Fascinating Advice from a Fascinating Person

Last night I watched Barbara Walters' 10 Most Fascinating People of 2008. One of those people was actor Will Smith.

As we all know, Smith has been married to Jada Pinkett Smith for the past 11 years. You always hear that these two have a great marriage, but you can never really trust if that's the truth. It is Hollywood, after all.

But Barbara addresses this in her interview with Smith, when she talks about the difference between his previous marriage with Sheree Zampino, which ended badly, and his current marriage with Jada...

Barbara: You've said now that divorce is not an option.

Will: Yeah. If divorce is not an option, we MIGHT wanna figure out how we could, like, have some fun together? Since we're gonna be here.

Barbara: Rather than, "Gee, if it doesn't work out, we'll get divorced."

Will: Yeah. Being married is the most difficult thing you're ever gonna do in your life, EVER! Anybody who's married, and divorce is an option? You're gettin' divorced.

Love it!

This kind of mimics the Kyra Sedgwick quote I wrote about a while back. It's the brilliant (yet basic) idea that you have to go into a marriage knowing that it's never, ever going to end. That's the only way it will work, or else you're... well... screwed.

The only problem is, how do you adopt the divorce-is-not-an-option mentality? And not only adopt it, but maintain it year after year after year?

If anyone has the secret, please lemme know before I get married. (Which, at this rate, won't be happening for a while, so take your time.)

Also, I have to say that I think parenting is "the most difficult thing you're ever gonna do in your life, EVER!" So either marriage is even more difficult (Lord, help me), or the fact that I've survived parenting (so far!) means that I'll be able to survive marriage? Perhaps?

Here's the full interview with Will Smith. Let me know what you think of it!

Do you have a work spouse?

My friend (what up, nodrama) sent me the link to this story, about how to identify whether or not you have a "Work Spouse."

What is a work spouse? Read and find out! Then tell me if you have one and how that whole thang's workin' out for you.

To Be Real

Over the past couple of days, I've been reading The Velveteen Rabbit with Julietta. I'd forgotten how much symbolism that story offers.

There is one part of the story that is sometimes read at weddings. (In fact, my sister read it at my brother's wedding.) And that's because it is a great metaphor for true love—the kind that really does last forever, even when you're old and falling apart. It can also be a metaphor for true beauty, as well as maturity.

It's just one big metaphorical bundle of wisdom.

"What is Real?" asked the Rabbit one day... "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand... And once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

Later on in the story, when Rabbit is declared Real by the boy who loves him, it reads: That night he was almost too happy to sleep, and so much love stirred in his little sawdust heart that it almost burst. And into his boot-button eyes, that had long ago lost their polish, there came a look of wisdom and beauty.

I don't know about you, but I want all of my hair to be loved off.

Honesty is the Best Policy? Part 2

I've been thinking about my honesty post all day, and I have some more things I want to talk about regarding this subject.

But first, one of the commenters on yesterday's post gave some very wise insight, along with this statement:

99% of the time telling the truth makes things easier... This number would be 100% if women avoided trap questions like "Does this dress make me look fat?" "Do I look fat" and making other comments about being fat or unattractive. Not that we're lying all the time, it's just a lot of pressure to put on a guy, you have to make sure you answer the question with the correct tone, timing, and eye contact.

The reason I call this out is because I have to ask... Ladies... are you really still asking the question "Does this make me look fat?" Because if you are, please stop. First of all, as the commenter noted, you're putting your man in a trap, whether you mean it or not. Even if his response to that question is a resounding "No," you're still going to wonder if he just said that to be nice or because it's the truth. So what's the point in even asking? Also, you know better than anyone else what really looks best on you. If you look in the mirror and are not happy with what you see, then change your clothes. And if you're happy and confident with how a particular outfit looks on you, then wear it with happiness and confidence! Give your man a break and stop asking him that question. Your intuition is much smarter than he is. (Sorry guys, but you know it's true.)

Okay, I'm off of my soapbox now. Kinda...

I now want to talk about dishonesty. Today at Julietta's cheerleading class I was chatting with one of the other cheerleading moms. This woman was young, fun and gregarious, but her eyes had the wear and tear of a rough life. I could tell just by looking at her that she's been through things I didn't even know were possible.

Sure enough, I was right.

We ended up talking about her ex-boyfriend, who happens to be the father of her child (who's in the same cheerleading class as Julietta. Ya follow?). The woman said that she was with this man for nine years—from age 19 to 28—and she didn't find out until the very end that the dude was MARRIED THE ENTIRE TIME. Not only was he married, but he had three other kids! And... AND!!!... he was living with her most of those years, and still managed to hide this secret from her!!

Now, since we're being honest, I will say that the inner cynic in me wondered if she was even telling the truth. This story just seems too bizarre to be real. I also wonder if she knew all along if something was fishy but was in denial or something. But let's just say that the story is true and she really had no clue. I wish I could meet the guy. Because, after giving him a good beating (kidding), I'd ask him about a million questions. Like how on earth did he keep that secret from her, of course. But also, is it really worth all of the hiding and sneaking to have a double life? For NINE YEARS??

I've never, ever understood the concept behind cheating. Not just cheating, but having a full-out affair while still staying in the original relationship. If a person is so unhappy that they're looking elsewhere, shouldn't they just end the first relationship? Is it really possible to love two people? Or is it all about having your cake and eating it too?

I've never cheated on anyone and I've never been cheated on (that I know of, anyway.) But I've seen some very dear friends get their lives torn apart by a cheating spouse, and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. And I'm still confounded on how cheating even happens. I'm not trying to be self-righteous, I'm just saying that the concept of cheating is one that I simply cannot wrap my mind around. But maybe I'm being naive.

I'm not asking for feedback this time, unless you're willing to offer it. I just wanted to vent, in the aftermath of that poor woman's story. And while I have the platform, if any of you may be cheating or thinking about cheating... like I said to the women who are asking their men if they look fat... please, just stop.

Advice from Kyra

I went to the doctor's office today, and while sitting in the waiting room, I read the August issue of Redbook magazine. The cover story featured actress Kyra Sedgwick, who celebrated her 20th wedding anniversary with husband Kevin Bacon this year. In the question-and-answer interview (which closely resembles my Hero & Heroine interviews), Sedgwick offered some of the most refreshing views on marriage that I've heard in a long time.

Here is an excerpt from the interview. I marked in bold the points that really struck me.

What changes in a marriage over 20 years?
Both of our lives are an open book in a way, because we are so boring. We've been married for so long and there are no secrets. But I never in a million years thought there would be sides to Kevin that I'm still learning. [Our relationship] is like a treasure; there are layers and layers of it. I'm constantly amazed that we are still surprised and interested in each other. When I look back at our first four years... by that time we'd had our second kid, and I look back at those pictures and I think, Gosh, I didn't know him at all! I loved him, but I didn't know him, and he probably didn't know me. But you grow together and learn more about each other. I think the trust gets deeper and the dependency gets deeper, which is scary. I think, because my father and mother split up when I was very young, there was a part of me at the beginning of our marriage that thought, I'm cool alone. I love him, but I'm strong enough to handle life without him. But now he is the person I count on to live and walk through life with. It's a dependency that is there and large and real and profound.

How do you handle the conflicts?
We always knew that we were each other's "one." Both of us knew this was forever and we were going to work it out no matter what happens, so when we fight, it's not so scary. You can't be honest with someone if you think that they are going to leave. It doesn't mean that sometimes I don't have bad dreams — which are terrible — but it's just a dream.

As parents, how do you and Kevin make sure you also get what you want?
I feel the primary relationship has to be the mother and the father, and then it can be the kids. Of course the kids come first in planning your life, but it's incredibly important to keep your relationship as a couple strong and make time for it. It's the foundation on which everything is built. Kids should know that your needs are important, because if they think your happiness lies only in them, that's a lot of pressure on them. Plus, I think if you are pursuing your own goals, it makes your kids want to search for whatever their dreams and bliss are.

So, how do you keep your relationship strong?
We got help when we needed to be alone. We check in with each other all the time. I think that's ultimately the best for the kids, because they feel safe when they know Mum and Dad are good, enjoying each other's company and wanting to be alone together. I think that's important.


Not sure why she said "Mum" instead of "Mom," but regardless... That's some good stuff right there. And what makes it even more enlightening is to hear it from someone in Hollywood—where marriages last about as long as it takes me to stand in line at the DMV. If that.

The picture of marriage that Sedgwick paints is the picture I want for my own marriage, whenever that may occur. In my mind, marriage is difficult, labor-intensive. But she makes it actually sound enjoyable. What a concept!

Two Hearts

I was just reading my favorite bridal blog, Brooklyn Bride, and came across this photo by Max Wanger that is so friggin' cool I just had to share it...



I'm totally stealing that for my wedding day.

(Speaking of, I'm reading the bridal blog for work, not because I'm getting married. Nor because I'm dreaming of getting married and therefore surrounding myself with all things bridal. I may be neurotic, but that would just be pathetic.)

My Hero & Heroine: Renald & Rinny

My pick for this month's Hero & Heroine are two of my best friends, who have chosen to go by the names Renald (the husband) and Rinny (the wife. Obvi.). They've been married for two years, but they've lived through what feels like 30 years of hardship. Rinny's mother has had cancer on and off for two years, and Renald's father died of cancer 1-1/2 years ago. They've also endured their own medical issues, financial difficulties, and other family woes that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Yet, somehow, their marriage has remained a solid pillar of strength throughout all of it. Renald and Rinny also treat each other with more respect than most married couples I know.

Both Renald and Rinny are fun, creative, goofy, and just a blast to be around. My humble adimiration for them—as individuals and as a couple—never ceases. And that is why they are and will always be my hero and heroine...

1. When and how did you meet?
Renald: We met at church. I had seen her a few times, and really thought she was beautiful. We were both known as creative people, so we were asked to create a video for the group we were in. Little did we know that it was a setup. The video took longer than it should have because we spent a lot of time talking. I asked her out after the first video session.
Rinny: It was a setup but not "the almighty setup." Our friends were quite stealthy about it. They used compliments to trick us: "You know how you two are both so creative? Why don't you work on this project together?" The first night we "worked" together we got nothing accomplished because we were more focused on getting to know each other.

2. How was this relationship (pre-marriage) different from the ones that came before it?
Renald: Most of my relationships were shallow before her. I really never felt loved, and was resigned to chasing girls, hoping that I could trick one into dating me. It was sad. I really feel like a lucky man to have Rinny's love. She is amazing.
Rinny: It was unlike anything I had experienced before. There was so much love and fun and respect. Even my family and friends noticed a change in me.

3. How did you know you wanted to marry each other?
Renald: After our first date, we drove back to her house and talked until after midnight. I drove home on cloud nine. My sister asked me the next day about how my date went, and after telling her about it, I knew that I would marry her.
Rinny: It's funny because after our first date, he didn't kiss me goodnight. Well he kissed my hand... so I thought, "Wow. After talking for hours and hours he must still not be that into me." I even told my mom I thought we would just be friends. But by the end of that week I just knew that he was "IT." Yes, it was soon, but before that, marriage had always scared me. Like once it happened life was over. With him I just felt like marrying him would be the beginning of something incredible, and it has been.

4. You've been through a lot of hardship. How does your marriage survive?
Renald: I honestly don't think I would have survived it without her. She's my rock. She's stood by me through my depression and lethargy. She's put up with my work antics. She's supported me when I was a poor excuse for a husband. Without her, I would have given up long ago.
Rinny: Most people say the honeymoon period is the best time. In our situation things have been anything but sunshine and rainbows. We have faced a lot of tragedies in the last 2 years. I think that when one of us is weak, the other is strong. We support each other in that way. Also we laugh a lot! I know people say cancer isn't funny, but you have to make it funny or life is just a drag!

5. How do you handle conflict with each other?
Renald: We are both very forgiving people. Sometimes too forgiving, and then it boils to a head. We've had our fair share of arguments, but there is one important thing. We agreed early on to never yell, and never call each other foul names. That has made a huge difference even when angry. It feels safer to be upset.
Rinny: Well, we don't have a ton of conflict, which can be a double-edged sword. When we do, we are patient with each other. No name-calling or yelling. It breaks our hearts to see other couples disrespect each other.

6. In what ways has your relationship improved since your wedding day?
Renald: We've learned so much about each other since being married. Living with someone is a crazy situation. You learn to bend and adapt. You learn how to provide for the other's needs even when you're tired from a long day. We aren't perfect at it, but we're getting better all the time.
Rinny: I didn't think it was possible, but I love him more and more all the time. We were together for almost 4 years before we married, so you would think we knew each other pretty well, but living with someone changes everything. It's hard work but fun.

7. Do you still go out on dates? If not, how do you manage to spend quality time together?
Renald: We don't "date" as often as we used to. We're focused right now on getting out of debt. So, we've cut our spending money way down. We talk when we are together. We share stories about our days. We text each other throughout the day. Keeping in touch is crucial.
Rinny: Ha! Dates! I know everything I read says we should have date night but it's just not feasible right now. We've cut our spending to try and get out of debt. Not to mention our lives are so hectic that sitting on the couch talking is about all we have energy for. Sometimes I feel like we haven't really sat down to talk in days. That's when we make a point to have some solid face-to-face time.

[Note from Juliet: You can still go on dates without spending any money. Go to a museum or go ice skating, something sweet and pure (and FREE!) like that. I'd like to challenge you (and other couples reading this) to think of creative ways to go on dates without spending a dime. Then tell me about it!]

8. What's your favorite thing about your spouse?
Renald: My favorite thing about Rinny is when we are running around the house being goofy and laughing. We like to make up songs about our animals and each other. I love making Rinny smile. It's entrancing and infectious. She's incredible.
Rinny: His ability to make my darkest moments better. When people meet us they often ask, "Do you just laugh together all the time?" We do. Our day-to-day interactions are hilarious. At least in our opinion.

9. Which fictional TV/movie couple do you resemble most?
Renald: I would have to say Monica and Chandler [from the TV show Friends] to a degree, but Rinny is more like Rachel. So, if Rachel and Chandler ever got together, that'd be us.
Rinny: I would say Lily and Marshall from How I Met your Mother. They are sickeningly sweet but also hilarious.

10. Do you have any advice for young married couples (or soon-to-be-married couples)?
Renald: YES!!! Don't get married too soon. Work through all of the relationship garbage when you can still get time apart. Also, you aren't as important as you think you are, and most of the time your opinion doesn't really matter. Spend each day doing your best to make the other person happy, and your happiness will come right along with that.
Rinny: Ladies, don't emasculate your husband in front of other people (or ever). It's not cute or funny, and if you start early you'll do it forever. Or he'll get tired of it and you will become a statistic. Above all else, respect each other, love each other, take care of each other. Marriage is a give-and-take process.


Thank you, R&R, for your fresh perspective on how to keep a marriage... well... fresh! You are proof that love can truly outlast a storm. And I'm still praying that your storm will soon clear up so the sun can finally shine again. Love you! -JS

"L" is for Lame

Well I am just giddy as all get-out.

(Wait, did I just say giddy as all get-out? What am I, Marie Osmond?)

How about this? I'm supa psyched.

That's better.

So I'm supa psyched that there was such dynamic discussion on my post yesterday about whether or not a woman should make the first move on the man. The consensus was pretty even, but it's just fascinating to me that other people are interested in this like I am. I tend to agree with a couple of the readers' opinions that men have backed down a bit in recent years, and women are picking up the slack. At the same time, I kind of like the challenge of being more of a decision-maker in the whole process, ya know? We women no longer have to sit back and wait for a guy to pay attention to us. That's pretty cool. However, it can be taken too far, and that's where it gets tricky.

Moving on.

Today I had a can of Diet Coke for lunch, and when I was done, I moved the little tab thingy back and forth until it came off. And just like any boy-crazy girl would do, I said the alphabet while pushing the tab, in order to find out who I'm going to marry. The tab came off on the letter "F," which means my future husband's name starts with "F." (Frank? Fernando?) But just yesterday the tab came off on the letter "D." (David? I like that name. I could marry a David. But then what about Fernando?)

This little game is so silly, but I've been playing it since I was in sixth grade. That, and the apple stem one. (You say the alphabet at every twist of the stem.) Who thought of these goofy gimmicks? Why do people believe in them? And why on earth am I still taking part in such a ludicrous activity? After all, I've been doing this with every apple and pop can for the past 17 years. And according to the extensive results, I'm apparently going to marry someone whose name starts with a letter between A and Z. Groundbreaking. Maybe I should start keeping track of the letters I get, and the one that comes up the most often will represent the name of my husband.

Either that, or I could quit relying on a piece of aluminum to determine my fate.

Just thought I'd share one of my neurotic little quirks. I hope I'm not alone, but I wouldn't be surprised if I am.

The Spectacular American Wedding

Tonight I went to a bridal show. And before you get any crazy ideas, I assure you that I was not there for my own wedding. Not even close. 

No, I go to a lot of bridal shows for my job, and boy, have I seen the unglamorous side of weddings that way. All of the vendors crave the brides' attention, striving to sell them on the fact that they are different from every other florist/photographer/DJ in the room. And you'd think the brides would be excited to be there, but they really don't appear to be. They're all business, just trying to find the best deal and the prettiest tiara. (Ugh, don't get me started on tiaras.) 

 

It's kind of ironic, if you think about it. You fill a huge room with people who are dedicated to creating the most romantic day of a couple's life. But in doing so, every ounce of romance is removed, replaced by cliché marketing lines from overeager vendors and slow, uninterested nods from emotionally drained brides.

Which causes me to wonder... has the traditional, middle-class American wedding become one big superficial spectacle? Tonight one of my co-workers told me that his wedding had 450 guests. Wowza, that's a lot of people. Then he said both he and his wife now feel that a visit to the courthouse with a couple of witnesses would have been more fulfilling. That sounds horribly boring to me, but maybe he has a point.

When I was engaged, I didn't have a huge budget to work with, but it was sufficient enough for an average wedding. My fiancé argued that we should instead spend that money on a down payment for a home. But I wanted my wedding!, I whined. I had to watch all of my friends get married and now it was MY turn. Yes, it was my turn to have 200 people watch me walk down the aisle in a beautiful gown and then to have a $500 dollar cake smashed in my face. 

My. Turn.

It seems so selfish and silly when I look back on it, but if I were engaged right now I'd probably be thinking the same thing. I don't want my wedding to be a secret, I want it to be a spectacle!

Those of you who had the traditional wedding... I would like your input. If you could do it all over again, would you do it the same way? Or are you in agreement with my co-worker that the courthouse would have sufficed?

Do tell...

Just Say No... to TV

I came across this article on MSN, about how a couple made a commitment to go without TV for their first year of marriage.

I'm not married but I totally think this is a great idea. Television can be an easy distraction when conversation is dull or unwanted. It fills the space where there might be a void... or it can create the void in the first place.

I know some of you reading this are bigtime TV aficionados. And I'm not judgin', I swear! But just imagine for a sec the many things you could do with your spouse (and/or your kids) if the TV wasn't there to lure you with its shiny pictures and addictive plots.

I think the concluding paragraph sums it up nicely:

And for now, as peculiar as it may seem, this TV-free experience is giving us a priceless gift: the ability to kick off our marriage with a solid foundation of communication. Having no TV has challenged us to stop watching other people live their lives and to start living our own. I recommend turning off the tube to all couples. I guarantee you: It's reality TV at its finest.

You can read the entire article here.

But first, have any of you tried going without TV for a period of time, for the sake of enriching your marriage? (Or for any other reason?) If so, how did it go?

Rules of Engagement

I wrote this post back in July, before this blog even existed. I had originally planned on starting the blog at that time but it didn't work out. So the timeliness of this post is a little off, what with its reference to a TV show, but its message is one that I still would like to put out there. So, digest... 

__________________________________________________

The other night I watched The Bachelorette season finale. I kinda can’t stand that show. (He’s the most amazing person you’ve ever met…in your whole entire life? Now that's serious. And eloquent.) But there was nothing better on and I was determined to veg on the couch for the first time this decade, so there it is.

In the (Most Dramatic Ever!) finale, the bachelorette chose this goofy, fun-loving guy who also proclaimed endless sappy superlatives about her. He got down on one knee, proposed, she said yes, and they lived happily ever after.

Following the finale came the hour-long “After the Rose” segment, so that viewers—still high from rose petals, icky real-people French kisses, and words like "soulmate"—could catch up to the couple in real time. Are they still together? Did she choose the wrong man? Find out, after these messages.

All throughout the “After the Rose” show, the commentator guy kept teasing the viewers further at commercial breaks: “Coming up, the happy couple makes a shocking announcement!” Which was perfect for me because I happen to love shocking announcements. I continued watching.

After 45 minutes of assurances that the couple is still together, they finally come to the shocking announcement, which is…. drum roll please… are you ready for this?…. The engaged couple SET A DATE for their wedding!!!

Woo. Hoo.

But get this... then the commentator turns to the couple’s families, who are sitting in the front row, and says, “So what do you guys think? Not only are they engaged but they’re getting married!”

Ummm... Am I missing something? Isn’t “being engaged” supposed to mean that you’re “getting married”? Isn’t the whole purpose behind a proposal to make a statement that you plan to marry someone?

This has been a gripe of mine for some time now. About two years ago, a coworker told me that his brother had just proposed to his girlfriend. A few months ago I realized there hadn’t yet been a wedding, so I asked my coworker if they’re still engaged. He said yes. "So when’s the wedding?" I asked. His reply was, and I quote, “Oh, they’re not getting married.” As if he were saying, “Oh, you don’t eat the crayons, silly.”

Somewhere along the line, the rules of commitment have changed. The engagement ring has become nothing more than a super-duper promise ring. I know that I broke off my engagement, but at least up until that point I had planned on actually marrying the guy. Why do some people even bother getting engaged if they have no intention of getting married? 

I just don't get it.

But don’t you worry about the Bachelorette and her most amazing man in the whole wide universe. They’re soulmates. We can make fun of them all we want, but at least they understand the action that is supposed to go with the commitment.

This month, anyway.

My Hero & Heroine: Jamie and Kathy

Ever since my parents threw me for a loop with their divorce, I long to talk to couples who seem to have a strong, happy marriage. And when I get this opportunity, I ask a lot of questions—every time holding my breath in hopes that my perception about them is, in fact, the reality. After all, for twenty-plus years I had thought that my parents had a good marriage, but I was wrong about that. And now I have this fear that my "radar" is off, which brings all kinds of paranoia and insecurity about the covenant of marriage. But by talking to so many couples, I've been pleasantly surprised by the number of good marriages that are out there.

So I decided to ask my questions in a public format, on this blog. It is my hope that everyone can garner some affirmation from these amazing couples like I have. We shall see.  

___________________________________________________

My first Hero & Heroine couple is Kathy and Jamie (James), who I've known for five years. Kathy is one of my dearest friends and mentors, and if I were Jamie, I would have married her too. She is THAT AWESOME. Jamie is just chill. Laid back and always smiling but will fight tooth and nail to protect his wife and family. K&J have two kids, ages 13 and 15, who are involved in just about every extracurricular activity imaginable. There is a lot of running to and fro and juggling of everyone's schedules. And yet, Kathy and Jamie are close as ever. They call each other often throughout the day, he sends her flowers just because, they laugh a lot, and they've been going strong for 19 years.

But they can tell their story better than I can, so here you go.

When and how did you meet?
Kathy: We were both in the same chemistry research group in graduate school at the University of Iowa.

How was this relationship (pre-marriage) different from the ones that came before it?
Jamie: This question is impossible to answer in this format. It would take an epic novel. 

Kathy: We were “just friends” for about 6 months before we started officially dating. But it was the extreme—and totally unexpected—“chemistry” that finally got the best of us! I think that the “friendship + chemistry” was a new equation for us both.

How did you know you wanted to marry each other?
J: I knew right away. I had a feeling of destiny fulfillment.
K: I think that from the time we started dating, it was just inevitable. We were very compatible people in a very passionate relationship; we were both ready to commit, and I don’t think we could imagine a future scenario where we weren’t together. It was just a natural evolution of our relationship.

What was your toughest year and why?
K: We have been very blessed in our lives together, but the hardest time was probably the first year of being parents. We had just moved to a new city, got very little sleep, didn’t have a lot of money, and didn’t have any family close enough to help us out.

How did you get through that difficult time?
K: We didn’t turn on each other, we turned to each other. And I think our relationship got stronger, because we gained a new respect for each other’s strength and ability to handle stress. We saw a whole new side of each other. And, of course, we had a lot of pride in our children, which made it all worth it.

How do you handle conflict with each other?
J: We rarely have any conflicts.
K: We don’t really “fight,” because I can’t get angry without crying, so I’m pretty sure that he just puts up with all of my crap and that’s that. It’s possible that it’s not the healthiest way to deal with issues . . . but it sure works for me!

In what ways has your relationship improved over the years?
K: I think that as we get older, we have more perspective and wisdom than we did when we were younger, so we don’t seem to stress as much about things over which we have no control, like social and family issues. We’re more confident as individuals, so our time together is more serene and focused.

With your busy schedules, how do you fit in Kathy-and-Jamie time?
K: Frankly, for the most part, we don’t. I’ve heard all the “relationship advice” about going on dates once a week, but it doesn’t happen. When the kids were little, we rarely had any opportunities to “get away,” and now that they’re old enough to leave alone, we don’t really feel the need to “get away.” We kinda like hanging out with them, and I don’t think we’ll regret all the time we’ve spent together as a family. We know that these days will be gone in the blink of an eye. Going to church is like a date for us, because we actually sit in close proximity to each other for a whole hour at a time! It’s almost embarrassing sometimes…

J: Sometimes it seems that our time is only a shared smile from afar but that's enough to keep me going.

How do you think your relationship might change when the kids leave the house?
J: I am looking forward to those days when we can just do things together spontaneously without worrying about the activity schedule.

Which celebrity couple do you resemble most?
K: Don’t laugh, but I’d have to say Morticia and Gomez Addams from the Addams Family movies... very passionate and playful.

Do you have any advice for young married couples (or soon-to-be-married couples)?
J: Be patient. When you find the right person you will know it. It's definitely worth the wait.
K: Remember to always treat each other with the respect and tolerance that you would give a best friend. Accordingly, don’t have irrational expectations of perfection—because you don’t want the same to be expected of you! Just have fun and love each other. Life goes by too quickly to be miserable.

Thank you, K&J, for sharing your real-life recipe for a successful marriage that has been such a blessing for me to witness. I love you crazy kids. And hey... no hanky panky in those church pews, alright?  

-JS

The Hollywoodization of America

I just started attending a new church, and funny enough, the past two sermons have been about marriage. I've discussed before my cynicism about marriage. So to hear that it can not only work, but also be this beautiful, fruitful, peaceful thing... well, let's just say I'm beginning to warm up to the idea again.

There are three specific details mentioned in these sermons that completely shook the core of my previous conceptions about marriage. No matter what your spiritual beliefs are, I'm confident you can learn from them as well. I will be paraphrasing the words of Gary Thomas and Bob Bouwer, respectively, who gave the sermons. Of course, they tell it much better than I do, so if you'd like to download the podcasts, you can do so here.

Check this out...

1) Gary Thomas says that the idea of "falling in love" with someone before marrying them, didn't even exist until about the 1400s. The concept of romantic love was later perpetuated by the romantic poets like Shakespeare, and of course now is all over the place in today's American culture. But for thousands of years, before the 1400s, people married solely out of natural necessity rather than love. This puts into perspective the way our selection process has drastically changed, and makes the idea of marrying simply for romantic love, seem kind of silly.

2) Similarly, according to Bob Bouwer, there was a recent study done on Christian marriages in the U.S. versus India. In all of the American marriages studied, the couples had gone through the process of dating, falling in love and then choosing to get married. The Indian marriages, however, were all pre-arranged. There was no dating or courting; some of them didn't even meet until their wedding day. And according to this study, 41% of American Christian marriages end in divorce. The Indian marriages? Less than 2%. Unbelievable. This goes to show that our reasons for marrying may be just a tad off base. Bouwer put it this way: "The commitment should always come first. Then the love."

3) You know those big swooping feelings you get when you first fall in love with someone? How you think about them constantly and you get butterflies in your stomach and all that jazz? Well, according to Gary Thomas, it is a proven, scientific, biological fact that those feelings inevitably go away after only 12 to 18 months. So that means, if you're choosing or have chosen to marry someone because you've never felt that way about anyone in your whole life, then you will surely be disappointed when, after a couple of years, that feeling disappears. Thomas's point is that our culture's expectations are out of whack. We focus too much on looking for that perfect someone who will sweep us off of our feet, when the reality is, that person will only end up falling off of the superficial pedestal we have placed them on.

What's refreshing about knowing these facts is that it shifts our lofty ideas of what marriage should be. I think we have been so Hollywood-ized, brainwashed to believe in soulmates and love at first sight. So sometimes, when reality turns out to be anything less than that perfect picture, we think we've made a mistake. Like we've chosen the wrong mate and therefore need to find the right one. And the downward spiral begins.

I know not every marriage is like this. I personally know many married couples who have not fallen into this spiral, because they understand the idea of commitment-over-love. I want to congratulate these couples, and also emulate them. So beginning this week, I am going to highlight some of the strongest married couples I know. They will be sharing how they found each other, and how they stick together even during life's most unstickable moments. I think everyone—married or not—will have a lot to learn from these amazing people. So stay tuned!

Unpacking My Baggage, Part 1

I grew up in a family that was as nuclear as it gets. I had a mom, a dad, an older brother and a younger sister. We did everything together, as a family. We ate dinner together every night (each with our own assigned seats). We kids participated in the same activities (Like band. Don't laugh.), and our parents were involved in those activities too. (Mom was president of the Band Boosters Club. Again, don't laugh.) 

We had so much fun together. Our nightly dinners usually involved lots of laughter. My father, brother and sister are real comedians, so there was never a dull moment. On weekends, my mother would find fun, inexpensive things for us to do as a family. Twice a year, we took family road trips to the east coast. 

Good things always just happened to our family. We had some snafus every once in a while, of course, but for the most part, we were well-behaved kids with two parents who loved us and loved each other. People used to call us the Brady Bunch. Like we were too good to be true.

My parents appeared to have a good marriage. They were affectionate with each other, and as we kids grew older and more independent, they started to build their own little life apart from us. They went on dates and took swing-dance lessons. On Friday nights they'd hang out with one of their many couple friends. Life was good.

So that's why, when they divorced this past year, the world as I knew it was swept up from under my feet.

Now that I'm older and know more of the story, I can see where some of the pitfalls were, all those years. I can see how tiny little molehills eventually turned into mighty mountains. I know that my parents never fought in front of us—never gave us any warning—because they wanted to protect us. And I know that, even though they told us over and over again that "divorce is not an option," it became one, simply because it just got to the point where it needed to be.

When I think back to the memories I have of our family during "the good ol' days," there's one that sticks out in my mind the most. We were in the kitchen, teasing Dad because he had this habit of leaving the cabinet doors open. We were all laughing hysterically about it, and then Dad came up behind Mom, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her on the neck. My siblings and I were horrified by this gesture of course, throwing out trash talk like, "Gross!", "Eww!", "Get a room!"

What I would give now, for my parents to be hugging and kissing in a kitchen full of open cabinet doors.

When you grow up in a household that has such a solid foundation, and when that foundation starts to give way and eventually crumbles into a million pieces... well, it can be a mess. So you clean up and build a new foundation. But you may not trust that new foundation very much. After all, you thought the old one was sturdy but it wasn't, so what's going to happen with this new one?

I'll stop speaking in metaphors now, but surely you can understand why I'm so conflicted about this whole love-and-marriage thing. I want it more than anything, but am afraid that it will someday go away like my parents' did.