The 80/20 Experiment

Well, I finally finished my 80/20 Experiment list. I suppose it wasn't very surprising. After all, I've been dating for about 15 years now; I do know what I'm looking for in a man!

But what was surprising was determining which are the non-negotiables and which can be thrown out the window.

In making the list, I separated it into five categories:
1. Looks
2. Personality
3. Values
4. Things He Likes
5. How He Treats Me

I'm not going to share all of the specific line items, as I feel it's personal. (Plus, I don't think it's wise to publish my recipe for a perfect man on the World Wide Web. Any wackadoo could approach me claiming to posess all that falls into the 80-percent category. No thanks!) However, I will say that every item in the "Values" category (i.e. religion, family) fell in the 80th percentile, while most of the items in the "Things He Likes" category (food, music) were labeled as 20-percenters.

I listed 38 things total. Eighty percent of that is roughly 30, and 20 percent is 8. So there were 8 things that I could take or leave. The rest were the non-negotiables. Which is kind of scary. Because 30 is a much higher number than 8. I fear that my 80-percent Man might not actually exist. But it is that belief that causes me to settle, so I need to change that mindset! That is the whole purpose of this exercise!

It feels weird talking about this kind of thing in such mathematical terms. After all, we are talking about human beings here. And I don't plan on consulting this list every time I meet someone new. It's just a good way of identifying what matters and what doesn't. And I'm sure it will at least serve as a reminder from time to time of those traits that I cannot and should not settle for.

Did anyone else make a list? Or have you in the past? How has it worked for you?

Settling? Or Just Plain Picky?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of "settling." It's such an unsettling word, isn't it? In relationships, this word denotes the act of staying with someone who you know is wrong for you, rather than holding out for someone better.

I've done quite a bit of settling in my life, but luckily I've managed to get out of those relationships at some point. And I'm always relieved when I do.

But here is the question... When is it settling, and when is it just being too picky? After all, no one is perfect. You can't have everything, right? But at the same time, you deserve nothing but the best, dangit. (Unless you're a jerk. Because then you deserve someone who is equally jerky. But I am confident that there are no jerks reading this blog.)

I heard the other day that you can be satisfied if you've found someone who fits 80% of what you're looking for in a romantic partner. HOWEVER, the additional 20% (the part that you're "settling for") should be menial stuff. ("We have different tastes in music," "He watches sports a little more than I'd like," etc.) The 20% should NOT consist of major character flaws (i.e. abusiveness) or differences in major life values (i.e. religion).

I think that rule of thumb is pretty right on. So I guess my work here is done.

Not quite. It sounds easy in theory, but when you're in the thick of a relationship—where there are feelings flying all over the place, for all kinds of reasons—the 80/20 ratio can get blurry. And before you know it, you're either settling for someone you shouldn't be, or you're ending a relationship for petty reasons.

So here's what I'm going to do. (And I challenge you single peeps to do this too!) I'm going to make a list of all of the things I wish for in a man. I'm essentially going to draft my perfect man on paper. (Even though I already know it's this guy.) Then I'm going to mark which of those traits should be in the 80th percentile and which should go in the 20th percentile.

I'm doing this because I think sometimes writing things down makes them more concrete when you're in a difficult situation. Not that this list is the Holy Grail that I must follow by the letter, but maybe it will give this fickle head of mine a better idea of what I should be looking for-slash-not settling for.

Ooh, this is going to be fun! I'll consider it my next experiment! We'll call it the 80/20 Experiment.

Stay tuned...

This online dating stuff is weird

So I was feeling all good about myself today because I received six emails and six "winks" from guys on Match.com. Almost every time I checked my email, I was getting a message from Match saying that someone was interested in me! 

I was starting to strut my stuff, until I went to my profile and saw how many people had actually looked at my profile today... 76. Seventy-six men looked at my profile, and 64 of them decided they weren't interested enough to even click on the little Wink icon! My big head was deflated in a nanosecond. It deserved that, I suppose. But it liked feeling desired, dangit.

Of course, I couldn't READ the emails until I subscribed to the devil that is Match.com. They let you do your profile and see other people's profiles for free, but in order to read the 6 messages in your inbox, you have to pay a monthly fee. And because I am a product of our instant gratification culture, I just had to read what those messages said. So I forked over the cash for a one-month subscription. 

I feel like I've sold out.

But it was fun to read what the whopping six people had to say about me. My head was filling up a little again, after reading their flattering messages. I think the trick is to write a witty "Profile Headline." Here's mine: "I'm a good girl, love my mama. Love Jesus and America too... I also happen to be crazy 'bout Elvis." 

So most of the emails I received had something to do with Tom Petty. They all thought I was a huge Petty fan, but actually I'm not. I just have always related to those lyrics in his song "Free Fallin'" and thought it made sense for a dating website. Apparently it was a big hit. Except to the 64 people who didn't like me.

While I was checking my emails, some of the guys started to IM me. Anyone who knows me well knows I can't stand instant messaging. I'm a writer, an editor. I like to take my time with words. And I like spontaneous conversation when it's face-to-face, not through a little box on my computer screen. It's so much pressure, IM-ing!! So whenever someone started to chat with me, I pretended I didn't see it. But I felt bad after awhile and so I chatted briefly with a "Mr. Pringle." He was pretty cool. He asked me what my job is and I told him, and he said, "You're a rarity on here. Most girls have bad jobs or are uneducated." And that actually made me feel like MORE of a loser, because despite my intelligence, I'm still trying to find love on a friggin' website.

I'm trying to warm up to this, really. I do see how love connections can be made, and it is a nice service for those who don't have many outlets for meeting people. It's just so awkward in the beginning. I'm not accustomed to getting emails from strangers telling me they think I'm beautiful. When I read their flattery and, mostly, when I respond to it, I feel like I need to take a shower afterward.

But I'm only doing this for one month (because there's no way I'm paying that subscription fee again!) and I'm doing it for "research." So I guess I'll stick it out and see what happens.

'Cause I'm free, baby. Free fallin'.

The Online Dating Experiment Begins

Day One of my new Online Dating Experiment (ODE)...

Oh my goodness. I thought it would take maybe a half hour to do an online dating profile. It took two hours. Of course, I had to be all clever and stuff. I didn't want lame responses like "I like long walks on the beach..." So instead I opted for the more thought-provoking (read: trying too hard) statements like "I'm looking for someone who shares my passion for the intricate details of life. Someone who is confident in his own skin, but not cocky. (There is a big difference.) Someone who will make me and others laugh. Someone who brings energy to a room when he walks into it." Every man is going to want me because I am SO UNIQUE.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Before creating a profile, I had to decide which online dating site I was going to go with. I'd like to thank all of the readers who gave me suggestions. I garnered from those suggestions that eHarmony was a big fat no. So I narrowed my choices to Match.com and Plentyoffish.com. The Plentyoffish one kind of bothered me. It is free, which is nice, but it's a little too much like the personal ads in the paper. Plus, I don't like how the name looks in the URL. Every time I read it, my instincts tell me that the name is Plenty Offish. Which doesn't make sense, and also brings to mind the word "standoffish." Which is not a word I'd like to associate with a dating website.

Yes, I'm picky. And yes, that is why I'm still single.

I thought that Match.com's home page was rather amusing. Below are a few quotes from that page, describing certain aspects of the website.

1) "With over 15 million singles online, Match.com is so sure you'll find someone special within six months, we're willing to guarantee it with our Make Love Happen guarantee." Is this like when those informercials promise you'll get your money back if The Ab Monster XL doesn't, in fact, give you rock-hard abs? So they're comparing my very own well-being to a piece of equipment? I'm glad to know that I matter to Match.com.

2) "Okay, so you've searched through available singles and you've seen someone you think you may connect with... Now, it's time to subscribe, because flirting is fun, but email is where the real love connections are made." Excuse me? Email is where love connections are made? EMAIL?? Whatever happened to having an actual date? Looking into someone's eyes? I know that they're speaking in context with how the site works, but when taken on its own, this sentence is sadly disturbing.

3) "Think about how much you spend on a night out at a bar. Or how much you spend on a movie and a bag of popcorn. How quickly would you give up one of these for a lifetime of love with someone special? Is it worth it? Get started now and find out for yourself!" Ah, here's where they get ya. You would spend money on a date anyway, so skip the date, stay at home, sit in front of your computer for hours, and spend that money instead on an automated service that will connect you with hundreds of other potential dates. It's an investment, you see. 

4) The conclusive sentence was the best one by far: "So what have you got to lose, besides more nights cuddling with your pillow?" They just had to get that one last jab in there, didn't they? I happen to like my pillow, thank you very much. It's soft and it doesn't snore.

Despite my beef with these things, I decided to go with Match.com after all. Mainly because I was tired of searching around for other sites. And it's a good thing I didn't take any more time searching because it took so long to fill out my clever and creative profile. More on that experience tomorrow.

Because I just LOVE experiments

Well, the online dating poll was a tight race all day, until the final comment took the lead for the "yay" team. 

Interesting responses. The people who explained the reason behind their votes (and some did so offline) were each quite convincing. The nay-sayers were especially passionate, which makes sense if you think about it. They prefer passion, chance, kismet over formulas and automated searches. I prefer the former as well, but look where that's gotten me so far. 

So here's what I'm thinking. I'd say it's time for another experiment, wouldn't you? So I'm going to start an online dating profile on Match.com or eHarmony.com or I'mDesperate.com or whatever, and I'll periodically document my experiences and evaluations here. 

(What am I getting myself into? Don't ever say I'm not dedicated to the purposes of this blog. Oh my.)

Stay tuned...