But the real question, I think, should be directed at the men who have dated me. I'm still surprised by guys' reactions when they find out that I'm a single mom. When I first had the baby, I guess I expected that men would run far away from me. And some did, of course, but most didn't. Most guys didn't act phased at all that I had a child. Some even thought it was cool. This was such a relief—and a shock—to me.
But usually, a switch would eventually take place. At first everything would be great, but when they learned the truth of what it really means to date a single mom, all hell would break loose.
It didn't help that I transformed from being a cool commitment-phobe to a clingy husband-hunter. Becoming a mother made me want so much more for my life. I learned how to love another human in a way I had never experienced before. And I wanted to transfer that over to my romantic relationships. I was so intent on having the other necessary component for a happy little nuclear family as I knew it, that it made me over-eager.
Guys aren't all that crazy about the over-eager.
After about three years' worth of rejection and disappointment, I started to get my life together in every other area of my life (i.e. moving up in my career, moving out of my parents' house... you know, independent woman stuff). And in doing so, I finally gained the confidence I had been lacking when I was too busy forcing a cookie-cutter life upon my boyfriends.
It was at this point that I realized I didn't NEED a man, dangit.
And that is precisely when a man showed up.
4 comments:
The thing about young single guys, they want you to think that they are good with kids. Of course, their definition of good with kids means they don't smack them in the back of the head when they spill milk all over the floor. Guys, in general, want to be the cool one when it comes to kids. It's the reason uncles, especially unmarried ones, will buy the kid a Boeing 747 for his birthday.
Don't get me wrong, there are guys that don't like kids, but they are going to be the ones freaked out at the fact that you have one. So they need not apply in this analysis. Young, single, childless guys don't understand the first thing about kids, or what being a positive influence in that kid's life even means. The good news is, the guys that make an effort must really like you, but they are still in for the shock of their lives when they realize what having kids does in your life.
Mothers have a great advantage, by design, in that they know their children and have a connection with them during pregnancy. As a father, especially when they are newborns, there's a little uncomfortableness around your child. Not that you don't love them and you wouldn't fight the world for them, you just don't know how to interact with them and they don't know how to interact with you. I would imagine that feeling is magnified by thousands if the male figure isn't the father. I was the boogieman to my kids until they were 3 months old and they started realizing "hey this guy is around all the time, Mom likes him, he must not be too bad". I think in a situation where there is a single parent, there's some obstacles that wouldn't be there otherwise.
It's an absolute truism that when you are in a relationship with a person, you are in a relationship with everything about them. Their job, their home life, their kids, their parents, and all the unpleasant things as well. Most people don't realize that, or they know it but don't acknowledge it.
Guys are trying to win you....to an extent. News flash, men are immature. There aren't many mature men, there are men that are less immature, they've calmed down aren't nearly as wild. Had you known me 8 years ago, I probably wouldn't have been conversation material, let alone dating or anything beyond that. My point is that it's a matter of timing. 8 years later, I'm at least conversation material to most people...or so I'd like to think. It's not that you haven't met the right guy necessarily, it's that you haven't met him at the right time. Every man comes to a realization, no matter how wild, crazy, whatever. It's the realization that if something doesn't change, they are going to be alone. When that realization finally smacks them in the back of the head, that's where the compromise starts to come in, and selfishness slowly..oh so slowly..starts to melt away. All the sudden, staying in and ordering a pizza with the kids isn't such a big deal, even though he had reservations at a fancy restaurant. Going to dance recitals, little league games, Chuck E. Cheese, Lion King on Ice are a great way to spend time together. To sum it up, a guy has to be ready to become a father or a father figure. He may be a great guy, but until he's ready there is going to be some major head-butting.
Hey matt while comments are I'm sure appreciated why don't you just post a link to your own blog ;)
In Matt's defense, I love comments, no matter how long or short! Keep 'em coming, people! Feedback is my friend.
Have you considered hiding Bella for the first year of the relationship? I mean, send her to some private french school for the first year.
Things will go along great at first, and after about 3 months or so, you can feign pregnancy. (Buy one of those pregnancy lumps they give to husbands of the impregnated) During the pregnancy, always talk about how you feel like you've been pregnant forever, and how it's been so long.
Then, toward the one year mark, try and go into labor while he is out of town. Then, when he gets back, introduce him to his daughter Bella. You can overcome his objections to her age by reminding him about how the pregnancy felt so long. Maybe tell him that sometimes if the pregnancy is too long, the baby will grow at an exponential rate.
I think my theory is sound. Lemme know how it turns out.
Post a Comment