6 Signs You're About To Get Dumped

It's funny how, when you're in a relationship with someone you're crazy about, you may not notice when that person is trying to get rid of you. The signs seem so clear in retrospect, but at the time, it's easy to be in denial.

This article on Savvymiss.com gives the top six signs you're about to get dumped. It's written for women, but I think it can apply to either gender.

According to the article, you're about to get dumped if....

1. He's no longer interested in intimacy with you.
2. He's picking silly fights.
3. He says "I need space" or "I think we should see other people." [This seems like a big duh to me, but again, denial...]
4. He pats your back while hugging you. [Ooh, an obscure one that involves the ever-so-subtle body language. This is a good one.]
5. He buys a pre-paid cell phone or a pager.
6. He's suddenly paying a lot more attention to his appearance.

You can read further explanation of these signs here.

Do you agree with this list? Is there anything missing?

The 80/20 Experiment

Well, I finally finished my 80/20 Experiment list. I suppose it wasn't very surprising. After all, I've been dating for about 15 years now; I do know what I'm looking for in a man!

But what was surprising was determining which are the non-negotiables and which can be thrown out the window.

In making the list, I separated it into five categories:
1. Looks
2. Personality
3. Values
4. Things He Likes
5. How He Treats Me

I'm not going to share all of the specific line items, as I feel it's personal. (Plus, I don't think it's wise to publish my recipe for a perfect man on the World Wide Web. Any wackadoo could approach me claiming to posess all that falls into the 80-percent category. No thanks!) However, I will say that every item in the "Values" category (i.e. religion, family) fell in the 80th percentile, while most of the items in the "Things He Likes" category (food, music) were labeled as 20-percenters.

I listed 38 things total. Eighty percent of that is roughly 30, and 20 percent is 8. So there were 8 things that I could take or leave. The rest were the non-negotiables. Which is kind of scary. Because 30 is a much higher number than 8. I fear that my 80-percent Man might not actually exist. But it is that belief that causes me to settle, so I need to change that mindset! That is the whole purpose of this exercise!

It feels weird talking about this kind of thing in such mathematical terms. After all, we are talking about human beings here. And I don't plan on consulting this list every time I meet someone new. It's just a good way of identifying what matters and what doesn't. And I'm sure it will at least serve as a reminder from time to time of those traits that I cannot and should not settle for.

Did anyone else make a list? Or have you in the past? How has it worked for you?

Settling? Or Just Plain Picky?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of "settling." It's such an unsettling word, isn't it? In relationships, this word denotes the act of staying with someone who you know is wrong for you, rather than holding out for someone better.

I've done quite a bit of settling in my life, but luckily I've managed to get out of those relationships at some point. And I'm always relieved when I do.

But here is the question... When is it settling, and when is it just being too picky? After all, no one is perfect. You can't have everything, right? But at the same time, you deserve nothing but the best, dangit. (Unless you're a jerk. Because then you deserve someone who is equally jerky. But I am confident that there are no jerks reading this blog.)

I heard the other day that you can be satisfied if you've found someone who fits 80% of what you're looking for in a romantic partner. HOWEVER, the additional 20% (the part that you're "settling for") should be menial stuff. ("We have different tastes in music," "He watches sports a little more than I'd like," etc.) The 20% should NOT consist of major character flaws (i.e. abusiveness) or differences in major life values (i.e. religion).

I think that rule of thumb is pretty right on. So I guess my work here is done.

Not quite. It sounds easy in theory, but when you're in the thick of a relationship—where there are feelings flying all over the place, for all kinds of reasons—the 80/20 ratio can get blurry. And before you know it, you're either settling for someone you shouldn't be, or you're ending a relationship for petty reasons.

So here's what I'm going to do. (And I challenge you single peeps to do this too!) I'm going to make a list of all of the things I wish for in a man. I'm essentially going to draft my perfect man on paper. (Even though I already know it's this guy.) Then I'm going to mark which of those traits should be in the 80th percentile and which should go in the 20th percentile.

I'm doing this because I think sometimes writing things down makes them more concrete when you're in a difficult situation. Not that this list is the Holy Grail that I must follow by the letter, but maybe it will give this fickle head of mine a better idea of what I should be looking for-slash-not settling for.

Ooh, this is going to be fun! I'll consider it my next experiment! We'll call it the 80/20 Experiment.

Stay tuned...

Let's Talk About Sex

I try to avoid writing about sex on this blog because it's such a complicated and personal subject. But there are some things that just need to be said, and this is one of them...

Today a friend of mine linked to this article on Twitter, about how young people are dating less and just hooking up more. In fact, it says that hooking up is the new dating.

"Hooking up" basically means having a one-night stand. But, the article emphasizes, the upside is that these one-night stands are most likely happening with people they already know, instead of some random drunk at the bar. (Although I hear that the random drunks are still in the running too.)

The article talks about the pros and cons of this issue.

The pros?

Hooking up emphasizes group friendships over the one-pair model of dating, and, therefore, removes the negative stigma from those who can’t get a date. As [professor and author Kathleen Bogle] put it, “It used to be that if you couldn’t get a date, you were a loser.” Now, she said, you just hang out with your friends and hope that something happens.

Oookaaay...? So people who normally can't get a date might have a better chance of hooking up in a group setting? Umm... I'll take the optimistic route and hope this means that you're developing friendships with people first, and through that, someone might be more interested in you than if they barely knew you. Because by hanging out with you they learned how great you really are. So, instead of asking you on a date, they ask you to go into the back room to hook up. Because they like you for who you really are.

Sorry, I just can't do the optimism thing in this case.

Then it goes on to give the cons...

The cons center on the issues of gender inequity. Girls get tired of hooking up because they want it to lead to a relationship (the guys don’t), and, as they get older, they start to realize that it’s not a good way to find a spouse. Also, there’s an increased likelihood of sexual assaults because hooking up is often fueled by alcohol.

I was surprised when I read the first sentence. I understand what it means by gender inequity because it's true, girls make hooking up emotional and guys typically do not. But I thought the first con would be that people are giving themselves away too quickly! They are taking things out of order, risking not only confusion and heartache, but also sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy!

And speaking of pregnancy... I am obviously not one to judge. In fact, I admit (begrudgingly, because my pastor is reading this) that I've done exactly what this article is talking about. And that's why I can say without a doubt that this whole hooking-up-instead-of-dating thing is dangerous. I have experienced the emptiness, the shame, the fear, the mixed messages, the whole roller coaster of emotions that can come from such an activity. I have been burned by men I truly cared about. I have burned men that truly cared about me. I have paid for those experiences in relationships that came after them. And I have lived through every unmarried woman's worst nightmare... seeing that little blue line on the pregnancy test.

So to know that this is becoming a regular occurrence in our culture? Breaks my heart. Because I don't want another woman to go through the crap that I went through. I want women to never have to wonder if the guy likes her for her awesomeness, or because she is awesome in bed. I want both women and men to be able to wake up in the morning and not regret what happened the night before. I want men to man up, dangit, and ask women on real, legitimate dates again. I want the blurry lines between lust and respect to be sharpened again.

I could go on all night but I won't.

To be continued...

The Holiday Breakup

Aah, the holidays...

I'm already starting to feel the warm fuzzies I always feel at this time of year. There's just something about the sparkling Christmas lights, the feel-good music, and the many gatherings with family and friends, that makes this time of year so outstanding.

Unless you're in a relationship that you need/want to get out of. Then the holidays can be one big sappy nuisance.

I've actually been through three holiday breakups. I've been both the dumper and the dumpee, and neither one is pleasant. (Although the dumpee role is especially biting.) But I survived them. And I had considered postponing one of those breakups for after the holidays, because I didn't want to make the dude sad at Christmastime. But I decided to bite the bullet and end it right away (which was two weeks before Christmas), and I'm glad I did.

Happenmag.com has a great article on how to tactfully and peacefully break up with someone during the holidays. The article contains this great quote about why it's such a difficult thing to do at this time of year...

“Everything about the holidays reminds us of family, love and ritual,” explains Kathleen Hall, CEO of Atlanta’s Stress Institute. “We see emotional movies. We go to the mall and see lovers holding hands. We go to restaurants and see couples kissing and eating together. Holidays are a sensual time of smells, food, music, lights and decorations. It is a time that we naturally want to share with another person.”

And despite that very sensory experience, the article also recommends dumping the person right away instead of prolonging it—agonizing as it may be.

You can read the rest of the article here.

The Age Difference Factor Part 3 (And then I'm done, I swear!)

Well, I am certainly going to think twice before I give you folks permission to psychoanalyze me again. Holy moly, was that a humbling experience!

But in many ways, I deserved it. After re-reading yesterday's post, I admit that I was stereotyping, and I also sounded a bit elitist. I was just channeling years' worth of frustration, and remembering all of the things I didn't like about the many younger guys I've dated. Unfortunately, I lumped those things together, alluding to the fact that all young guys act that way all the time and therefore they're, like, sooo beneath me. It was wrong of me to make such generalizations, and I apologize if I offended anyone.

However, I still firmly believe it's neither foolish nor close-minded to think twice about dating someone who is either much younger or much older than you. After all, you are supposed to relate to your partner to some extent. And I don't know if it's an American culture thing or a human nature thing, but in general, we simply relate better to the people in our same age group. Dating someone outside of your age group could naturally cause some discrepancies in lifestyle, and also potential problems with that all-too-important component called communication.

I'm not saying it WILL cause problems but that it COULD.

I'm also not saying that EVERY relationship that has an age discrepancy is a failure. In fact, I know some of you reading this are in a relationship with someone much older or younger than you and it works for you. But it doesn't necessarily work for EVERYONE.

In closing, I absolutely agree with the commenter who said it should be taken on a case-by-case basis. But I also believe that age differences (particularly in an older woman/younger man combo) could potentially cause more problems than you may realize, so you should investigate that case a little more closely.

Okay, I'm done. Onto lighter, happier things tomorrow...

The Age Difference Factor Part 2

So yesterday my friend Seth wrote a great post about why it's not a good idea for a guy to date an older woman.

Now I'm going to write about my struggles being... ahem... the older woman.

I'm 28 years old, and the last time I dated someone older than me was three years ago. I honestly DON'T EVEN REMEMBER the last time I dated someone my own age. When I was in college, I think? Other than that, it's all been younger guys—and primarily guys who are at least two years younger, sometimes more. (Paris was four years younger than me, which I now know played a huge part in why we are no longer together.)

This past Thanksgiving, while visiting my family, my sister and my aunt rather boldly declared/demanded, "Juliet, from now on you can only date men who are AT LEAST five years older than you. Five to ten years older. No more young guys!" Their body language and tone of voice were scary enough for me to comply on the spot. "O-o-o-o-kaaaay!" I stuttered, in fear of a beating if I had replied otherwise.

They were only looking out for my best interests. I have had a pretty long string of bad luck, after all, and the one thing most of my past boyfriends have in common is that they've all been younger than me. There must be a pattern here.

But. Guys my age or older—who are not already married, in a serious relationship, or total weirdos—are IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND. The only reason I keep going out with the young guys is because they're the only ones left! Seriously.

To mimic Seth's list, here are the problems with dating a younger guy (and by younger I mean early to mid twenties). (Disclaimer: I say these things not to make fun, but because they are true. And I know that not all younger guys are like this, but the majority are. I should know.)

1. Priorities.
My priorities: My daughter, my job, and my health.
Young guy's priorities: Himself, getting a job, and his social life.

2. Preferences.
My idea of a good Friday night: Hangin' with a small group of friends at someone's house.
Young guy's idea of a good Friday night: Hangin' with his buddies while attempting to pick up chicks at a noisy bar.

3. Romance.
My idea of a good date: Talking about politics over sushi, followed by a movie in the comfort of one or the other's home.
Young guy's idea of a good date: Dinner at Applebee's, followed by barely audible conversation over seven beers at a noisy bar.

4. And speaking of conversation...
My favorite things to talk about: My family, faith, culture, politics, films, books.
Young guy's favorite things to talk about: Himself, his accomplishments, himself, his friends... and did I mention himself?


Okay, maybe I'm being a little harsh on the young guys, but I'm not too far off-base. However, until I meet someone my age or—to obey the command of my sister and aunt—someone at least five years older than me, this is what I'm left with.

Or am I just being too picky? You have my permission to psychoanalyze me.

The Age Difference Factor

Our guest blogger Seth is back with yet another great entry! It's funny how it happened this time. He emailed me the other day asking if he can write a post about age differences in relationships. It just so happens that I was planning on writing a post about that very subject this week!

As you will see below, Seth has a cool perspective on the whole thing, so he wrote about it for today, and I will be writing the girl's perspective tomorrow.

Just to give some background... Seth is 26 years old and often dates girls older than him. I am 28 and often date guys younger than me. This is what makes the guy-girl perspective on the same problem so cool. Read on...
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A year ago, I was engaged to a woman who was four years older than me. We didn’t break up over the age difference, but the age gap would have caused some SIGNIFICANT things to work through in marriage. My current policy is that I don’t date anyone older than me. Period. (My friend Steph always says “but what if you meet someone who JUST turned 27 two weeks before you met,” so I suppose there are exceptions).

The younger guy/older woman combo is a hot thing in our culture right now, due to the Ashton/Demi thing, the divorce rate, and umm… Sarah Palin, who’s proof that women are staying active, beautiful (some women actually look better in their 30’s and 40’s than they did in their 20’s), energetic, and fun right through their 40’s.

Here are five problems I see arising in the majority of younger guy/older woman relationships.

1. Parenting. I don’t know many guys who are looking forward to this role in life more than me. I recently started collecting vinyl records, in part because I want my kids to know the feeling of dropping the needle on classic albums like Bruce Springsteen’s Born to Run. I think about that stuff. A lot. But right now, I’m not at the point where I can dedicate as much energy and focus to parenting as a kid deserves. I will love any child that comes into my life (the only thing that makes me sad about the thought of step-kids is missing a part of their lives), but now is just not the time. If I was dating a woman older than me (let’s say, 30), now would DEFINITELY be the time for her. Either way, one party is giving up their dreams. Compromising is one thing, but letting go of your deepest desires in life—that only leads to resentment, and eventually hatred, in a relationship.

2. Financial. I would actually consider myself a “mild feminist,” but I still believe that a guy needs to be getting out there and providing the financial means for a good life for his spouse, and eventually, children. (Fortunately, women make closer to what they’re worth now, and I just may wind up with someone who makes more than me. In that case, great. I’ll buy myself those $3,000 racing bike wheels I want.) I just finished up grad school a year ago, and I have not secured myself financially enough to be able to provide for a woman older than me (again, let’s say 30), who has been on her own and deserves a husband who can improve her financial security in life.

3. Nesting. I have yet to pay more than $50 for a piece of furniture. I will soon own two bicycles that cost $x,xxx (it’s probably better that I don’t fill in the x’s). Women tend to develop a strong “nesting instinct,” meaning that they think it’s quite important to live in a way that’s less thrift-store and less nomadic than my current existence. This is a very good thing, as I would eventually like to sleep on a bed and put my clothes in a dresser that didn’t come from a dead relative. But again, I’m not ready for this, nor can I provide it financially. (Give me another two years, and I’ll probably be ready for something different.)

4. Danger. People die doing my hobbies. Not many, but each year we lose a few ironman competitors and mountain bikers to broken necks, broken backs, collisions with cars, and dehydration. I don’t know what the “adventure phase” of life looks like in women (it’s obviously there, because there are women who kick my butt in races), but most guys need a time to “sow their wild oats.” (Sadly, many guys think that this means getting really drunk and sleeping with girls they don’t care about, when what would really quench their desires is a good old-fashioned adventure). My friend John used to race snowmobiles. After he got married, he wrecked, punctured a lung, and almost died. His wife asked him to stop. He did (which was the right decision). I won’t always be a daredevil. But a woman older than me will probably want a guy who’s home more than I want to be right now, and for sure deserves a guy who has a better chance of not leaving her a widow than I can currently offer.

5. Maturity. By almost all accounts, I'm a pretty mature 26. But even I see that women tend to develop emotionally and psychologically at a different rate than men. (I'm not sure if this is cultural or programmed into our DNA.) At this stage in my life, this is the one area where it would actually be fine for me to date a woman older than me. However, from personal observation and experience, I've seen that the "maturity issues" don't usually pop up in an older woman/younger guy relationship until a few months in (keep in mind that new daters tend to be "on their game" and give the other person what they want to see) so my advice is to be cautious even if the maturity levels seem to match up in the beginning.

Awesome input, Seth! I'd like to hear from the male readership on this one. Are you dating or married to an older woman right now? How's that workin' out for ya? Let us know!! -Juliet

First Date Don'ts

Okay, so I said that I might post some things while on vacation but I lied. Sorry. It turns out I didn't have as much access to the Internet as I had originally envisioned. So once again I made a promise (kinda) on this blog and didn't follow through. I think I'd better stop with the promises.

Anyway, I'm back from vacation now and I'm totally beat, so I just wanted to leave you with a quick little sumpin' sumpin'.

My friend sent me a link to an article about what NOT to do on a first date. While the article is written for women, I think men can learn from it as well. The advice is a little obvious, in my opinion, as if the writer is assuming that the woman reading it has not been on a date in ten years. But it's fun to read nonetheless.

Here are the six things the article says not to do. For further explanation, read the article in full here.

Don't...

1. Introduce unfamiliar grooming regimens into your routine.

2. Wear those six-inch heels you bought on eBay, thinking they were Louboutins, but actually turned out to be regulation stripper footwear.

3. Get liquored up first.

4. Not eat if you're on a dinner date.

5. Talk too much/clam up completely.

6. Play make-believe. [In other words, don't lie.]

Also, I have a number 7, for guys only: Don't quote lines from The Cosby Show on a first date. It will likely end unfavorably, as was the case here.