The Good Stuff

I don't know if you've noticed, but I've had a bit of a case of writer's block lately. Partly because my schedule has been pretty hectic, but mainly because it can be difficult to write something compelling about love every night.

So tonight I'm just going to write about some good things going on in my life. Because sometimes that's more exciting to write/read about than breakups or dating advice. The cool thing about this is that I've definitely come 180 from a couple of weeks ago. We women are like that—our moods can change in a nanosecond. It must be because of all those emotional receptors floating around in our brains.

So this is what's making me happy lately...

1) My awesome sister Stella is coming home for Christmas! For a whole week! And she's staying at MY HOUSE! We're gonna gossip and paint our toenails and get in fights about how messy she is! Yay!

2) My job has been more fulfilling than usual lately because I've been involved in some big-picture stuff, which sometimes makes the nitty-gritty, daily-grind stressors a little more worth it.

3) I moved to a new town in August and I've already made a ton of new friends. I'm amazed at how quickly some of those friendships have developed. Have you ever met a person or group of people and you just jive so well together that you can't even imagine how you lived your life before they came along? Yeah, that's happening to me with some of my new friends.

4) My old friends still love me too.

5) (Okay, this one kind of relates to love...) I've been on a few dates with this great guy and whenever I see or hear from him, my stomach turns upside down and my face turns into one big cheesy grin, for a good thirty minutes or so.

6) My daughter is so excited about Christmas that she's starting to make ME believe in Santa Claus again.

7) I have a new vacuum cleaner.

8) I'm going to a bunch of parties in the next couple of weeks. And really, a good party is the bread and butter of my social life. I. Love. Parties.

I hope all of you are finding happiness in your lives too, even despite the junk going on in the world right now. Thanks for reading.

Do you have a work spouse?

My friend (what up, nodrama) sent me the link to this story, about how to identify whether or not you have a "Work Spouse."

What is a work spouse? Read and find out! Then tell me if you have one and how that whole thang's workin' out for you.

The Almighty Set-Up

There's this woman at work who's always trying to set me up with someone. Whenever I walk by her desk, which is often, she'll say something like, "You know who would be perfect for you? My cousin's neighbor's best friend's brother." Or worse, "What about that guy in advertising?" It's okay when she's talking about some stranger twice removed, but when she brings it in-house it just gets awkward.

For years, people have been trying to set me up with some great guy they know. And I have mixed feelings about that. First of all, it rarely turns into anything. And when it doesn't work out, my friendship with the matchmaker inevitably becomes a little strained.

One time, a few years ago, a different co-worker tried to set me up with her best guy friend. We went on a date, and it just wasn't flowin' for me. And to make things worse, he gave me this really cheesy line. Actually, it would have been a pretty cool line, except I happened to know that it was quoted directly from an episode of The Cosby Show circa 1990. I wanted so badly to say, "Dude, that line sooo isn't yours.... oh, and The Cosby Show? Really? I mean I love that show but if you're gonna steal a line, shouldn't it be from something studly and sexy like Jerry Maguire or a Prince song or something?" At least he was somewhat original, in that he is probably the only man on the planet who got a good love line from Bill Cosby.

After that date, I had to break the news to my friend the matchmaker that I wasn't interested in her friend. And it felt like I was breaking up with her. She looked totally bummed. And I can see why. After all, I was basically telling her that her judgment was off, that her taste was not as great as she thought it was.

But I think the main reason why set-ups rarely work is because it's so forced. The two people get together knowing they're only there based on the opinion of a mutual friend, which automatically takes away that glorious experience of Random Chance Encounter. (Kind of like online dating—ha!)

I've never been a matchmaker myself. Which is why I actually really admire those people who do take great joy in pairing people up. What an unselfish thing to do, ya know? The fact that my current co-worker thought of me when she met her cousin's neighbor's best friend's brother is solid proof that she is others-focused. Which is another reason why I don't want to hurt her feelings if any of her suggestions don't work out. It was so nice of her to think of me in the first place—how could I possibly let her down?

I have had one successful relationship as a result of a set-up (from yet another co-worker, I just realized; I'm sensing a pattern here...). Well, it was successful in that it lasted for five months, which isn't all that long but it's a lot longer than one date.

Are any of you in a relationship now that is the product of some good matchmakin'? Tell me about it.

Guest Blog: The Deepest Circle of Hell

Since I've started this blog, a few of my friends have approached me saying that they're going through a particular experience involving relationships and they think I should write about it. And I'd be happy to, except in some cases it wouldn't mean anything coming from me. The people who can say it best are the ones who are living it at that moment.

So I decided to feature a "guest blog" every once in a while, from the people who I think have a good story to tell. The first one comes from my friend Seth. Seth and I have a lot in common, in that we both got engaged around the same time and then broke off those engagements at the same time. We didn't even know each other at that point.

Below, Seth writes about a sobering but valuable lesson he has learned since the breakup. I'm sure anyone who has ever been in love can relate, to some extent. Enjoy...  -JS

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Hi, I’m a guest blogger. 25. Male. While I don’t have much “relational baggage,” (most of my dating life has been pretty typical, not nearly exciting enough for blog format) I was confronted with one of the most terrible truths of my entire life this weekend.  

The backstory: I was engaged (oh so briefly) to a woman (who we’ll call Tara) who suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder. Breaking it off was very tough, but I went to counseling and worked out my junk, used the money from the ring to buy a new racing bicycle and an XBOX 360, and life got back to normal.  

But often the most terrible part of a break-up is not the pain of being alone, but facing who you were. It was just last night at a social gathering when one of my best friends Cathy and I were re-telling college stories to her new boyfriend, and the topic of my engagement came up. Normally, I can put a somewhat bright face on this negative event, and turn one of the toughest events of my life into a big party joke for the amusement of others.

 
But Cathy jumped in and took the lead on this particular retelling, and for the first time, I heard back all the words I had spoken to her a year before. When Cathy had tried to warn me about my fiancée, I told her off, and informed her that I wouldn’t be speaking to her for a while until she learned her lesson.

A few weeks after this happened, Tara complained that it was “inappropriate” for me to have lunch with my female college friend while I was on business in Nashville. I complied, and ducked out of the commitment.  

This pattern continued until I had alienated four of my five (three male and two female, for the record) best friends from college.

On the day that Tara and I got engaged, I called my mom for 2 minutes, told her the news like I was telling her the weather, and then didn’t return her calls for a week.  

Anyone who knows me well will tell you that this is VERY unlike me. (My mom and my friends were shocked, and started calling each other to try and figure out what was going on).

A year later, I’m not sure how I sunk to levels this low, to betray my best friends, and my own mother. Ironically, when I broke up with Tara, it was these six people who surrounded me with love and helped me put the pieces back together.  

The lesson: be careful about what a relationship costs you. Every choice in life costs something, be it our time, energy, or thoughts. And relationships cost something too.  

With the really good ones, this cost is well worth it. But no single relationship should cost you all your others. If the “price tag” on the “love of your life” reads “those closest to you,” then the price is far too high.  

In Dante’s classic poem “The Inferno,” the deepest circle of hell is not reserved for murders, rapists, child molesters, or even those who orchestrated genocide. The most terrible part of hell is reserved solely for men who turned their backs on their friends.  

I have lost love, and I have no regrets.

I have betrayed friends, and it’s the biggest regret of my life, the single choice of which I am most utterly ashamed, the mark I would trade happiness, success, and wealth to erase.  

Love is a wonderful thing.

But be careful what it costs.