So yesterday my friend Seth wrote a great post about why it's not a good idea for a guy to date an older woman.
Now I'm going to write about my struggles being... ahem... the older woman.
I'm 28 years old, and the last time I dated someone older than me was three years ago. I honestly DON'T EVEN REMEMBER the last time I dated someone my own age. When I was in college, I think? Other than that, it's all been younger guys—and primarily guys who are at least two years younger, sometimes more. (Paris was four years younger than me, which I now know played a huge part in why we are no longer together.)
This past Thanksgiving, while visiting my family, my sister and my aunt rather boldly declared/demanded, "Juliet, from now on you can only date men who are AT LEAST five years older than you. Five to ten years older. No more young guys!" Their body language and tone of voice were scary enough for me to comply on the spot. "O-o-o-o-kaaaay!" I stuttered, in fear of a beating if I had replied otherwise.
They were only looking out for my best interests. I have had a pretty long string of bad luck, after all, and the one thing most of my past boyfriends have in common is that they've all been younger than me. There must be a pattern here.
But. Guys my age or older—who are not already married, in a serious relationship, or total weirdos—are IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND. The only reason I keep going out with the young guys is because they're the only ones left! Seriously.
To mimic Seth's list, here are the problems with dating a younger guy (and by younger I mean early to mid twenties). (Disclaimer: I say these things not to make fun, but because they are true. And I know that not all younger guys are like this, but the majority are. I should know.)
1. Priorities.
My priorities: My daughter, my job, and my health.
Young guy's priorities: Himself, getting a job, and his social life.
2. Preferences.
My idea of a good Friday night: Hangin' with a small group of friends at someone's house.
Young guy's idea of a good Friday night: Hangin' with his buddies while attempting to pick up chicks at a noisy bar.
3. Romance.
My idea of a good date: Talking about politics over sushi, followed by a movie in the comfort of one or the other's home.
Young guy's idea of a good date: Dinner at Applebee's, followed by barely audible conversation over seven beers at a noisy bar.
4. And speaking of conversation...
My favorite things to talk about: My family, faith, culture, politics, films, books.
Young guy's favorite things to talk about: Himself, his accomplishments, himself, his friends... and did I mention himself?
Okay, maybe I'm being a little harsh on the young guys, but I'm not too far off-base. However, until I meet someone my age or—to obey the command of my sister and aunt—someone at least five years older than me, this is what I'm left with.
Or am I just being too picky? You have my permission to psychoanalyze me.
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4 comments:
In our culture, it seems like 25 is the pivotal age for true adulthood for both guys and girls. I say at the minimum keep it at 26 and above.
Dang...this is sadly too true. I was actually closer to where you're at when I was 22/23 years old (expept I was freaking broke), but I had the rest down.
Never thought about a woman's perspective from this situation before. Will I be seen as the "wierd guy" if I'm not married by the time I'm out of my "mid twenties" (I've only got a year of "mid twenties" left).
This is VERY thought provoking.
Our minds have the unshakable need to reduce. The average one of us is overwhelmed with the volume of people we meet in every conceivable medium. It is simply too much to begin to process or comprehend So we are forced to try to sort, to reduce. We designate, we label, we diminish, we create hierarchies and categories.
Jon is talking about his friends. That matches priority one. You leave the date early and save an hour. Rob watches football and football is a young guy thing, so it is bad, bad, bad.
We do this and to a certain extent we must do this. We must create categories, and to an extent, hierarchies. The easiest of all is to simply dismiss.
Oh how gloriously comforting it is to be able to write someone off. Thus, in the overcrowded pantheon of men, you can dismiss men younger than 27 because people have had bad experiences with these men. One less thing to think about.
We find enemies in our experiences because we know them better. Their proximity and familiarity means we don't have to get off the couch to dismantle them.
When a 32-year-old man likes Applebees, the benchmark is raised. Now, we must only date men above 40. At 40, no man likes Applebees or drinking beer. They don't care about their accomplishments or talking about their friends. I know 40-year-olds like this. They exist. They are liars. They are married. These other men, the single 40-year-old men, are older versions of their 23-year-old brethren. We dismiss them too.
It's exhausting.
Worse. Dismissal kills chance -- the possibility of meeting someone who is real and superb and breathtaking because their age doesn't fit in the right field.
So many things matter in a relationship. Age shouldn't be a priority on the list.
Pretty harsh on us young guys, you know! My personal opinion is that it would be a mistake to not give someone a chance because of their age. I think your list is mostly true, but there are a ton of young guys out there that don't go out to bars, or least don't drink 7 beers on a date (talk about a lack of restraint).
I think generalizing can cause you to miss out on something great, looking at your list it sounds like what you're looking for is someone that shares your interests and not the Frat Boy type. Older people have different priorities too, my opinion is that you have to take every person on a case by case basis. A serious relationship can straighten some of those young hoodlums out.
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