.com has a great article on how to tactfully and peacefully break up with someone during the holidays. The article contains this great quote about why it's such a difficult thing to do at this time of year...

“Everything about the holidays reminds us of family, love and ritual,” explains Kathleen Hall, CEO of Atlanta’s Stress Institute. “We see emotional movies. We go to the mall and see lovers holding hands. We go to restaurants and see couples kissing and eating together. Holidays are a sensual time of smells, food, music, lights and decorations. It is a time that we naturally want to share with another person.”

And despite that very sensory experience, the article also recommends dumping the person right away instead of prolonging it—agonizing as it may be.

You can read the rest of the article here.

The Age Difference Factor Part 3 (And then I'm done, I swear!)

Well, I am certainly going to think twice before I give you folks permission to psychoanalyze me again. Holy moly, was that a humbling experience!

But in many ways, I deserved it. After re-reading yesterday's post, I admit that I was stereotyping, and I also sounded a bit elitist. I was just channeling years' worth of frustration, and remembering all of the things I didn't like about the many younger guys I've dated. Unfortunately, I lumped those things together, alluding to the fact that all young guys act that way all the time and therefore they're, like, sooo beneath me. It was wrong of me to make such generalizations, and I apologize if I offended anyone.

However, I still firmly believe it's neither foolish nor close-minded to think twice about dating someone who is either much younger or much older than you. After all, you are supposed to relate to your partner to some extent. And I don't know if it's an American culture thing or a human nature thing, but in general, we simply relate better to the people in our same age group. Dating someone outside of your age group could naturally cause some discrepancies in lifestyle, and also potential problems with that all-too-important component called communication.

I'm not saying it WILL cause problems but that it COULD.

I'm also not saying that EVERY relationship that has an age discrepancy is a failure. In fact, I know some of you reading this are in a relationship with someone much older or younger than you and it works for you. But it doesn't necessarily work for EVERYONE.

In closing, I absolutely agree with the commenter who said it should be taken on a case-by-case basis. But I also believe that age differences (particularly in an older woman/younger man combo) could potentially cause more problems than you may realize, so you should investigate that case a little more closely.

Okay, I'm done. Onto lighter, happier things tomorrow...

The Age Difference Factor Part 2

So yesterday my friend Seth wrote a great post about why it's not a good idea for a guy to date an older woman.

Now I'm going to write about my struggles being... ahem... the older woman.

I'm 28 years old, and the last time I dated someone older than me was three years ago. I honestly DON'T EVEN REMEMBER the last time I dated someone my own age. When I was in college, I think? Other than that, it's all been younger guys—and primarily guys who are at least two years younger, sometimes more. (Paris was four years younger than me, which I now know played a huge part in why we are no longer together.)

This past Thanksgiving, while visiting my family, my sister and my aunt rather boldly declared/demanded, "Juliet, from now on you can only date men who are AT LEAST five years older than you. Five to ten years older. No more young guys!" Their body language and tone of voice were scary enough for me to comply on the spot. "O-o-o-o-kaaaay!" I stuttered, in fear of a beating if I had replied otherwise.

They were only looking out for my best interests. I have had a pretty long string of bad luck, after all, and the one thing most of my past boyfriends have in common is that they've all been younger than me. There must be a pattern here.

But. Guys my age or older—who are not already married, in a serious relationship, or total weirdos—are IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND. The only reason I keep going out with the young guys is because they're the only ones left! Seriously.

To mimic Seth's list, here are the problems with dating a younger guy (and by younger I mean early to mid twenties). (Disclaimer: I say these things not to make fun, but because they are true. And I know that not all younger guys are like this, but the majority are. I should know.)

1. Priorities.
My priorities: My daughter, my job, and my health.
Young guy's priorities: Himself, getting a job, and his social life.

2. Preferences.
My idea of a good Friday night: Hangin' with a small group of friends at someone's house.
Young guy's idea of a good Friday night: Hangin' with his buddies while attempting to pick up chicks at a noisy bar.

3. Romance.
My idea of a good date: Talking about politics over sushi, followed by a movie in the comfort of one or the other's home.
Young guy's idea of a good date: Dinner at Applebee's, followed by barely audible conversation over seven beers at a noisy bar.

4. And speaking of conversation...
My favorite things to talk about: My family, faith, culture, politics, films, books.
Young guy's favorite things to talk about: Himself, his accomplishments, himself, his friends... and did I mention himself?


Okay, maybe I'm being a little harsh on the young guys, but I'm not too far off-base. However, until I meet someone my age or—to obey the command of my sister and aunt—someone at least five years older than me, this is what I'm left with.

Or am I just being too picky? You have my permission to psychoanalyze me.

The Age Difference Factor

Our guest blogger Seth is back with yet another great entry! It's funny how it happened this time. He emailed me the other day asking if he can write a post about age differences in relationships. It just so happens that I was planning on writing a post about that very subject this week!

As you will see below, Seth has a cool perspective on the whole thing, so he wrote about it for today, and I will be writing the girl's perspective tomorrow.

Just to give some background... Seth is 26 years old and often dates girls older than him. I am 28 and often date guys younger than me. This is what makes the guy-girl perspective on the same problem so cool. Read on...
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A year ago, I was engaged to a woman who was four years older than me. We didn’t break up over the age difference, but the age gap would have caused some SIGNIFICANT things to work through in marriage. My current policy is that I don’t date anyone older than me. Period. (My friend Steph always says “but what if you meet someone who JUST turned 27 two weeks before you met,” so I suppose there are exceptions).

The younger guy/older woman combo is a hot thing in our culture right now, due to the Ashton/Demi thing, the divorce rate, and umm… Sarah Palin, who’s proof that women are staying active, beautiful (some women actually look better in their 30’s and 40’s than they did in their 20’s), energetic, and fun right through their 40’s.

Here are five problems I see arising in the majority of younger guy/older woman relationships.

1. Parenting. I don’t know many guys who are looking forward to this role in life more than me. I recently started collecting vinyl records, in part because I want my kids to know the feeling of dropping the needle on classic albums like Bruce Springsteen’s Born to Run. I think about that stuff. A lot. But right now, I’m not at the point where I can dedicate as much energy and focus to parenting as a kid deserves. I will love any child that comes into my life (the only thing that makes me sad about the thought of step-kids is missing a part of their lives), but now is just not the time. If I was dating a woman older than me (let’s say, 30), now would DEFINITELY be the time for her. Either way, one party is giving up their dreams. Compromising is one thing, but letting go of your deepest desires in life—that only leads to resentment, and eventually hatred, in a relationship.

2. Financial. I would actually consider myself a “mild feminist,” but I still believe that a guy needs to be getting out there and providing the financial means for a good life for his spouse, and eventually, children. (Fortunately, women make closer to what they’re worth now, and I just may wind up with someone who makes more than me. In that case, great. I’ll buy myself those $3,000 racing bike wheels I want.) I just finished up grad school a year ago, and I have not secured myself financially enough to be able to provide for a woman older than me (again, let’s say 30), who has been on her own and deserves a husband who can improve her financial security in life.

3. Nesting. I have yet to pay more than $50 for a piece of furniture. I will soon own two bicycles that cost $x,xxx (it’s probably better that I don’t fill in the x’s). Women tend to develop a strong “nesting instinct,” meaning that they think it’s quite important to live in a way that’s less thrift-store and less nomadic than my current existence. This is a very good thing, as I would eventually like to sleep on a bed and put my clothes in a dresser that didn’t come from a dead relative. But again, I’m not ready for this, nor can I provide it financially. (Give me another two years, and I’ll probably be ready for something different.)

4. Danger. People die doing my hobbies. Not many, but each year we lose a few ironman competitors and mountain bikers to broken necks, broken backs, collisions with cars, and dehydration. I don’t know what the “adventure phase” of life looks like in women (it’s obviously there, because there are women who kick my butt in races), but most guys need a time to “sow their wild oats.” (Sadly, many guys think that this means getting really drunk and sleeping with girls they don’t care about, when what would really quench their desires is a good old-fashioned adventure). My friend John used to race snowmobiles. After he got married, he wrecked, punctured a lung, and almost died. His wife asked him to stop. He did (which was the right decision). I won’t always be a daredevil. But a woman older than me will probably want a guy who’s home more than I want to be right now, and for sure deserves a guy who has a better chance of not leaving her a widow than I can currently offer.

5. Maturity. By almost all accounts, I'm a pretty mature 26. But even I see that women tend to develop emotionally and psychologically at a different rate than men. (I'm not sure if this is cultural or programmed into our DNA.) At this stage in my life, this is the one area where it would actually be fine for me to date a woman older than me. However, from personal observation and experience, I've seen that the "maturity issues" don't usually pop up in an older woman/younger guy relationship until a few months in (keep in mind that new daters tend to be "on their game" and give the other person what they want to see) so my advice is to be cautious even if the maturity levels seem to match up in the beginning.

Awesome input, Seth! I'd like to hear from the male readership on this one. Are you dating or married to an older woman right now? How's that workin' out for ya? Let us know!! -Juliet

The Other Side of the Window

I'm doing much better today. I think going to work helped me, believe it or not. Sometimes the weekends can be kinda lonely for single people, which only adds more dirty water to that pool of misery we tend to wallow in. But the activity of the work day, being around other people, taking your mind off of your personal crap and instead focusing on what needs to be done in Work World... this is sometimes the best remedy to an extreme case of that nasty little disease called Self-Pity.

So now that I'm a little more cheerful, I'd like to spread some cheer by telling a really cool story I heard today.

One of my co-workers got engaged this weekend. When she was describing her fiancé and how she knew she wanted to marry him, she put it this way...

"You know how the older you get, the less picky you become about the little things? Like if the guy can't cook, for example. Some of those expectations you once had, you now throw out the window, ya know? Because chances are, you're not going to find someone who can fulfill them. Well, it was as if [my fiancé] was standing outside the window, catching all of the things I was throwing out."

I thought this was a sweet story and an awesome analogy. And it just goes to show that sometimes your expectations will be more than met.

Poor Me...

I don't know if it's because of the cold weather or the holidays or what, but I've been in some kind of funk lately. I've been walking around in a big black cloud, a permanent scowl on my face, heart heavy, tears almost always at the brink of forming.

I'm being a big baby, of course. I have no right to complain about anything, because the truth is, I have a good life. Like a really, REALLY good life. Especially compared to the thousands of people all over the country right now who are losing their jobs, their homes and even their families.

But no matter how much I try to put things into perspective, I'm still in the funk. And I can't seem to get out of it.

So I need to write about it.

There are many things for which I have pity on myself, but in keeping with the theme of this blog, I will list here only my love-related gripes.

Just a warning: I'm really baring my soul here. Read at your own risk...

1. I'm sad that I could have been married right now, if Paris hadn't gone and been an idiot.
2. I'm sad that all of the dates I've gone on lately have been fun, yes, but they all leave me feeling like something's missing.
3. I'm sad that I'm still a single mom. I thought I'd have help by now but I don't, and I'm exhausted.
4. I'm sad that this is my first Christmas having divorced parents.
5. I'm sad that it seems everywhere I go, I see couples who are happy and lovey and kissy and huggy...

There. I let it out.

I know that I need to stop reflecting on these things and instead just live my life. But that's easier said than done. I know I'll be fine, though. This isn't the first funk I've been in, and historically it doesn't take me long to recover.

But for now, the funk ain't fun.

Fascinating Advice from a Fascinating Person

Last night I watched Barbara Walters' 10 Most Fascinating People of 2008. One of those people was actor Will Smith.

As we all know, Smith has been married to Jada Pinkett Smith for the past 11 years. You always hear that these two have a great marriage, but you can never really trust if that's the truth. It is Hollywood, after all.

But Barbara addresses this in her interview with Smith, when she talks about the difference between his previous marriage with Sheree Zampino, which ended badly, and his current marriage with Jada...

Barbara: You've said now that divorce is not an option.

Will: Yeah. If divorce is not an option, we MIGHT wanna figure out how we could, like, have some fun together? Since we're gonna be here.

Barbara: Rather than, "Gee, if it doesn't work out, we'll get divorced."

Will: Yeah. Being married is the most difficult thing you're ever gonna do in your life, EVER! Anybody who's married, and divorce is an option? You're gettin' divorced.

Love it!

This kind of mimics the Kyra Sedgwick quote I wrote about a while back. It's the brilliant (yet basic) idea that you have to go into a marriage knowing that it's never, ever going to end. That's the only way it will work, or else you're... well... screwed.

The only problem is, how do you adopt the divorce-is-not-an-option mentality? And not only adopt it, but maintain it year after year after year?

If anyone has the secret, please lemme know before I get married. (Which, at this rate, won't be happening for a while, so take your time.)

Also, I have to say that I think parenting is "the most difficult thing you're ever gonna do in your life, EVER!" So either marriage is even more difficult (Lord, help me), or the fact that I've survived parenting (so far!) means that I'll be able to survive marriage? Perhaps?

Here's the full interview with Will Smith. Let me know what you think of it!

Do you have a work spouse?

My friend (what up, nodrama) sent me the link to this story, about how to identify whether or not you have a "Work Spouse."

What is a work spouse? Read and find out! Then tell me if you have one and how that whole thang's workin' out for you.

Gold-diggers are goin' down

Thanks to everyone who participated in yesterday's "Work-Out Partner" poll. Your responses were varied, and every one of them were valid! I guess the bottom line is, it's a matter of preference.

Incidentally, today while running on the treadmill I was reading an article about Kate Winslet in Vanity Fair. The writer asked Kate something about what happiness looks like for her, outside of work.

Her response...

"I need to be looked after. I'm not talking about diamond rings and nice restaurants and fancy stuff—in fact, that makes me uncomfortable. I didn't grow up with it and it's not me, you know. But I need someone to say to me, 'Shall I run you a bath?' or 'Let's go to the pub, just us.' I mean, the things that make me the happiest in the whole world are going on the occasional picnic, either with my children or with my partner. Big family gatherings, and being able to go to the grocery store—if I can get those things in, I'm doing good."

I think Kate was reading my mind when she said this, because I would have said pretty much every single word, verbatim. (Except for the grocery store part, because I detest that dreadful place. But I guess if you're a celebrity you never get to go to the grocery store, so in that case it's a rare pleasure for Kate.)

But the part about being looked after and taken care of? It's about so much more than the bling bling. It's about being pampered with affection and—more importantly—one's time. This is why I get angry with the money-hungry, gold-digging girls who are giving women a really, really bad name.

Guys, most of us women don't want your money. Most of us want what Kate Winslet wants... just someone who desires to go to the pub with no one else in the world but us.

(And in my case, someone who will go to the grocery store for me. Just sayin'.)

Work-Out Partner

I have a new hobby. It's called exercise. Have you heard of it? It's pretty sweet.

I prefer to work out at a gym, not only because of all of the great equipment and fitness classes available, but also because I can continue to practice my Scarcity Myth Experiment techniques on the many attractive men at the gym. (Priorities, right?) Oh, and the company I work for pays for my gym membership if I go twelve times a month! So that means I'm working out with great equipment, awesome fitness classes, and attractive men FOR FREE. Does it get any better than that?

Didn't think so.

One of the other things I like to do at the gym is people-watch. There are some real characters at that place. My favorites are the guys who yell at the top of their lungs when they're lifting weights, and the people who sing along with their iPod while walking on the treadmill, completely unaware that everyone around them can hear them. And then there are the die-hards, the ones who use that one crazy resistance machine that everyone else is afraid of. Or the ones who contort their bodies in all kinds of crazy positions because they read in Rock Hard Fitness! magazine that standing on your head while curling 20-pound weights with your toes reduces the risk of throat cancer by 55 percent. These people are my heroes.

One of the main groups of people I love to watch are the couples. (I'm sure that comes as a surprise.) You can always tell when a man and a woman working out together are involved romantically. The younger couples are flirtatious, and usually very hot. The couples who appear to have been married for 30-plus years are typically diverse in their gym activities. One day they're doing yoga, the next day it's the elliptical, the next it's swimming. You can tell these people just love being active, and they love being active together.

Of course, I'm talking about the people who are regulars. But what about the average joe couple? What about the boyfriend and girlfriend who've been dating for only a couple of months? Or the husband and wife who haven't stepped foot inside a gym since before they walked down the aisle? I'm guessing that, in these cases, the desire to work out together might be a little different.

I've only had one boyfriend with whom I went to the gym, and it wasn't fun. At all. I was self-conscious, first of all. I'm not one of those girls who looks pretty while working out. No, I sweat and my face gets red and there's jiggling... it's just not a pretty sight. Plus, it was awkward to know when to talk to him and when not to. And everyone around us could hear our conversations. None of it felt natural to me, and I prefer to feel good when I exercise, not awkward and insecure.

On the other hand, I also don't like the isolating feeling of going to the gym by myself. I love my workouts and I want to talk to someone about them! I want to share the ups and downs of setting a fitness goal and then accomplishing it. I want for someone to hold me accountable, and for me to hold someone else accountable. It seems like a boyfriend/husband would be a natural fit for such a role.

What do you think? Let's take it to the polls!

Working out at a gym with your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend... Yay or nay?