It's like when I was 15 years old and I worked at Dairy Queen. I'm pretty sure I was the worst Dairy Queen employee on earth. I could not make those bumps in the ice cream that are, like, DQ's trademark. And the little curly-cue on the top? Forget about it. Every time I made a cone or a sundae, it would come out lopsided, with one big blob on the top. After awhile, my boss and co-workers gave up on trying to teach me the right way to shape the ice cream, and instead they shoved me off to Blizzard duty. After all, Blizzards were supposed to be messy.
I like to think that my inability to form foods to their appointed molds translates to how I view life. That may seem like a stretch, but hear me out...
I don't see life in black and white. There are some things that are crystal clear to me, of course. But when it comes to people, and especially when it comes to relationships (romantic or otherwise), there is no black and white. I believe that, like Blizzards, people are just supposed to be messy.
When I was with Paris, this concept was—in my opinion—the root of our problem. He was cut-and-dry, yes-or-no, black-and-white, while I was all willy nilly and preferred the color gray. He believed that people make mistakes and there are clearly defined reasons for those mistakes and the person must be held accountable to their actions. Whereas I believed that there are millions of tiny (and some not-so-tiny) complexities that lead up to the mistakes that a person makes. I was a little too forgiving, and Paris wasn't forgiving at all. Which resulted in a vicious cycle that never saw resolution.
In my next relationship, my goal is to find a healthy middle ground. I have to develop a thicker skin so that, if my mate gets angry with me for a justifiable reason, I will take responsibility for my actions. But I also hope that he gets angry with me only for justifiable reasons, and will let me off the hook for some of the other stupid things I do or have done in my past. I have hope that this kind of balance is achievable.
Now the potatoes and ice cream cones? No hope there. I am and always will be incurably messy.
10 comments:
As you know, I am a "black and white" person, married to a very, very "gray" person...with us, it actually balances out somehow. "Gray" people tend to be more forgiving, easy going, happy people. Maybe in most relationships there is one "black and white" and one "gray" person?
Being gray or black-and-white isn't the point. Being understanding, and meeting in the middle is. Extremism to either side results in apathy or elitism. In less flowery language, you either are never pleased, or you don't really care to be pleased.
Lindsay, you saying that your husband is very, very "gray", tells me that you don't really think it's okay. Part of you wishes that he was less "gray". You need to let go and love him 100% for who he is, and not for who you wish he was.
You said, “Which resulted in a vicious cycle that never saw resolution.”
Was there any resolve between you and Paris when you stepped out of the cycle after the breakup?
I have seen individuals and some couples get back together prepared for the best relationship only after experiencing a hard breakup. I think that the hard breakup experience can sometimes be the greatest teacher in relationships. Maybe the last relationship has prepared you for the next.
Matt
Erin’s husband I agree with you to an extent. But how do you know where Lindsey’s heart is? I think the differences can be healthy in a relationship - so long as their equally understanding and ultimately for each other that no difference can divide. By your remark, I think that you might be “the extreme” that you were talking about to be so audacious to presume that Lindsey doesn’t already love her husband a 1OO%.
Wow...I had no idea that recoginizing how my husband and I are different would create such a conversation. Clearly, I see it as a good thing or I wouldn't have noted the positives of "gray" people....again...."Gray" people tend to be more forgiving, easy going, happy people." Erin's husband....that doesn't seem like something I am looking to change or as you said, "Part of you wishes that he was less "gray". You need to let go and love him 100% for who he is, and not for who you wish he was."
Dearest anonymous. You spelled lindsay's name wrong. 'so long' should be 'as long.' You used the wrong their, should be they are. You're third sentence is a run-on, consider shortening it or splitting it into two thoughts. Your last sentence is poorly formed and needs a comma or two.
As to your point, calling me audacious and extreme is just silly. I am neither of those things. Of course, being a black and white person yourself, you can only make poor assumptions and project your ideals on to others.
Now that was audacious.
Erin’s husband I am not white, black, or gray. I consider myself to be “mellow-yellow”. But thanks for pretending to act like you know me. If anyone, you seem to be the black and white prototype for being so judgmental. It’s okay though, I can see you’re true colors here, and you’ll be alright even if you are pink.
Matt
Alright kids, no more fighting.
I think the fact that this discussion has raised such a ruckus is proof that there is no right or wrong answer to certain things.
No one knows the full story of what's going on in the privacy of another couple's home. It's so easy to put labels on people. I do it all the time. But none of us has the right to judge other random people that we may or may not know, on a website no less.
So, can we all be friends now please? :-)
Love you all! -JS
Yeah, you're right Juliet. Sorry Matt and Lindsay. Sorry for judging you, and arguing. Internet arguments are all very petty. I'm done doing that here.
I am in a Bible Study with a woman who is a psychologist and she has a need to analyze people in the bible. Kind of silly huh? I see that another person on this blog has that need too. I have found that when I am so sure about something, like the way that someone else thinks or feels, most times I am totally wrong. FYI- I got out the dictionary so that my spelling would not be graded. LOL
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