Ex Memories

I'm back! Sorry I haven't written much lately. These past two weeks have been all out of whack, schedule-wise, what with the holidays and all. 'Twas a fun two weeks, though, that's fo' sho'. But now I'm back in the swing of things and will be posting regularly again.

I'm still working on my list for the 80/20 Experiment. It requires a lot more thought than I had anticipated. I feel like my list is too short, and I want to mull over it for a couple of days, just to make sure I'm not missing anything.

So tonight I'm going to write about something else that's been on my mind.

A few days ago I hung out with a pretty solid couple who has been together for a long time. It was my first time hanging out with the two of them together. So I was surprised when they kept talking about their past relationships, as if they were talking about the weather. Both of them would frequently bring up ex-boyfriends and girlfriends for some reason or another.

Considering my last serious relationship was one where the single mention of an ex-boyfriend's name would result in days' worth of punishment, this really stood out to me. Doesn't it bother her when he talks about a fun memory with an ex? Does it eat away at him when she talks about her first kiss?

Or is it healthy to talk about these things? I suppose keeping it out in the open shows that there's nothing to hide. And those memories are in the past. But if that's the case, why bring them into the present?

Please weigh in on this for me. Do you talk about exes in your current relationship, or are those discussions off-limits? And be honest... how do you REALLY feel when your mate talks about an ex?

Do dish!

"L" is for Lame

Well I am just giddy as all get-out.

(Wait, did I just say giddy as all get-out? What am I, Marie Osmond?)

How about this? I'm supa psyched.

That's better.

So I'm supa psyched that there was such dynamic discussion on my post yesterday about whether or not a woman should make the first move on the man. The consensus was pretty even, but it's just fascinating to me that other people are interested in this like I am. I tend to agree with a couple of the readers' opinions that men have backed down a bit in recent years, and women are picking up the slack. At the same time, I kind of like the challenge of being more of a decision-maker in the whole process, ya know? We women no longer have to sit back and wait for a guy to pay attention to us. That's pretty cool. However, it can be taken too far, and that's where it gets tricky.

Moving on.

Today I had a can of Diet Coke for lunch, and when I was done, I moved the little tab thingy back and forth until it came off. And just like any boy-crazy girl would do, I said the alphabet while pushing the tab, in order to find out who I'm going to marry. The tab came off on the letter "F," which means my future husband's name starts with "F." (Frank? Fernando?) But just yesterday the tab came off on the letter "D." (David? I like that name. I could marry a David. But then what about Fernando?)

This little game is so silly, but I've been playing it since I was in sixth grade. That, and the apple stem one. (You say the alphabet at every twist of the stem.) Who thought of these goofy gimmicks? Why do people believe in them? And why on earth am I still taking part in such a ludicrous activity? After all, I've been doing this with every apple and pop can for the past 17 years. And according to the extensive results, I'm apparently going to marry someone whose name starts with a letter between A and Z. Groundbreaking. Maybe I should start keeping track of the letters I get, and the one that comes up the most often will represent the name of my husband.

Either that, or I could quit relying on a piece of aluminum to determine my fate.

Just thought I'd share one of my neurotic little quirks. I hope I'm not alone, but I wouldn't be surprised if I am.

The First Move

I've had a very busy few days, which is why I haven't written anything since Thursday evening. Sorry about that. The life of a social butterfly... Sigh.

Kidding. But not really.

Because my first social event of the weekend was the aforementioned Halloween party, which I attended as Marilyn Monroe. It was a fun costume, and I think it was a hit. But it occurred to me halfway through the party that I should have gone as Juliet, to stay in keeping with my blogosphere persona... Nah, Marilyn Monroe is way cooler.

As the Halloween party made its way into the wee hours of the evening, a small group of us engaged in a friendly debate about relationships. In particular, there was a guy (we'll call him Mikey) who likes a girl (Ginger). There are times when it appears that Ginger's got the hots for him too, but then she'll go off and flirt with some other guy. Which clearly confuses the crap out of Mikey. One of the guys in our group (Daniel) urged Mikey to just straight-up tell Ginger how he feels. Daniel's wise advice was, "Just put it out there. Yeah, she might turn you down. And if she does, well, at least you'll know how she feels. But you're never going to know if you don't make the move, man." His point was that life is too short to keep waiting for the other person to make the first move. Well said, my friend.

But then I brought up the gender issue, which I love doing. I don't care what anyone says—men and women have different strengths, and those strengths should be carried over into romantic relationships. But as we all know, gender roles have gotten all screwed up lately. So I asked Daniel whether or not he thinks it's a turn-on if a girl makes the first move, even though that's typically the man's role. It seems to me that the girl would come across as too aggressive, which is something I've been told all of my life that guys don't like. But Daniel basically said, bring it on. He would love it if the girl made the first move, because then he'll know that she likes him. Which is precisely why we girls like it when the GUY makes the first move.

My head hurts.

What do you think? If you're interested in someone, and if you're not quite sure if that person is interested in you, do you make the move or do you wait for the other person to make it?

And, all of you men out there, I'm begging for some honesty here. If you, like Daniel, appreciate when the girl makes the move, but you don't want her to be too aggressive, how on earth are we to know where to draw the line?

Discuss.

(By the way, the kind of "moves" I'm talking about is innocent stuff like asking for a date or a phone number. Just wanted to make that clear, because sometimes "making a move" has different interpretations.)

Okay, now you can discuss.

The Almighty Set-Up

There's this woman at work who's always trying to set me up with someone. Whenever I walk by her desk, which is often, she'll say something like, "You know who would be perfect for you? My cousin's neighbor's best friend's brother." Or worse, "What about that guy in advertising?" It's okay when she's talking about some stranger twice removed, but when she brings it in-house it just gets awkward.

For years, people have been trying to set me up with some great guy they know. And I have mixed feelings about that. First of all, it rarely turns into anything. And when it doesn't work out, my friendship with the matchmaker inevitably becomes a little strained.

One time, a few years ago, a different co-worker tried to set me up with her best guy friend. We went on a date, and it just wasn't flowin' for me. And to make things worse, he gave me this really cheesy line. Actually, it would have been a pretty cool line, except I happened to know that it was quoted directly from an episode of The Cosby Show circa 1990. I wanted so badly to say, "Dude, that line sooo isn't yours.... oh, and The Cosby Show? Really? I mean I love that show but if you're gonna steal a line, shouldn't it be from something studly and sexy like Jerry Maguire or a Prince song or something?" At least he was somewhat original, in that he is probably the only man on the planet who got a good love line from Bill Cosby.

After that date, I had to break the news to my friend the matchmaker that I wasn't interested in her friend. And it felt like I was breaking up with her. She looked totally bummed. And I can see why. After all, I was basically telling her that her judgment was off, that her taste was not as great as she thought it was.

But I think the main reason why set-ups rarely work is because it's so forced. The two people get together knowing they're only there based on the opinion of a mutual friend, which automatically takes away that glorious experience of Random Chance Encounter. (Kind of like online dating—ha!)

I've never been a matchmaker myself. Which is why I actually really admire those people who do take great joy in pairing people up. What an unselfish thing to do, ya know? The fact that my current co-worker thought of me when she met her cousin's neighbor's best friend's brother is solid proof that she is others-focused. Which is another reason why I don't want to hurt her feelings if any of her suggestions don't work out. It was so nice of her to think of me in the first place—how could I possibly let her down?

I have had one successful relationship as a result of a set-up (from yet another co-worker, I just realized; I'm sensing a pattern here...). Well, it was successful in that it lasted for five months, which isn't all that long but it's a lot longer than one date.

Are any of you in a relationship now that is the product of some good matchmakin'? Tell me about it.

Because I just LOVE experiments

Well, the online dating poll was a tight race all day, until the final comment took the lead for the "yay" team. 

Interesting responses. The people who explained the reason behind their votes (and some did so offline) were each quite convincing. The nay-sayers were especially passionate, which makes sense if you think about it. They prefer passion, chance, kismet over formulas and automated searches. I prefer the former as well, but look where that's gotten me so far. 

So here's what I'm thinking. I'd say it's time for another experiment, wouldn't you? So I'm going to start an online dating profile on Match.com or eHarmony.com or I'mDesperate.com or whatever, and I'll periodically document my experiences and evaluations here. 

(What am I getting myself into? Don't ever say I'm not dedicated to the purposes of this blog. Oh my.)

Stay tuned...

Virtual Insanity

A few weeks ago, I met a friend of a friend. This girl was the kind that every woman wants to hate but just can't seem to muster up the jealousy because she's so darn nice. She's also cool, very intelligent and drop-dead gorgeous.

So when she told me that she had met her long-time boyfriend (who also sounds like quite a catch) on the Internet, I was floored. For some reason, I've always believed that online dating either a) doesn't work, or b) works only for weird people. So to hear that it worked for two seemingly not-weird people, and has resulted in a relationship that's lasted for several years? I'm beginning to feel my closed mind open up a bit. I hate when it does that.

I've never participated in online dating myself. A few of my friends have encouraged me to give it a shot, but to me that just means accepting total desperation. Hello, I'm a single white female who can't for the life of me find a guy in the real world, so I'm going to sit in front of a tiny screen and hope THAT does the trick.

I believe that when you find someone it should just happen; you shouldn't go looking for it in such an obvious way... nor fill out an application in order to do so. Plus, I've seen some of my friends go through some crazy online dating disasters. In fact, I might just dedicate one whole post to these disasters, because they're kinda funny. Ahem, I mean, tragic. Totally tragic.

But it did work for my new friend, who is clearly not the desperate type. Maybe I've been wrong about online dating after all. But instead of making up my own mind, I'm going to let you do it for me, in the form of another poll...  Online dating: yay or nay?

Things You Love

Thanks to the whole TWO PEOPLE who participated in my first-ever "contest." I'm glad to know I have such an abundance of participatory readers. But for all I know, these two commenters are the only ones reading this silly blog, so I guess I can't complain.

Whatever the case, they each listed multiple things they love, so it was still a somewhat difficult decision. I had a hard time deciding whether or not to judge based on relatability or creativity. I decided on the former but will still give credit for the latter.

So here are the winners...

3rd place: From lindsay, "Picking/popping anything pickable/popable. Gross, I know." It is gross, Lindsay, but we all agree that this is a disturbingly satisfying activity. I was actually going to put this on my list but I changed my mind because I didn't want to sound disgusting. Thank you for doing the dirty work for me.

2nd place: Again, from lindsay, "Changing into my lounging clothes." This is one of the first things I do when I get home from work. After a long day at the office, it is sooooooo therapeutic.

And the first-place winner is...

From I'm Cas., "I time laundry perfectly and the sheets come out clean, dry and warm right before I need to put sheets on and go to bed." This is so right-on, so something I would do. In fact, I'm really mad at myself for not thinking of it when making my own list. I wish I could crawl into a bed of warm sheets right now, but that would mean doing laundry at 11:23 p.m., which means it'd be 1:00 a.m. before I could even go to bed. And my bed is already mad at me that I'm not in it right now. It's all, "Suck it up, dude, you need me. So you're gonna take me cold or you're not gonna take me at all!" And I'm like "Hey, look, don't yell at me, aiiight? This was all I'm Cas.'s fault for putting such a crazy idea in my head. Maybe if some MORE PEOPLE had participated in my CONTEST, I would be content with my cold sheets, okay?"

Ahem.

I would also like to give I'm Cas. honorable mention for using the phrase "Carbohydrate Wonderland" in one of her other items. Sounds like a place I need to visit.

I should also probably visit my bed before it starts swingin'. Good Night!

Things I Love

My blog posts have been rather intense this week, what with my continuous saga of one failed relationship after another. I think it's time I lighten the mood a little. 

This is a blog about love, right? So I feel it's appropriate that I periodically share things that I, well, love. I'm talking about those little everyday moments when you find yourself saying, "I love it when..." I believe that these moments are some of the best this life has to offer, so I consider it my civil duty to document them. You may not agree with all of my choices, but simma down, you'll get your turn.

Things I Love...

1. Pressing buttons on an elevator. No matter what age I am, it never gets old.

2. When my text message alert goes off. *Bing!* Someone likes me!

3. When my co-workers and I are all slap-happy at the same time. Everyone else may think we're annoying, but we think we're hilarious.

4. The word "pshaw." It's better read than said. Pure literary magic, that word.

5. Looking up my house on Google Earth. It's creepy and awesome all at the same time.

6. When I wake up in the middle of the night and realize I still have several hours left to sleep. What? It's only midnight? Not 6 a.m.? Sweet!!

7. When I can sing (say?) an entire rap song, word for word. It is one of the most fulfilling experiences on earth, is it not? My specialties are: "Everybody Dance Now" by C&C Music Factory, "Knockin' Boots" by Candyman (filthy lyrics, but I know all of them!), and the theme song to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. (I know I'm not alone on that one. Holla!)

That's all I've got for now, but I will make other "Things I Love" lists from time to time. Because I'm sure there are hundreds of things that I love and I don't even know it.

In the meantime, I want to know your "I love it when..." moments! Leave a comment about it, and I will pick my favorite one and feature it on tomorrow's post! I don't have any fancy prizes or anything, but my opinion is prize enough, am I right?

Pshaw.

Recommended reading, and some other bizness

Well, it looks like it's unanimous that sitting on the same side of the booth is a definite NAY. I'm glad to know I'm not alone. But if any of you out there DO like to sit on the same side of the booth as your snoogems, and were too ashamed to admit it, I still love you anyway. I just might think you're a little weird. ;-)

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If you like a good love story, then you must read this real-life account, written by one of my favorite bloggers (The Pioneer Woman), about how she met and married her husband (whom she calls Marlboro Man). To date, she has written 37 continual entries about it, and each one is equally juicy, captivating and addicting. When I read through them I was glued to my computer screen, anxiously awaiting every little detail. It's good. And very funny too. (FYI: When you get to the page, scroll all the way to the bottom to read the first entry, and work your way up. It may take you a few sittings to get through all of it. If you can turn away, that is.)

Also, today begins Week 2 of SME! Which means I can now officially smile at the attractive men I look at. I already did that today, with a guy at the gas station. He smiled back. But that could have been because gas is now only $3.59 instead of $10.59, or whatever price that Ike guy forced upon us.

I begrudgingly admit that SME has already opened my eyes to the idea that there are in fact more potential dating prospects out there than I realized. However, I'm not really taking it too seriously (if you couldn't tell). I'm actually in the mindset that I probably shouldn't be meeting any men right now. But I will save that fascinating psychoanalysis for a future post. 

In the meantime, I have a question. Today I was in a restaurant and I saw a couple sitting on the same side of the booth (leaving the other side empty, ya know?). The idea of sitting this way in a restaurant has always intrigued me because I like to think about exactly how and why it happens. I mean, how was the decision made for them to sit that way? Does one have to invite the other to sit on the same side as them, or is it a given? Is it a one-time thing or do they sit this way in every restaurant?

So anyway, I'm taking a poll: Sitting on the same side of the booth... yay or nay?

The Lover and the Beloved

When I was in my junior year of high school, I discovered something about love that, frankly, I didn't want to know. And to this day I still wish I had never made the discovery.

It happened when I read a book (the name of which is lost on me now). This book tells the fictional story of a man and a woman who live out the roles of the Lover and the Beloved. 

The Lover/Beloved philosophy is a long-time belief (even mentioned in the Bible) that in every romantic relationship, there is one who is loved and one who does the loving. For example, say we have John and Jane Doe. We'll call John the Lover and Jane the Beloved. John, being the awesome Lover he is, eagerly adores Jane. He gives her gifts, compliments, kisses, hugs, anything he can do to show his love for her. Jane, the Beloved, sits back and takes it all in. She is being loved, hence the name Beloved. Jane does show love too—she's not that selfish—but her expression of love is not as urgent nor as frequent as that of the Lover.

This philosophy suggests that in every relationship, there is one whose feelings are stronger than the other's. It says that humans are wired in a way that love cannot be mutual. The philosophy suggests that this is natural, that it is what makes love the way that it is.

But I think that is so unfair. Who wants to be the one who's loved less? 

So now, in every relationship I've been in since the 11th grade (which is basically every relationship I've been in), I've assigned which of us was the Lover and which was the Beloved. The times where I was the Lover, I felt like I was acting desperate—and it kind of hurt my feelings. Why doesn't my Beloved boyfriend like me as much as I like him? What's wrong with me? Oh and FYI, in these relationships, I was always the one who was dumped. 

There have been several times when I was the Beloved though, which is a lot more fun. But it often made me wonder about the Lover on the other side of the relationship. Why is he trying so hard to win my affection? And why am I hardly trying to win his? I must be settling.

See? I am screwed up. But to be clear, this is not something I consciously think about all the time when I'm with someone. It's just an overall observation of this whole stupid philosophy that just happens to be annoyingly true in my experience.

So here's what I want to know from those of you who are in solid, healthy relationships. Is there any truth to this Lover/Beloved thing? And if so, what does that look like in your relationship? Or, do you believe that you and your partner share mutual love? Is it possible to love someone as much as they love you?

Beloved readers, I would Love to hear from you...