L to the B, and an update

Thanks to everyone who commented, either on the blog itself or to me personally, on yesterday's post about the Lover/Beloved debate. It was interesting... all of the married people said pretty much the same thing, that it's a full-circle type of love, a give-and-take, etc. And all of the non-married people who spoke to me about it offline were all, "You're so right about this! There is always one that loves more than the other!"

 

I'm sensing a pattern here. And I can't speak for all of the non-marrieds, but it looks like, in my experience, I simply haven't been in a relationship where the Lover/Beloved business is run like the well-oiled machine it's supposed to be. I just haven't found the right guy yet. I've also learned that when I do find the right one, I need to stop worrying about this stuff and just chillax.

And speaking of finding this so-called One,  I wanted to give a brief update on the Scarcity Myth Experiment  (heretofore known as SME). I was supposed to start the first week of SME (which requires that I look an attractive person in the eye every day) on Monday. It wasn't until about 7pm on Monday night that I realized, uh-oh, I didn't look at anyone today. I had considered leaving the house again, just so I could follow through on my assignment, but what was I gonna do? Walk down the street? Hope that some hot man would come walking in my direction? Doubtful. Sorry, SME, I'll catch ya tomorrow.

Which was today. And I forgot about it again, until I was at the grocery store after work. And even then it was by accident. I was walking down the aisle when I saw a dark figure walking my way. I could see out of the corner of my eye that this figure was looking at me. It wasn't until he passed by me when I realized that the figure was a man. Who looked pretty cute. (As cute as someone can look from the back, anyway.) I know that he had been looking at me but I was so intent on finding the peanut butter that I missed my chance to look at him. In the eye. But not smiling. Because that would be breaking the rules.

So, I guess this little experiment is more difficult than I thought. But I'm going to go to bed early, wake up refreshed, put my game face on, and look at attractive men all over the place tomorrow. I'll be knockin' em dead, left and right, with my looks in the eyes. Just wait and see. 

It's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it.

The Lover and the Beloved

When I was in my junior year of high school, I discovered something about love that, frankly, I didn't want to know. And to this day I still wish I had never made the discovery.

It happened when I read a book (the name of which is lost on me now). This book tells the fictional story of a man and a woman who live out the roles of the Lover and the Beloved. 

The Lover/Beloved philosophy is a long-time belief (even mentioned in the Bible) that in every romantic relationship, there is one who is loved and one who does the loving. For example, say we have John and Jane Doe. We'll call John the Lover and Jane the Beloved. John, being the awesome Lover he is, eagerly adores Jane. He gives her gifts, compliments, kisses, hugs, anything he can do to show his love for her. Jane, the Beloved, sits back and takes it all in. She is being loved, hence the name Beloved. Jane does show love too—she's not that selfish—but her expression of love is not as urgent nor as frequent as that of the Lover.

This philosophy suggests that in every relationship, there is one whose feelings are stronger than the other's. It says that humans are wired in a way that love cannot be mutual. The philosophy suggests that this is natural, that it is what makes love the way that it is.

But I think that is so unfair. Who wants to be the one who's loved less? 

So now, in every relationship I've been in since the 11th grade (which is basically every relationship I've been in), I've assigned which of us was the Lover and which was the Beloved. The times where I was the Lover, I felt like I was acting desperate—and it kind of hurt my feelings. Why doesn't my Beloved boyfriend like me as much as I like him? What's wrong with me? Oh and FYI, in these relationships, I was always the one who was dumped. 

There have been several times when I was the Beloved though, which is a lot more fun. But it often made me wonder about the Lover on the other side of the relationship. Why is he trying so hard to win my affection? And why am I hardly trying to win his? I must be settling.

See? I am screwed up. But to be clear, this is not something I consciously think about all the time when I'm with someone. It's just an overall observation of this whole stupid philosophy that just happens to be annoyingly true in my experience.

So here's what I want to know from those of you who are in solid, healthy relationships. Is there any truth to this Lover/Beloved thing? And if so, what does that look like in your relationship? Or, do you believe that you and your partner share mutual love? Is it possible to love someone as much as they love you?

Beloved readers, I would Love to hear from you...