Getting Over It

I received a comment on yesterday's post that raised an interesting topic of discussion for me. The commenter stated that he/she was tired of me unloading my baggage, that I should move on and write instead about my future Romeo. I'm not knocking this person's opinion completely, because I do admit that I tend to be a bit of a Debbie Downer on this blog.

However, I firmly believe that the only way I can look brightly toward my future is if I deal with what has happened in my past. Paris is not someone that I can just forget about at the snap of my fingers. I was fully prepared to marry the man, after all. He was to be my husband. So the damage that was done had way more of an impact on me than it would have had he been just another jerk boyfriend.

After I broke off my engagement, I began to look at every single relationship around me and doom it to failure. I questioned whether or not people were really happy or if they were hiding behind a front like I had been. When I'd hear that a couple had gotten engaged, I assumed that one or both of them wanted to get out of it. These are not healthy perceptions! And I knew that if I continued thinking that way, then I would never find the nurturing, fulfilling kind of love I've always wanted. And that is why I decided to start writing about it.

I've only had this blog for a few weeks, and already I have grown leaps and bounds in my attitude about love. It's been as therapeutic as professional counseling—and a lot less expensive. Plus, having an audience to cheer me on is an added bonus! 

Writing about my past has brought to the surface some of the vital details I had buried. It's also forced me to really evaluate some of the mistakes I've made. In turn, I am now able to sift through my past, take only the nuggets that will enrich my future, and leave the rest behind. 

And that is where Debbie Downer exits and Suzy Sunshine enters. True love and peace will be in my future, I can feel it. In the meantime, I thank you all for reading my heart on a page. It's helped me more than you know.

A Day with the 'Rents

This weekend, my mom and dad came over to my house. The cool thing about my parents is, even though they're divorced, they're still friends with each other. The whole family still gets together often, and every time, Mom and Dad are perfectly respectful of each other and act as if they might even enjoy each other's company. While I'm sad that they are no longer married, I am so grateful that they have made the best of the situation. It would be easy for them to hold grudges, but instead they have practiced maturity and forgiveness. I really admire both of them for that.

On Saturday, Mom and Dad helped me put up all of my wall hangings. I recently moved to a new place and I hadn't yet decorated it, so on this day we practiced teamwork to get the place looking nice and cozy.

And the whole time, I felt guilty. I figured this activity could not possibly be enjoyable for them and surely they had better things to do. But here they were, helping me for the millionth time in my life. Why couldn't I just hang the stupid things myself? Why am I, in my late twenties, still eagerly accepting my parents' help?

But when it appeared our job was finished, and I told Mom that there was nothing else to hang, she said, "Darn! This is fun!" I laughed, first of all because my mother said the word "darn," and also because all that time I was feeling guilty, and they were actually having fun!

Later I was in my room and I heard my parents fussing with one of my windows, which was having difficulty closing. They were intent on fixing it, and they worked together—pushing and pulling on the window—to make it happen. 

And I started to cry.

Here were my divorced parents, putting aside their differences to help make my home as livable as it could be. They were doing physical labor, essentially, even after their original task was done, all to ensure that their little girl was safe and warm and happy. In my mind, they would be much better off doing anything else, but in their minds, hanging my pictures and fixing my windows was exactly what they wanted to do.

I couldn't imagine loving someone so much. It may sound like no big deal but in that moment it meant everything to me. On that day, like so many other days, my parents gave me a glimpse of what sacrificial love is supposed to look like. They put aside their own interests and time schedules, because to them, helping me was far more important than their own interests and time schedules. 

I don't think I've ever been that selfless. 

And it was then that I realized that this is love in its purest form... complete and utter selflessness. I also realized that this is what has been missing from almost every relationship I've ever been in. I've always been a receiver, and not enough of a giver. So that day, standing in my room, I made a silent promise to myself that I would strive to express sacrificial love, not only in my next romantic relationship, but also with my family and my friends and of course my darling little Julietta. And it is my hope that, like my parents, I will enjoy every minute of it.

My Hero & Heroine: Jamie and Kathy

Ever since my parents threw me for a loop with their divorce, I long to talk to couples who seem to have a strong, happy marriage. And when I get this opportunity, I ask a lot of questions—every time holding my breath in hopes that my perception about them is, in fact, the reality. After all, for twenty-plus years I had thought that my parents had a good marriage, but I was wrong about that. And now I have this fear that my "radar" is off, which brings all kinds of paranoia and insecurity about the covenant of marriage. But by talking to so many couples, I've been pleasantly surprised by the number of good marriages that are out there.

So I decided to ask my questions in a public format, on this blog. It is my hope that everyone can garner some affirmation from these amazing couples like I have. We shall see.  

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My first Hero & Heroine couple is Kathy and Jamie (James), who I've known for five years. Kathy is one of my dearest friends and mentors, and if I were Jamie, I would have married her too. She is THAT AWESOME. Jamie is just chill. Laid back and always smiling but will fight tooth and nail to protect his wife and family. K&J have two kids, ages 13 and 15, who are involved in just about every extracurricular activity imaginable. There is a lot of running to and fro and juggling of everyone's schedules. And yet, Kathy and Jamie are close as ever. They call each other often throughout the day, he sends her flowers just because, they laugh a lot, and they've been going strong for 19 years.

But they can tell their story better than I can, so here you go.

When and how did you meet?
Kathy: We were both in the same chemistry research group in graduate school at the University of Iowa.

How was this relationship (pre-marriage) different from the ones that came before it?
Jamie: This question is impossible to answer in this format. It would take an epic novel. 

Kathy: We were “just friends” for about 6 months before we started officially dating. But it was the extreme—and totally unexpected—“chemistry” that finally got the best of us! I think that the “friendship + chemistry” was a new equation for us both.

How did you know you wanted to marry each other?
J: I knew right away. I had a feeling of destiny fulfillment.
K: I think that from the time we started dating, it was just inevitable. We were very compatible people in a very passionate relationship; we were both ready to commit, and I don’t think we could imagine a future scenario where we weren’t together. It was just a natural evolution of our relationship.

What was your toughest year and why?
K: We have been very blessed in our lives together, but the hardest time was probably the first year of being parents. We had just moved to a new city, got very little sleep, didn’t have a lot of money, and didn’t have any family close enough to help us out.

How did you get through that difficult time?
K: We didn’t turn on each other, we turned to each other. And I think our relationship got stronger, because we gained a new respect for each other’s strength and ability to handle stress. We saw a whole new side of each other. And, of course, we had a lot of pride in our children, which made it all worth it.

How do you handle conflict with each other?
J: We rarely have any conflicts.
K: We don’t really “fight,” because I can’t get angry without crying, so I’m pretty sure that he just puts up with all of my crap and that’s that. It’s possible that it’s not the healthiest way to deal with issues . . . but it sure works for me!

In what ways has your relationship improved over the years?
K: I think that as we get older, we have more perspective and wisdom than we did when we were younger, so we don’t seem to stress as much about things over which we have no control, like social and family issues. We’re more confident as individuals, so our time together is more serene and focused.

With your busy schedules, how do you fit in Kathy-and-Jamie time?
K: Frankly, for the most part, we don’t. I’ve heard all the “relationship advice” about going on dates once a week, but it doesn’t happen. When the kids were little, we rarely had any opportunities to “get away,” and now that they’re old enough to leave alone, we don’t really feel the need to “get away.” We kinda like hanging out with them, and I don’t think we’ll regret all the time we’ve spent together as a family. We know that these days will be gone in the blink of an eye. Going to church is like a date for us, because we actually sit in close proximity to each other for a whole hour at a time! It’s almost embarrassing sometimes…

J: Sometimes it seems that our time is only a shared smile from afar but that's enough to keep me going.

How do you think your relationship might change when the kids leave the house?
J: I am looking forward to those days when we can just do things together spontaneously without worrying about the activity schedule.

Which celebrity couple do you resemble most?
K: Don’t laugh, but I’d have to say Morticia and Gomez Addams from the Addams Family movies... very passionate and playful.

Do you have any advice for young married couples (or soon-to-be-married couples)?
J: Be patient. When you find the right person you will know it. It's definitely worth the wait.
K: Remember to always treat each other with the respect and tolerance that you would give a best friend. Accordingly, don’t have irrational expectations of perfection—because you don’t want the same to be expected of you! Just have fun and love each other. Life goes by too quickly to be miserable.

Thank you, K&J, for sharing your real-life recipe for a successful marriage that has been such a blessing for me to witness. I love you crazy kids. And hey... no hanky panky in those church pews, alright?  

-JS

The Hollywoodization of America

I just started attending a new church, and funny enough, the past two sermons have been about marriage. I've discussed before my cynicism about marriage. So to hear that it can not only work, but also be this beautiful, fruitful, peaceful thing... well, let's just say I'm beginning to warm up to the idea again.

There are three specific details mentioned in these sermons that completely shook the core of my previous conceptions about marriage. No matter what your spiritual beliefs are, I'm confident you can learn from them as well. I will be paraphrasing the words of Gary Thomas and Bob Bouwer, respectively, who gave the sermons. Of course, they tell it much better than I do, so if you'd like to download the podcasts, you can do so here.

Check this out...

1) Gary Thomas says that the idea of "falling in love" with someone before marrying them, didn't even exist until about the 1400s. The concept of romantic love was later perpetuated by the romantic poets like Shakespeare, and of course now is all over the place in today's American culture. But for thousands of years, before the 1400s, people married solely out of natural necessity rather than love. This puts into perspective the way our selection process has drastically changed, and makes the idea of marrying simply for romantic love, seem kind of silly.

2) Similarly, according to Bob Bouwer, there was a recent study done on Christian marriages in the U.S. versus India. In all of the American marriages studied, the couples had gone through the process of dating, falling in love and then choosing to get married. The Indian marriages, however, were all pre-arranged. There was no dating or courting; some of them didn't even meet until their wedding day. And according to this study, 41% of American Christian marriages end in divorce. The Indian marriages? Less than 2%. Unbelievable. This goes to show that our reasons for marrying may be just a tad off base. Bouwer put it this way: "The commitment should always come first. Then the love."

3) You know those big swooping feelings you get when you first fall in love with someone? How you think about them constantly and you get butterflies in your stomach and all that jazz? Well, according to Gary Thomas, it is a proven, scientific, biological fact that those feelings inevitably go away after only 12 to 18 months. So that means, if you're choosing or have chosen to marry someone because you've never felt that way about anyone in your whole life, then you will surely be disappointed when, after a couple of years, that feeling disappears. Thomas's point is that our culture's expectations are out of whack. We focus too much on looking for that perfect someone who will sweep us off of our feet, when the reality is, that person will only end up falling off of the superficial pedestal we have placed them on.

What's refreshing about knowing these facts is that it shifts our lofty ideas of what marriage should be. I think we have been so Hollywood-ized, brainwashed to believe in soulmates and love at first sight. So sometimes, when reality turns out to be anything less than that perfect picture, we think we've made a mistake. Like we've chosen the wrong mate and therefore need to find the right one. And the downward spiral begins.

I know not every marriage is like this. I personally know many married couples who have not fallen into this spiral, because they understand the idea of commitment-over-love. I want to congratulate these couples, and also emulate them. So beginning this week, I am going to highlight some of the strongest married couples I know. They will be sharing how they found each other, and how they stick together even during life's most unstickable moments. I think everyone—married or not—will have a lot to learn from these amazing people. So stay tuned!

The Forrest Gump in me

But then, there are opportunities for healing everywhere, even in your own back yard.

I had the day off of work today and the weather this morning was glorious. There's a bike/jogging trail near my house and I'd never really used it, so I figured today was the day to check it out. 

The trail winds through the whole town, kind of on the outskirts, but in the midst of trees and streams. It's a really cool asset for a town to have. Once I stepped onto the trail, I started running. And then I started smiling.

The sky was a bright blue. The leaves on the trees towering above me pierced the sky's blue in sharp contrast. The wind blew lightly against my face, in a way that made me feel like some sort of aerodynamic machine.

I couldn't get enough of this trail, this beautiful nature surrounding me. I ran farther and longer than I ever have in my life. And that's huge for me. (When I was in 7th grade, I had a crush on the star of the track team. To be closer to him, I joined the team, even though I NEARLY HYPERVENTILATED every time I ran around the track. And guess what happened? About two weeks after I joined, I overheard the handsome track star telling one of his buddies that I "look funny" when I run. The love of my life, the one for whom I suffered physical pain, was now making fun of me for the very thing I thought would draw him to me. I've had a grudge against running ever since.)

This time, though, it didn't hurt. This time, my feet were moving in the same synchronized pattern that my breath was flowing. I was in a continuous state of moving forward, leaving behind me the disappointment of my parents' divorce, the heartbreak of past relationships, the fear of the future. And of course I pounded the ground a little harder when I pictured the face of that stupid seventh-grade track star boy. Ha. Look who's laughing now.

Every once in a while another jogger/biker/walker would pass by me, and we would greet each other with a nod, a smile or a simple hello. We all had this unspoken sense of kinship, brought together by something we had in common. It's like what we were really saying to each other was, "Hello, friend. I'm glad to see that you're making your life better today. I know it's challenging, but you'll get through it. We're all in this together."

It was in the middle of the run that I recognized the power of self-discipline, and how I needed to apply it to every area of my life. That, and the concept of leaving behind that which drags me down, and moving toward that which makes me new and improved.

After I crossed my self-appointed finish line (which, for drama's sake, was preceded by the only uphill slope on the trail), I smiled, said a prayer of thanks... and walked it out.