We were having a good couple of weeks, Paris and I. Our fighting had diminished, and he romanced me in a way that almost made me forget about all of our previous battles. So when he proposed, I eagerly said yes. In the midst of the celebration, Paris and I exchanged an emotional pact that we would put the hard times behind us and let goodness prevail.
Not three days later, the goodness was gone.
Several people told me that the engagement period can be "challenging." I think those people were referring to the struggles couples face when they want different things for their wedding, or they can't decide on a place to live, or even serious things like how to raise children. I'm sure they weren't talking about full-out character defamation, which was the "challenging" issue I was facing. At first, I desperately transferred my friends' everybody-goes-through-it advice to my own tumultuous relationship with Paris. I repeatedly told myself that this is normal, just a bump in the road—the same things I had been telling myself for the majority of our relationship.
I prefer to keep the specific details private, but I do have a little something to say...
I think that we too often dispense and receive advice that no one's perfect, every couple has problems, don't expect too much of your mate. And I agree with all of these things. I've said them myself. However, if you are in a relationship that makes you ashamed to look at yourself, that makes you cry multiple times a day, where the problems never go away but only build with momentum... a relationship in which the picture of your future is one where you are literally and figuratively silent and huddled up in the corner... GET OUT OF IT. Don't keep making the no one's perfect excuse, don't tell yourself that every couple has problems, don't give him or her the benefit of the doubt.
Just get out.
I came to that realization pretty late in my relationship with Paris, but not too late. About three weeks into the engagement, I finally came to my senses that this could be dangerous business here. Yet I had so brainwashed myself into believing that maybe it wasn't as big of a deal as I thought, that maybe I was just being a drama queen. In turn, indecisiveness nagged at me like a disapproving mother.
So I asked God for a sign. Now, I don't normally do that. I think asking God for "a sign" is trite, selfish, and it belittles what God is truly capable of. However, in this case, I got on my knees in complete despair, because I did not know What. To. Do. Essentially, by asking God for a sign I really was asking for help.
And one night, my sign came, clear as crystal. And along with it came an almost apathetic confidence that pushed my indecisiveness aside so that I could DO THIS.
So, in the middle of the night, I scooped up Julietta, and we fled far, far away from Paris.
8 comments:
I stumbled over your blog and I luv it! But please tell me you’re done unpacking the baggage, because I think you should be done with it, and I want to hear more about LOVE! And who gives a fuck about Paris if you’re already done with him? I think you should talk more about your excitement for Romeo!
I disagree, Austria! It's better to be patient and unpack all of that baggage carefully than to settle into the same habits and behaviors with someone else. Personally, I'm fascinated by the journey that Juliet has taken, and I think that the insight and wisdom that she has acquired can be a great inspiration to anyone who is looking for their Romeo! "Love" isn't just about moonlight and romance; it requires maturity and open eyes.
I love cliff hanger stories... your story is great!
Obviously writing about it helps sort through feelings!
Good for you. My ex-girlfriend got married despite some warning signs and ended up truly regretting it. Her ex-husband was coarse and verbally abusive, we never talked much after we broke up. So you can imagine my shock the night she got a hold of me to let me know that the verbal abuse had turned physical, she was on her way from the Emergency Room after getting her face stitched up.
I didn't have a real friendship or any real cordial relationship with her at the time, but I think anybody would have given her the advice to get out of that situation. She was so brainwashed at the time, that she was determined to stay with him and that it was a situation she had helped escalate by arguing with him, which is total bull.
Regardless, after a week of totally ignoring my advice, I called her mom and told her what had happened. Her mom went down there and forcibly removed her from that situation, whether that's the right move or not, I couldn't let someone I didn't know get beat up by her husband, let alone someone I had a romantic relationship with at a point in my life.
She's divorced now, getting remarried, hopefully having learned from her mistakes and make some important judgments of the character of her new fiance. The divorce process was a mess, as most of them are. You mentioned your parents recently divorced, my parents divorced after 26 years about a year ago, and in most cases it's not a whole lot of fun. It's much easier to break-off an engagement than it is to get a divorce. If there are concerns about the relationship, it's even easier to push the wedding back 3 months, a year, whatever it takes to make sure that you are making the correct decision.
Praying about it is always a good thing to do. One of things my wife and I did, we prayed about our relationship together. It's one of the hardest things to ask God to show you if you aren't meant to be together. We loved each other and thought we were ready to get married, but we needed that confirmation. We had a year and a half long engagement, so we had sometime to ponder, pray, and re-evaluate. Kudos to you though for putting the infatuation aside, thinking about your situation realistically and making the best decision for you and your daughter. Common sense should always triumph over feelings of infatuation, because guess what that feeling of infatuation and the butterflies you get when you are around that person, goes away. Not that you love the person less, but most people don't feel like that forever. So if you base your decisions on a fleeting moment of joy, once that feeling is gone you find a lot of things out.
Matt,
Blah, Blah, Blah....I can hardly read thru to the end.
I am surprised that a married man has so much to say on a single woman's blog page.
Sorry, that is just my opinion.
Matt,
I like hearing your take on all this.
Juliet,
Unpack as much as you need to. You bring up excellent points that I think everyone should consider, regardless of if they're in love, looking for love, hurting from love, etc., etc., etc.
I was thinking about this whole discussion, but never commented on it.
I think it's good to unpack your baggage, especially because you seem to have a clear idea about the things that affect the way you view love and relationships. You also admit your mistakes and seem to learn from them (which is something I can't quite do yet. I mean, I know I do things wrong, but what exactly?).
Unpacking your baggage helps you to put those issues aside and focus on what love should be, I think anyway.
Also, I think you do some of your best writing in your unpacking baggage narratives.
Finally, don't forget: while this is a public blog and you want everyone's opinion, it's still yours.
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