It happened when I read a book (the name of which is lost on me now). This book tells the fictional story of a man and a woman who live out the roles of the Lover and the Beloved.
The Lover/Beloved philosophy is a long-time belief (even mentioned in the Bible) that in every romantic relationship, there is one who is loved and one who does the loving. For example, say we have John and Jane Doe. We'll call John the Lover and Jane the Beloved. John, being the awesome Lover he is, eagerly adores Jane. He gives her gifts, compliments, kisses, hugs, anything he can do to show his love for her. Jane, the Beloved, sits back and takes it all in. She is being loved, hence the name Beloved. Jane does show love too—she's not that selfish—but her expression of love is not as urgent nor as frequent as that of the Lover.
This philosophy suggests that in every relationship, there is one whose feelings are stronger than the other's. It says that humans are wired in a way that love cannot be mutual. The philosophy suggests that this is natural, that it is what makes love the way that it is.
But I think that is so unfair. Who wants to be the one who's loved less?
So now, in every relationship I've been in since the 11th grade (which is basically every relationship I've been in), I've assigned which of us was the Lover and which was the Beloved. The times where I was the Lover, I felt like I was acting desperate—and it kind of hurt my feelings. Why doesn't my Beloved boyfriend like me as much as I like him? What's wrong with me? Oh and FYI, in these relationships, I was always the one who was dumped.
There have been several times when I was the Beloved though, which is a lot more fun. But it often made me wonder about the Lover on the other side of the relationship. Why is he trying so hard to win my affection? And why am I hardly trying to win his? I must be settling.
See? I am screwed up. But to be clear, this is not something I consciously think about all the time when I'm with someone. It's just an overall observation of this whole stupid philosophy that just happens to be annoyingly true in my experience.
So here's what I want to know from those of you who are in solid, healthy relationships. Is there any truth to this Lover/Beloved thing? And if so, what does that look like in your relationship? Or, do you believe that you and your partner share mutual love? Is it possible to love someone as much as they love you?
Beloved readers, I would Love to hear from you...
5 comments:
I always thought that the concept of lover and beloved, specifically in the Bible, is a two-way thing. The two think of themselves as both.
If you find that you classify your relationships into these as distinct roles and it bothers you, maybe you want the roles to be equal, and there's nothing wrong with demanding that.
From personal experience, I have about zero emotion when I think of any past relationship in which I was the more in the "beloved" role.
— Melissa P
Biblically, the husband and wife are to become one. I always took that as more then just the fleshy sense. So if we are called to become "one" then wouldn't that mean each one of us fulfills the role of both the Lover and the Beloved? Playing around with words like Brangelina and TomKat, I would just think of myself as "Belovered." And honestly, I think in the right relationship you don't even debate which one you are - and if you do, you realize there is no distinction between the two.
To me, it is all compromise...I think both people within the relationship are constantly interchanging between "loved" and "beloved" to fit what the other one needs at that time.
Having been on both sides of the coin in some immature relationships, I do feel that it is possible for a relationship to have a balance of receiving love and giving love. It's only been through 3 years of marriage that I've come to this conclusion, and while it sounds like good news...there are some caveats.
I think it takes time and a lot of it to possibly make this connection and have a give and take relationship. I've found through dating, the sole focus is me. Is this person right for me? Is this person making me happy? How do I feel when I am around this person? I think once your married, your focus shifts, or at least it should. Instead of being an individual trying to find a teammate, your a team trying to find solutions to life's problems. The questions change from is this person right for me, to is this in the best interest of our family? And you realize that whatever affects your husband/wife, regardless of how big or small, affects your family unit.
I am comfortable with my journey through life, so I have no reservations about assigning my wife as the lover and myself as the beloved. It's not that I don't love her, I do very much. There's just always this feeling out process, we've been married 3 years had 2 children together and have grown closer with each passing day. A lot of it is human nature, the fall of man, and our sinful nature to be self-centered.
The hardest part is determining what actions and words are being loving, because everyone interprets words and actions differently. I'm in the learning the process, and I'm starting to get a better grasp on what shows my wife love and what shows her that I'm selfish. If you've never sat down and talked with my wife and I, we are totally 100% polar opposites when it comes to personality. She's very to herself, shy, modest where as I am very talkative, loud, and at times boisterous. I think this makes the precipice even wider, but the more time I spend with her and the more time I see her interact with our children the more I understand her and understand what makes her swoon and what makes her want to throw heavy objects at me.
I guess what it boils down to, is that in the dating process, it would be extremely rare to have two people equally in love with each other. I think love is built up over time, the sharing of experiences good and bad, and taking the time 50 years to learn each other inside and out. I think any expectation other than that isn't realistic and probably hampers more relationships than it helps. I've worn out your comment board now, but that's how I see it.
wow i am really impressed with your writing. now i know why you got good grades!! not sure about these titles cause im not good with assigning names to things. all i know is that we have been married for 42 years and i wouldnt trade any of those days or years for anything. though those really bad struggles and never trade when things are great. we have been best friends and have shared everything. when im mad hes not when hes upset im hopefully not and can be that encourager to him. i just know that our love continues to grow and that the most important thing is that Christ is the head of our home. as long as that is true we can work thru anything no matter who in the loved or beloved.
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