My Hero & Heroine: Jamie and Kathy

Ever since my parents threw me for a loop with their divorce, I long to talk to couples who seem to have a strong, happy marriage. And when I get this opportunity, I ask a lot of questions—every time holding my breath in hopes that my perception about them is, in fact, the reality. After all, for twenty-plus years I had thought that my parents had a good marriage, but I was wrong about that. And now I have this fear that my "radar" is off, which brings all kinds of paranoia and insecurity about the covenant of marriage. But by talking to so many couples, I've been pleasantly surprised by the number of good marriages that are out there.

So I decided to ask my questions in a public format, on this blog. It is my hope that everyone can garner some affirmation from these amazing couples like I have. We shall see.  

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My first Hero & Heroine couple is Kathy and Jamie (James), who I've known for five years. Kathy is one of my dearest friends and mentors, and if I were Jamie, I would have married her too. She is THAT AWESOME. Jamie is just chill. Laid back and always smiling but will fight tooth and nail to protect his wife and family. K&J have two kids, ages 13 and 15, who are involved in just about every extracurricular activity imaginable. There is a lot of running to and fro and juggling of everyone's schedules. And yet, Kathy and Jamie are close as ever. They call each other often throughout the day, he sends her flowers just because, they laugh a lot, and they've been going strong for 19 years.

But they can tell their story better than I can, so here you go.

When and how did you meet?
Kathy: We were both in the same chemistry research group in graduate school at the University of Iowa.

How was this relationship (pre-marriage) different from the ones that came before it?
Jamie: This question is impossible to answer in this format. It would take an epic novel. 

Kathy: We were “just friends” for about 6 months before we started officially dating. But it was the extreme—and totally unexpected—“chemistry” that finally got the best of us! I think that the “friendship + chemistry” was a new equation for us both.

How did you know you wanted to marry each other?
J: I knew right away. I had a feeling of destiny fulfillment.
K: I think that from the time we started dating, it was just inevitable. We were very compatible people in a very passionate relationship; we were both ready to commit, and I don’t think we could imagine a future scenario where we weren’t together. It was just a natural evolution of our relationship.

What was your toughest year and why?
K: We have been very blessed in our lives together, but the hardest time was probably the first year of being parents. We had just moved to a new city, got very little sleep, didn’t have a lot of money, and didn’t have any family close enough to help us out.

How did you get through that difficult time?
K: We didn’t turn on each other, we turned to each other. And I think our relationship got stronger, because we gained a new respect for each other’s strength and ability to handle stress. We saw a whole new side of each other. And, of course, we had a lot of pride in our children, which made it all worth it.

How do you handle conflict with each other?
J: We rarely have any conflicts.
K: We don’t really “fight,” because I can’t get angry without crying, so I’m pretty sure that he just puts up with all of my crap and that’s that. It’s possible that it’s not the healthiest way to deal with issues . . . but it sure works for me!

In what ways has your relationship improved over the years?
K: I think that as we get older, we have more perspective and wisdom than we did when we were younger, so we don’t seem to stress as much about things over which we have no control, like social and family issues. We’re more confident as individuals, so our time together is more serene and focused.

With your busy schedules, how do you fit in Kathy-and-Jamie time?
K: Frankly, for the most part, we don’t. I’ve heard all the “relationship advice” about going on dates once a week, but it doesn’t happen. When the kids were little, we rarely had any opportunities to “get away,” and now that they’re old enough to leave alone, we don’t really feel the need to “get away.” We kinda like hanging out with them, and I don’t think we’ll regret all the time we’ve spent together as a family. We know that these days will be gone in the blink of an eye. Going to church is like a date for us, because we actually sit in close proximity to each other for a whole hour at a time! It’s almost embarrassing sometimes…

J: Sometimes it seems that our time is only a shared smile from afar but that's enough to keep me going.

How do you think your relationship might change when the kids leave the house?
J: I am looking forward to those days when we can just do things together spontaneously without worrying about the activity schedule.

Which celebrity couple do you resemble most?
K: Don’t laugh, but I’d have to say Morticia and Gomez Addams from the Addams Family movies... very passionate and playful.

Do you have any advice for young married couples (or soon-to-be-married couples)?
J: Be patient. When you find the right person you will know it. It's definitely worth the wait.
K: Remember to always treat each other with the respect and tolerance that you would give a best friend. Accordingly, don’t have irrational expectations of perfection—because you don’t want the same to be expected of you! Just have fun and love each other. Life goes by too quickly to be miserable.

Thank you, K&J, for sharing your real-life recipe for a successful marriage that has been such a blessing for me to witness. I love you crazy kids. And hey... no hanky panky in those church pews, alright?  

-JS