The Bachelor, Week 3

I missed the first half hour of this week's episode, but the remaining hour and a half provided enough drama to get me through the week.

Jason decided to go on a private date with a very tan blonde girl named Natalie. He said he wanted to go out with her because she's "really hot" but he wasn't sure if she was marriage material. It turns out she's not. Or at least Jason didn't think so. 'Cause he sent her home at the end of the date. Ouch. Maybe it's because the only three-syllable word she uttered on the whole date (over and over again) was "amazing."

I—along with most of the other bachelorettes—was relieved that Jason was looking for more in a woman than a good bod and long blonde hair. Not that either of those things are bad. But he was making a statement that it's not all about looks; that authenticity and genuine goodness are more important. Hooray for authenticity and genuine goodness!

But there are still some girls in the running who are not very good people, as Natalie pointed out to Jason when she got the boot. So Jason spent the rest of the episode trying to figure out which girls are mean to the others. And by "figure out," I mean he "pried some of the girls for info." Not cool, in my opinion. He was asking them to talk badly about the other girls, which is exactly what the mean girls were doing to them, and... it was just a big vicious cycle that involved lots of backstabbing and moving of the head and talking to the hand.

The cat fights that happen on this show make me embarrassed to be a woman. They don't realize that they look so... ahem, unclassy... when they're all up in someone's bizness. But, hey! Suckers like me love watching it.

The previews for next week involve lots of tears. I'm sure that's such a turn-on to Jason. We shall see!

Just Say It

Today I heard Alicia Keys' Tell You Something, which is a beautiful song about her desire to express how she feels about a loved one before they're gone. I think she wrote it for her grandmother, but obviously it can apply to anyone. The main message is that you shouldn't sit around waiting for the right moment to tell someone you love them, because the right moment might never come. But Alicia tells it better than I do, so see her lyrics here and listen to the song here.

The song reminded me of one of my favorite movie scenes of all time, which is in My Best Friend's Wedding. If you haven't seen that flick... um, where've ya been? Just kidding. In the film, Julia Roberts' character Julianne is best friends with Michael, who's played by Dermot Mulroney. And he announces that he's getting married to a gorgeous blonde named Kimmy (Cameron Diaz). At this news, Julianne suddenly realizes that she's in love with Michael. So she spends the rest of the film awkwardly trying to get him to call off the wedding.

There's one scene where Julianne finally gets to spend some time alone with Michael, and she has a chance to tell him how she feels, but doesn't. Check it out...



Just a couple of reminders that life is too short to hold back on how you really feel. If you love someone, you say it, before the moment passes you by.

The Bachelor, Week 2

Tonight I had the pleasure of watching The Bachelor with some new friends, after I ate two helpings of lasagna and garlic bread. And a cupcake. Good food, good friends, and a trashy TV show... all on a Monday night. Does it get any better than that?

Tonight's episode was juicy as ever, and it was SO AWESOME watching it with other fellow female cynics. All throughout the episode we'd shout out exclamations like, "Yeah, right!" or "He's soooo not into you," or "You're goin' home, girl!" It was trash-talking at its best. We sounded just like the very catty contestants we were making fun of—only we were wearing jeans and sweatshirts instead of bikinis and evening gowns.

The super-duper clean-cut bachelor Jason had to juggle his time between 15 bachelorettes tonight, and he made out with about 13 of them. He went on two one-on-one dates, and a big group date with about six or seven others. I honestly felt bad for the bachelorettes who didn't get selected for either of those scenarios. You could see the dejection on their faces, and throughout the rest of the episode they desperately clamored to win Jason's affection. One woman ("The Brazilian," we call her) even snuck into his limo as he was leaving, and I think she scared the crap out of him because he sent her home at the end of the episode. He also sent home a very quiet girl who is cute but not nearly as glamorous as the others, and that made me sad. You know she was going home because she wasn't pretty enough.

Ugh, can you imagine the scrutiny?

Moving on...

I want to talk a bit about how the women are handling the fact that Jason is a single dad. There are a couple of single moms on the show, and even though it's obvious they're not quite right for Jason, you can tell his heart goes out to them a little, because they have this huge thing in common. I'm curious to see how long he leads them on—er, I mean continues to get to know them better.

Most of the girls, however, seem to think that what Jason wants to hear (awkwardly placed in the middle of a random convo about shoes or something) is this: "I LOVE kids. I want to be a teacher. And during my summers off, I want to play with the kids that I teach during the school year! I have a niece and a nephew, and they think that I'm the greatest aunt EVER. Blah blah blah. Blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah."

I don't know about Jason, but I can speak from my single-parenthood experience that this kind of talk—thought it may seem like an obvious way to win points—is in fact a huge turn-off. When a guy says these kinds of things to me, here's what I'm shouting in my head: "I don't want to hear about YOU. If you're trying to prove that you're ready to be in a relationship with a single mom, then the best thing you can do is ask me questions about my daughter. Ask me every question you can think of. Show interest in HER, don't brag about YOU. If you're so good with kids, I'll know it when you meet my child. You aren't going to prove it to me by telling me you take your nephew to the zoo once a month. Parenting is pretty much the most unselfish thing you're going to do. So if you're trying to tell me that you would make a good parent, don't be selfish by making it about you!"

I don't mean to come across so cynical, but this truly has been an honest indicator of which guys have been worth my time and which haven't. It makes sense, does it not?

Okay, I'm off my soapbox now.

It's still too early to tell what will happen on this goofy show, but I'm already hooked (these shows are like drugs), so I'll keep watching. Send me your thoughts if you saw tonight's episode!

The Bachelor, Week 1

I have a confession to make.

Tonight, I watched the season premiere of... ahem... The Bachelor.

I've always disliked that show, which I've written about before, but this time around I think I'm going to watch it. After all, I have something in common with this season's bachelor... we're both single parents.

A few years ago, my brother told me he thought I should go on The Bachelor, that I would be a perfect candidate. I didn't know if I should be flattered or insulted, based on the kind of women I've seen on that show! But my bro is a good guy, so I'm guessing he was being nice. I told him there are a number of reasons why I couldn't ever do it:

1. I hate the cattiness among women on that show, but I also know full well that I would probably get caught up in that, were I one of them. Ugh.
2. I like my men exclusive, thank you very much.
3. I know they'd make a big deal out of me being a single mom, and I wouldn't want to put Julietta in the spotlight like that.

So now, to see a single dad (a seemingly well-balanced single dad) on the show—first as a Bachelorette contestant and now as the lucky guy who gets to choose his lady—is admirable. And it also makes me curious as to how he's going to play that out.

The recap of tonight's episode is not all that interesting. Nearly every minute of it was embarrassing, mainly because of the way the women were drooling all over the guy. And there was a lot of eye makeup, hair flips, and the use of the word "like." And of course the cat fighting has already begun. I didn't even know it was possible for so many women to hate each other so much, in such a small amount of time.

Based on the irresistible preview of the coming weeks (this show is the MASTER of that, by the way), it looks like there will be all kinds of delicious twists and turns. So I look forward to seeing that unfold in its probably uninteresting truth, and writing about it. If you're going to be watching it too, feel free to share your thoughts!

Fascinating Advice from a Fascinating Person

Last night I watched Barbara Walters' 10 Most Fascinating People of 2008. One of those people was actor Will Smith.

As we all know, Smith has been married to Jada Pinkett Smith for the past 11 years. You always hear that these two have a great marriage, but you can never really trust if that's the truth. It is Hollywood, after all.

But Barbara addresses this in her interview with Smith, when she talks about the difference between his previous marriage with Sheree Zampino, which ended badly, and his current marriage with Jada...

Barbara: You've said now that divorce is not an option.

Will: Yeah. If divorce is not an option, we MIGHT wanna figure out how we could, like, have some fun together? Since we're gonna be here.

Barbara: Rather than, "Gee, if it doesn't work out, we'll get divorced."

Will: Yeah. Being married is the most difficult thing you're ever gonna do in your life, EVER! Anybody who's married, and divorce is an option? You're gettin' divorced.

Love it!

This kind of mimics the Kyra Sedgwick quote I wrote about a while back. It's the brilliant (yet basic) idea that you have to go into a marriage knowing that it's never, ever going to end. That's the only way it will work, or else you're... well... screwed.

The only problem is, how do you adopt the divorce-is-not-an-option mentality? And not only adopt it, but maintain it year after year after year?

If anyone has the secret, please lemme know before I get married. (Which, at this rate, won't be happening for a while, so take your time.)

Also, I have to say that I think parenting is "the most difficult thing you're ever gonna do in your life, EVER!" So either marriage is even more difficult (Lord, help me), or the fact that I've survived parenting (so far!) means that I'll be able to survive marriage? Perhaps?

Here's the full interview with Will Smith. Let me know what you think of it!

Gold-diggers are goin' down

Thanks to everyone who participated in yesterday's "Work-Out Partner" poll. Your responses were varied, and every one of them were valid! I guess the bottom line is, it's a matter of preference.

Incidentally, today while running on the treadmill I was reading an article about Kate Winslet in Vanity Fair. The writer asked Kate something about what happiness looks like for her, outside of work.

Her response...

"I need to be looked after. I'm not talking about diamond rings and nice restaurants and fancy stuff—in fact, that makes me uncomfortable. I didn't grow up with it and it's not me, you know. But I need someone to say to me, 'Shall I run you a bath?' or 'Let's go to the pub, just us.' I mean, the things that make me the happiest in the whole world are going on the occasional picnic, either with my children or with my partner. Big family gatherings, and being able to go to the grocery store—if I can get those things in, I'm doing good."

I think Kate was reading my mind when she said this, because I would have said pretty much every single word, verbatim. (Except for the grocery store part, because I detest that dreadful place. But I guess if you're a celebrity you never get to go to the grocery store, so in that case it's a rare pleasure for Kate.)

But the part about being looked after and taken care of? It's about so much more than the bling bling. It's about being pampered with affection and—more importantly—one's time. This is why I get angry with the money-hungry, gold-digging girls who are giving women a really, really bad name.

Guys, most of us women don't want your money. Most of us want what Kate Winslet wants... just someone who desires to go to the pub with no one else in the world but us.

(And in my case, someone who will go to the grocery store for me. Just sayin'.)

Dance Your Heart Out

One of my favorite shows is So You Think You Can Dance, and one of my favorite dances this past season was performed by Mark and Chelsie, to the song "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis.

This dance was choreographed to tell the story of a workaholic husband and his frustrated wife. You can definitely see that struggle in this creative and emotional routine.

Check it out...

Advice from Kyra

I went to the doctor's office today, and while sitting in the waiting room, I read the August issue of Redbook magazine. The cover story featured actress Kyra Sedgwick, who celebrated her 20th wedding anniversary with husband Kevin Bacon this year. In the question-and-answer interview (which closely resembles my Hero & Heroine interviews), Sedgwick offered some of the most refreshing views on marriage that I've heard in a long time.

Here is an excerpt from the interview. I marked in bold the points that really struck me.

What changes in a marriage over 20 years?
Both of our lives are an open book in a way, because we are so boring. We've been married for so long and there are no secrets. But I never in a million years thought there would be sides to Kevin that I'm still learning. [Our relationship] is like a treasure; there are layers and layers of it. I'm constantly amazed that we are still surprised and interested in each other. When I look back at our first four years... by that time we'd had our second kid, and I look back at those pictures and I think, Gosh, I didn't know him at all! I loved him, but I didn't know him, and he probably didn't know me. But you grow together and learn more about each other. I think the trust gets deeper and the dependency gets deeper, which is scary. I think, because my father and mother split up when I was very young, there was a part of me at the beginning of our marriage that thought, I'm cool alone. I love him, but I'm strong enough to handle life without him. But now he is the person I count on to live and walk through life with. It's a dependency that is there and large and real and profound.

How do you handle the conflicts?
We always knew that we were each other's "one." Both of us knew this was forever and we were going to work it out no matter what happens, so when we fight, it's not so scary. You can't be honest with someone if you think that they are going to leave. It doesn't mean that sometimes I don't have bad dreams — which are terrible — but it's just a dream.

As parents, how do you and Kevin make sure you also get what you want?
I feel the primary relationship has to be the mother and the father, and then it can be the kids. Of course the kids come first in planning your life, but it's incredibly important to keep your relationship as a couple strong and make time for it. It's the foundation on which everything is built. Kids should know that your needs are important, because if they think your happiness lies only in them, that's a lot of pressure on them. Plus, I think if you are pursuing your own goals, it makes your kids want to search for whatever their dreams and bliss are.

So, how do you keep your relationship strong?
We got help when we needed to be alone. We check in with each other all the time. I think that's ultimately the best for the kids, because they feel safe when they know Mum and Dad are good, enjoying each other's company and wanting to be alone together. I think that's important.


Not sure why she said "Mum" instead of "Mom," but regardless... That's some good stuff right there. And what makes it even more enlightening is to hear it from someone in Hollywood—where marriages last about as long as it takes me to stand in line at the DMV. If that.

The picture of marriage that Sedgwick paints is the picture I want for my own marriage, whenever that may occur. In my mind, marriage is difficult, labor-intensive. But she makes it actually sound enjoyable. What a concept!

Just Say No... to TV

I came across this article on MSN, about how a couple made a commitment to go without TV for their first year of marriage.

I'm not married but I totally think this is a great idea. Television can be an easy distraction when conversation is dull or unwanted. It fills the space where there might be a void... or it can create the void in the first place.

I know some of you reading this are bigtime TV aficionados. And I'm not judgin', I swear! But just imagine for a sec the many things you could do with your spouse (and/or your kids) if the TV wasn't there to lure you with its shiny pictures and addictive plots.

I think the concluding paragraph sums it up nicely:

And for now, as peculiar as it may seem, this TV-free experience is giving us a priceless gift: the ability to kick off our marriage with a solid foundation of communication. Having no TV has challenged us to stop watching other people live their lives and to start living our own. I recommend turning off the tube to all couples. I guarantee you: It's reality TV at its finest.

You can read the entire article here.

But first, have any of you tried going without TV for a period of time, for the sake of enriching your marriage? (Or for any other reason?) If so, how did it go?

Rules of Engagement

I wrote this post back in July, before this blog even existed. I had originally planned on starting the blog at that time but it didn't work out. So the timeliness of this post is a little off, what with its reference to a TV show, but its message is one that I still would like to put out there. So, digest... 

__________________________________________________

The other night I watched The Bachelorette season finale. I kinda can’t stand that show. (He’s the most amazing person you’ve ever met…in your whole entire life? Now that's serious. And eloquent.) But there was nothing better on and I was determined to veg on the couch for the first time this decade, so there it is.

In the (Most Dramatic Ever!) finale, the bachelorette chose this goofy, fun-loving guy who also proclaimed endless sappy superlatives about her. He got down on one knee, proposed, she said yes, and they lived happily ever after.

Following the finale came the hour-long “After the Rose” segment, so that viewers—still high from rose petals, icky real-people French kisses, and words like "soulmate"—could catch up to the couple in real time. Are they still together? Did she choose the wrong man? Find out, after these messages.

All throughout the “After the Rose” show, the commentator guy kept teasing the viewers further at commercial breaks: “Coming up, the happy couple makes a shocking announcement!” Which was perfect for me because I happen to love shocking announcements. I continued watching.

After 45 minutes of assurances that the couple is still together, they finally come to the shocking announcement, which is…. drum roll please… are you ready for this?…. The engaged couple SET A DATE for their wedding!!!

Woo. Hoo.

But get this... then the commentator turns to the couple’s families, who are sitting in the front row, and says, “So what do you guys think? Not only are they engaged but they’re getting married!”

Ummm... Am I missing something? Isn’t “being engaged” supposed to mean that you’re “getting married”? Isn’t the whole purpose behind a proposal to make a statement that you plan to marry someone?

This has been a gripe of mine for some time now. About two years ago, a coworker told me that his brother had just proposed to his girlfriend. A few months ago I realized there hadn’t yet been a wedding, so I asked my coworker if they’re still engaged. He said yes. "So when’s the wedding?" I asked. His reply was, and I quote, “Oh, they’re not getting married.” As if he were saying, “Oh, you don’t eat the crayons, silly.”

Somewhere along the line, the rules of commitment have changed. The engagement ring has become nothing more than a super-duper promise ring. I know that I broke off my engagement, but at least up until that point I had planned on actually marrying the guy. Why do some people even bother getting engaged if they have no intention of getting married? 

I just don't get it.

But don’t you worry about the Bachelorette and her most amazing man in the whole wide universe. They’re soulmates. We can make fun of them all we want, but at least they understand the action that is supposed to go with the commitment.

This month, anyway.

Because I just LOVE experiments

Well, the online dating poll was a tight race all day, until the final comment took the lead for the "yay" team. 

Interesting responses. The people who explained the reason behind their votes (and some did so offline) were each quite convincing. The nay-sayers were especially passionate, which makes sense if you think about it. They prefer passion, chance, kismet over formulas and automated searches. I prefer the former as well, but look where that's gotten me so far. 

So here's what I'm thinking. I'd say it's time for another experiment, wouldn't you? So I'm going to start an online dating profile on Match.com or eHarmony.com or I'mDesperate.com or whatever, and I'll periodically document my experiences and evaluations here. 

(What am I getting myself into? Don't ever say I'm not dedicated to the purposes of this blog. Oh my.)

Stay tuned...

Virtual Insanity

A few weeks ago, I met a friend of a friend. This girl was the kind that every woman wants to hate but just can't seem to muster up the jealousy because she's so darn nice. She's also cool, very intelligent and drop-dead gorgeous.

So when she told me that she had met her long-time boyfriend (who also sounds like quite a catch) on the Internet, I was floored. For some reason, I've always believed that online dating either a) doesn't work, or b) works only for weird people. So to hear that it worked for two seemingly not-weird people, and has resulted in a relationship that's lasted for several years? I'm beginning to feel my closed mind open up a bit. I hate when it does that.

I've never participated in online dating myself. A few of my friends have encouraged me to give it a shot, but to me that just means accepting total desperation. Hello, I'm a single white female who can't for the life of me find a guy in the real world, so I'm going to sit in front of a tiny screen and hope THAT does the trick.

I believe that when you find someone it should just happen; you shouldn't go looking for it in such an obvious way... nor fill out an application in order to do so. Plus, I've seen some of my friends go through some crazy online dating disasters. In fact, I might just dedicate one whole post to these disasters, because they're kinda funny. Ahem, I mean, tragic. Totally tragic.

But it did work for my new friend, who is clearly not the desperate type. Maybe I've been wrong about online dating after all. But instead of making up my own mind, I'm going to let you do it for me, in the form of another poll...  Online dating: yay or nay?

Kissing Frogs

Last night I went to a Carrie Underwood concert. I found that I can really relate to Carrie. Except for the whole hot-blonde-superstar thing. But she and I seem to have a similar track record regarding the kinds of men we date. Except for the whole hot-famous-athlete thing. (Speaking of... a very reliable source told me that Carrie is NOT dating Michael Phelps like everyone is saying. Rather she has been seeing some Travis guy from The Bachelor. Apparently he was at the concert last night but I didn't see him. I know you were all losing sleep at night, thinking about Carrie Underwood's love life. I'm happy to be of service.)

Carrie has a song that best explains this track record that she and I share. It's called "The More Boys I Meet" and it comically expresses the frustrations of dating one dud after another. 

Here are the lyrics:

This boy here wants to move too fast
He sees my future as having a past
Well, I don't think so
I don't think so

That guy there, well he's playing a fool
He thinks he's funny and he thinks he's cool
We'll I don't think so
I don't think so

Cheap date, bad taste, another night gone to waste
Talking about nothing in so many words
It's not like I'm not trying
'Cause I'll give anyone a shot once

And, I , I close my eyes
And, I kiss that frog
Each time finding
The more boys I meet the more I love my dog

Here's this guy, thinks he's bad to the bone
He wants to pick me up and take me home
Well, I don't think so
I don't think so

Cage fights, PlayStation, X-Games, Raider Nation
Oversize pants with an ego to match
It's not like I'm not trying
'Cause I'll give anyone a shot once

And, I , I close my eyes
And, I kiss that frog
Each time finding
The more boys I meet the more I love my dog

Why can't they be like the ones that mean everything to me
The warm and loyal, open and friendly
It's not like I'm not trying
'Cause I'll give anyone a shot once

I close my eyes
And, I kiss that frog
Each time finding
The more boys I meet the more I love my

I close my eyes
And, I kiss that frog
Each time finding
The more boys I meet the more I love my dog

The more I love my dog

I hear ya, Carrie. You and I are on the same page. Except for the whole I-love-my-dog thing. Don't even have a dog. But I'm working on that. Right after I get a multimillion-dollar record deal and an Olympiad boyfriend.

My Latest Obsession(s)

Today begins the third and final week of the Scarcity Myth Experiment, which means I now have to look at, smile and say hello (or "hey!" or "what up?" or "which way to the weight room?", etc.) to someone I find attractive. I must say, now that I'm at this point, I'm a little nervous! It does take a lot of guts to talk to someone you don't know—and whose wife or girlfriend could potentially be lingering around the corner. But I'm determined to try it, merely for curiosity's sake. But not for anything else's sake. I wouldn't go behind curiosity's back like that—it's been good to me.

Also, I saw another movie tonight that I have to recommend to anyone who has a pulse. It's an independent film called Bella. I chose to rent this film because: 

a) Several people told me I should;

b) I kinda have a thing for the name Bella; and

c) This is the lead actor...

Need I say more?

I needn't, but I will.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that the film is even more beautiful than Eduardo Verástegui is. It's not really a story of romantic love, although there are glimpses of that. It's more a story of how a broken soul finds healing, and how even the most unlikely people in your life can provide just the support you need to find said healing. And the best thing about it? Every single second of this film could have been real life. I'm amazed at how the writers, director and cast were able to give the viewer such an honest, vulnerable and beautiful glimpse of reality as we know it. 

Just a warning: You're probably going to cry at some point while watching this film. (Even you macho men out there may shed a tear). And if you're a parent? Just grab tissues now. That's all I'm sayin'. 

If any of you have seen Bella, I'd love to hear your thoughts about it. In the meantime, I will be dreaming of Eduardo...

Words of Wisdom from a Wise and Wordy Waitress

Check this out. 

In yesterday's post? When I doubted that there might be a hot man walking down my street? Well, today I went for a walk around the block (for no other reason than to take a walk, I swear). And wouldn't ya know it? Here comes a guy, all tall and well-dressed and with dimples, strolling toward me. I started to laugh out loud, thinking about how I basically fulfilled my own sarcastic prophecy from yesterday. I think the lady who wrote that Scarcity Myth article paid the guy to walk down the street, just to prove to me that it can happen. Whatever. I looked him in the eye and that was that. 

Just thought I'd share.

I also want to share my adoration for a great movie that I watched last night. It's called Waitress, and was suggested to me by a friend. (Thanks, nodrama!) It is a beautiful story about love, life, integrity and friendship. I don't agree with some of the things that go on in the relationships depicted in the film (i.e. cheating), but that also adds to its complexity.

There's one line in particular that is so pure and so true that I just had to share it with you. First, the premise: Throughout the film the main character Jenna is writing a letter to her unborn baby, giving life lessons as things happen to her. For years, this woman has suffered abuse of some sort by pretty much every influential man in her life, and finally she meets someone who sees nothing but the good in her and who never fails to express it. At one point he expresses it simply by hugging her. To which Jenna's voiceover says,

"Dear Baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it."

Such simple words for such powerful sentiment. And when you hear the words and watch the scene at the same time, in the compelling context that surrounds it... ohmagoodness. Your heart will melt into a puddle of warm, gooey goodness, all the way down to your toes. So make sure you wear socks.