Fascinating Advice from a Fascinating Person

Last night I watched Barbara Walters' 10 Most Fascinating People of 2008. One of those people was actor Will Smith.

As we all know, Smith has been married to Jada Pinkett Smith for the past 11 years. You always hear that these two have a great marriage, but you can never really trust if that's the truth. It is Hollywood, after all.

But Barbara addresses this in her interview with Smith, when she talks about the difference between his previous marriage with Sheree Zampino, which ended badly, and his current marriage with Jada...

Barbara: You've said now that divorce is not an option.

Will: Yeah. If divorce is not an option, we MIGHT wanna figure out how we could, like, have some fun together? Since we're gonna be here.

Barbara: Rather than, "Gee, if it doesn't work out, we'll get divorced."

Will: Yeah. Being married is the most difficult thing you're ever gonna do in your life, EVER! Anybody who's married, and divorce is an option? You're gettin' divorced.

Love it!

This kind of mimics the Kyra Sedgwick quote I wrote about a while back. It's the brilliant (yet basic) idea that you have to go into a marriage knowing that it's never, ever going to end. That's the only way it will work, or else you're... well... screwed.

The only problem is, how do you adopt the divorce-is-not-an-option mentality? And not only adopt it, but maintain it year after year after year?

If anyone has the secret, please lemme know before I get married. (Which, at this rate, won't be happening for a while, so take your time.)

Also, I have to say that I think parenting is "the most difficult thing you're ever gonna do in your life, EVER!" So either marriage is even more difficult (Lord, help me), or the fact that I've survived parenting (so far!) means that I'll be able to survive marriage? Perhaps?

Here's the full interview with Will Smith. Let me know what you think of it!

A Day with the 'Rents

This weekend, my mom and dad came over to my house. The cool thing about my parents is, even though they're divorced, they're still friends with each other. The whole family still gets together often, and every time, Mom and Dad are perfectly respectful of each other and act as if they might even enjoy each other's company. While I'm sad that they are no longer married, I am so grateful that they have made the best of the situation. It would be easy for them to hold grudges, but instead they have practiced maturity and forgiveness. I really admire both of them for that.

On Saturday, Mom and Dad helped me put up all of my wall hangings. I recently moved to a new place and I hadn't yet decorated it, so on this day we practiced teamwork to get the place looking nice and cozy.

And the whole time, I felt guilty. I figured this activity could not possibly be enjoyable for them and surely they had better things to do. But here they were, helping me for the millionth time in my life. Why couldn't I just hang the stupid things myself? Why am I, in my late twenties, still eagerly accepting my parents' help?

But when it appeared our job was finished, and I told Mom that there was nothing else to hang, she said, "Darn! This is fun!" I laughed, first of all because my mother said the word "darn," and also because all that time I was feeling guilty, and they were actually having fun!

Later I was in my room and I heard my parents fussing with one of my windows, which was having difficulty closing. They were intent on fixing it, and they worked together—pushing and pulling on the window—to make it happen. 

And I started to cry.

Here were my divorced parents, putting aside their differences to help make my home as livable as it could be. They were doing physical labor, essentially, even after their original task was done, all to ensure that their little girl was safe and warm and happy. In my mind, they would be much better off doing anything else, but in their minds, hanging my pictures and fixing my windows was exactly what they wanted to do.

I couldn't imagine loving someone so much. It may sound like no big deal but in that moment it meant everything to me. On that day, like so many other days, my parents gave me a glimpse of what sacrificial love is supposed to look like. They put aside their own interests and time schedules, because to them, helping me was far more important than their own interests and time schedules. 

I don't think I've ever been that selfless. 

And it was then that I realized that this is love in its purest form... complete and utter selflessness. I also realized that this is what has been missing from almost every relationship I've ever been in. I've always been a receiver, and not enough of a giver. So that day, standing in my room, I made a silent promise to myself that I would strive to express sacrificial love, not only in my next romantic relationship, but also with my family and my friends and of course my darling little Julietta. And it is my hope that, like my parents, I will enjoy every minute of it.

My Hero & Heroine: Jamie and Kathy

Ever since my parents threw me for a loop with their divorce, I long to talk to couples who seem to have a strong, happy marriage. And when I get this opportunity, I ask a lot of questions—every time holding my breath in hopes that my perception about them is, in fact, the reality. After all, for twenty-plus years I had thought that my parents had a good marriage, but I was wrong about that. And now I have this fear that my "radar" is off, which brings all kinds of paranoia and insecurity about the covenant of marriage. But by talking to so many couples, I've been pleasantly surprised by the number of good marriages that are out there.

So I decided to ask my questions in a public format, on this blog. It is my hope that everyone can garner some affirmation from these amazing couples like I have. We shall see.  

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My first Hero & Heroine couple is Kathy and Jamie (James), who I've known for five years. Kathy is one of my dearest friends and mentors, and if I were Jamie, I would have married her too. She is THAT AWESOME. Jamie is just chill. Laid back and always smiling but will fight tooth and nail to protect his wife and family. K&J have two kids, ages 13 and 15, who are involved in just about every extracurricular activity imaginable. There is a lot of running to and fro and juggling of everyone's schedules. And yet, Kathy and Jamie are close as ever. They call each other often throughout the day, he sends her flowers just because, they laugh a lot, and they've been going strong for 19 years.

But they can tell their story better than I can, so here you go.

When and how did you meet?
Kathy: We were both in the same chemistry research group in graduate school at the University of Iowa.

How was this relationship (pre-marriage) different from the ones that came before it?
Jamie: This question is impossible to answer in this format. It would take an epic novel. 

Kathy: We were “just friends” for about 6 months before we started officially dating. But it was the extreme—and totally unexpected—“chemistry” that finally got the best of us! I think that the “friendship + chemistry” was a new equation for us both.

How did you know you wanted to marry each other?
J: I knew right away. I had a feeling of destiny fulfillment.
K: I think that from the time we started dating, it was just inevitable. We were very compatible people in a very passionate relationship; we were both ready to commit, and I don’t think we could imagine a future scenario where we weren’t together. It was just a natural evolution of our relationship.

What was your toughest year and why?
K: We have been very blessed in our lives together, but the hardest time was probably the first year of being parents. We had just moved to a new city, got very little sleep, didn’t have a lot of money, and didn’t have any family close enough to help us out.

How did you get through that difficult time?
K: We didn’t turn on each other, we turned to each other. And I think our relationship got stronger, because we gained a new respect for each other’s strength and ability to handle stress. We saw a whole new side of each other. And, of course, we had a lot of pride in our children, which made it all worth it.

How do you handle conflict with each other?
J: We rarely have any conflicts.
K: We don’t really “fight,” because I can’t get angry without crying, so I’m pretty sure that he just puts up with all of my crap and that’s that. It’s possible that it’s not the healthiest way to deal with issues . . . but it sure works for me!

In what ways has your relationship improved over the years?
K: I think that as we get older, we have more perspective and wisdom than we did when we were younger, so we don’t seem to stress as much about things over which we have no control, like social and family issues. We’re more confident as individuals, so our time together is more serene and focused.

With your busy schedules, how do you fit in Kathy-and-Jamie time?
K: Frankly, for the most part, we don’t. I’ve heard all the “relationship advice” about going on dates once a week, but it doesn’t happen. When the kids were little, we rarely had any opportunities to “get away,” and now that they’re old enough to leave alone, we don’t really feel the need to “get away.” We kinda like hanging out with them, and I don’t think we’ll regret all the time we’ve spent together as a family. We know that these days will be gone in the blink of an eye. Going to church is like a date for us, because we actually sit in close proximity to each other for a whole hour at a time! It’s almost embarrassing sometimes…

J: Sometimes it seems that our time is only a shared smile from afar but that's enough to keep me going.

How do you think your relationship might change when the kids leave the house?
J: I am looking forward to those days when we can just do things together spontaneously without worrying about the activity schedule.

Which celebrity couple do you resemble most?
K: Don’t laugh, but I’d have to say Morticia and Gomez Addams from the Addams Family movies... very passionate and playful.

Do you have any advice for young married couples (or soon-to-be-married couples)?
J: Be patient. When you find the right person you will know it. It's definitely worth the wait.
K: Remember to always treat each other with the respect and tolerance that you would give a best friend. Accordingly, don’t have irrational expectations of perfection—because you don’t want the same to be expected of you! Just have fun and love each other. Life goes by too quickly to be miserable.

Thank you, K&J, for sharing your real-life recipe for a successful marriage that has been such a blessing for me to witness. I love you crazy kids. And hey... no hanky panky in those church pews, alright?  

-JS

The Hollywoodization of America

I just started attending a new church, and funny enough, the past two sermons have been about marriage. I've discussed before my cynicism about marriage. So to hear that it can not only work, but also be this beautiful, fruitful, peaceful thing... well, let's just say I'm beginning to warm up to the idea again.

There are three specific details mentioned in these sermons that completely shook the core of my previous conceptions about marriage. No matter what your spiritual beliefs are, I'm confident you can learn from them as well. I will be paraphrasing the words of Gary Thomas and Bob Bouwer, respectively, who gave the sermons. Of course, they tell it much better than I do, so if you'd like to download the podcasts, you can do so here.

Check this out...

1) Gary Thomas says that the idea of "falling in love" with someone before marrying them, didn't even exist until about the 1400s. The concept of romantic love was later perpetuated by the romantic poets like Shakespeare, and of course now is all over the place in today's American culture. But for thousands of years, before the 1400s, people married solely out of natural necessity rather than love. This puts into perspective the way our selection process has drastically changed, and makes the idea of marrying simply for romantic love, seem kind of silly.

2) Similarly, according to Bob Bouwer, there was a recent study done on Christian marriages in the U.S. versus India. In all of the American marriages studied, the couples had gone through the process of dating, falling in love and then choosing to get married. The Indian marriages, however, were all pre-arranged. There was no dating or courting; some of them didn't even meet until their wedding day. And according to this study, 41% of American Christian marriages end in divorce. The Indian marriages? Less than 2%. Unbelievable. This goes to show that our reasons for marrying may be just a tad off base. Bouwer put it this way: "The commitment should always come first. Then the love."

3) You know those big swooping feelings you get when you first fall in love with someone? How you think about them constantly and you get butterflies in your stomach and all that jazz? Well, according to Gary Thomas, it is a proven, scientific, biological fact that those feelings inevitably go away after only 12 to 18 months. So that means, if you're choosing or have chosen to marry someone because you've never felt that way about anyone in your whole life, then you will surely be disappointed when, after a couple of years, that feeling disappears. Thomas's point is that our culture's expectations are out of whack. We focus too much on looking for that perfect someone who will sweep us off of our feet, when the reality is, that person will only end up falling off of the superficial pedestal we have placed them on.

What's refreshing about knowing these facts is that it shifts our lofty ideas of what marriage should be. I think we have been so Hollywood-ized, brainwashed to believe in soulmates and love at first sight. So sometimes, when reality turns out to be anything less than that perfect picture, we think we've made a mistake. Like we've chosen the wrong mate and therefore need to find the right one. And the downward spiral begins.

I know not every marriage is like this. I personally know many married couples who have not fallen into this spiral, because they understand the idea of commitment-over-love. I want to congratulate these couples, and also emulate them. So beginning this week, I am going to highlight some of the strongest married couples I know. They will be sharing how they found each other, and how they stick together even during life's most unstickable moments. I think everyone—married or not—will have a lot to learn from these amazing people. So stay tuned!

Unpacking My Baggage, Part 1

I grew up in a family that was as nuclear as it gets. I had a mom, a dad, an older brother and a younger sister. We did everything together, as a family. We ate dinner together every night (each with our own assigned seats). We kids participated in the same activities (Like band. Don't laugh.), and our parents were involved in those activities too. (Mom was president of the Band Boosters Club. Again, don't laugh.) 

We had so much fun together. Our nightly dinners usually involved lots of laughter. My father, brother and sister are real comedians, so there was never a dull moment. On weekends, my mother would find fun, inexpensive things for us to do as a family. Twice a year, we took family road trips to the east coast. 

Good things always just happened to our family. We had some snafus every once in a while, of course, but for the most part, we were well-behaved kids with two parents who loved us and loved each other. People used to call us the Brady Bunch. Like we were too good to be true.

My parents appeared to have a good marriage. They were affectionate with each other, and as we kids grew older and more independent, they started to build their own little life apart from us. They went on dates and took swing-dance lessons. On Friday nights they'd hang out with one of their many couple friends. Life was good.

So that's why, when they divorced this past year, the world as I knew it was swept up from under my feet.

Now that I'm older and know more of the story, I can see where some of the pitfalls were, all those years. I can see how tiny little molehills eventually turned into mighty mountains. I know that my parents never fought in front of us—never gave us any warning—because they wanted to protect us. And I know that, even though they told us over and over again that "divorce is not an option," it became one, simply because it just got to the point where it needed to be.

When I think back to the memories I have of our family during "the good ol' days," there's one that sticks out in my mind the most. We were in the kitchen, teasing Dad because he had this habit of leaving the cabinet doors open. We were all laughing hysterically about it, and then Dad came up behind Mom, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her on the neck. My siblings and I were horrified by this gesture of course, throwing out trash talk like, "Gross!", "Eww!", "Get a room!"

What I would give now, for my parents to be hugging and kissing in a kitchen full of open cabinet doors.

When you grow up in a household that has such a solid foundation, and when that foundation starts to give way and eventually crumbles into a million pieces... well, it can be a mess. So you clean up and build a new foundation. But you may not trust that new foundation very much. After all, you thought the old one was sturdy but it wasn't, so what's going to happen with this new one?

I'll stop speaking in metaphors now, but surely you can understand why I'm so conflicted about this whole love-and-marriage thing. I want it more than anything, but am afraid that it will someday go away like my parents' did.