My Hero & Heroine: Renald & Rinny

My pick for this month's Hero & Heroine are two of my best friends, who have chosen to go by the names Renald (the husband) and Rinny (the wife. Obvi.). They've been married for two years, but they've lived through what feels like 30 years of hardship. Rinny's mother has had cancer on and off for two years, and Renald's father died of cancer 1-1/2 years ago. They've also endured their own medical issues, financial difficulties, and other family woes that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Yet, somehow, their marriage has remained a solid pillar of strength throughout all of it. Renald and Rinny also treat each other with more respect than most married couples I know.

Both Renald and Rinny are fun, creative, goofy, and just a blast to be around. My humble adimiration for them—as individuals and as a couple—never ceases. And that is why they are and will always be my hero and heroine...

1. When and how did you meet?
Renald: We met at church. I had seen her a few times, and really thought she was beautiful. We were both known as creative people, so we were asked to create a video for the group we were in. Little did we know that it was a setup. The video took longer than it should have because we spent a lot of time talking. I asked her out after the first video session.
Rinny: It was a setup but not "the almighty setup." Our friends were quite stealthy about it. They used compliments to trick us: "You know how you two are both so creative? Why don't you work on this project together?" The first night we "worked" together we got nothing accomplished because we were more focused on getting to know each other.

2. How was this relationship (pre-marriage) different from the ones that came before it?
Renald: Most of my relationships were shallow before her. I really never felt loved, and was resigned to chasing girls, hoping that I could trick one into dating me. It was sad. I really feel like a lucky man to have Rinny's love. She is amazing.
Rinny: It was unlike anything I had experienced before. There was so much love and fun and respect. Even my family and friends noticed a change in me.

3. How did you know you wanted to marry each other?
Renald: After our first date, we drove back to her house and talked until after midnight. I drove home on cloud nine. My sister asked me the next day about how my date went, and after telling her about it, I knew that I would marry her.
Rinny: It's funny because after our first date, he didn't kiss me goodnight. Well he kissed my hand... so I thought, "Wow. After talking for hours and hours he must still not be that into me." I even told my mom I thought we would just be friends. But by the end of that week I just knew that he was "IT." Yes, it was soon, but before that, marriage had always scared me. Like once it happened life was over. With him I just felt like marrying him would be the beginning of something incredible, and it has been.

4. You've been through a lot of hardship. How does your marriage survive?
Renald: I honestly don't think I would have survived it without her. She's my rock. She's stood by me through my depression and lethargy. She's put up with my work antics. She's supported me when I was a poor excuse for a husband. Without her, I would have given up long ago.
Rinny: Most people say the honeymoon period is the best time. In our situation things have been anything but sunshine and rainbows. We have faced a lot of tragedies in the last 2 years. I think that when one of us is weak, the other is strong. We support each other in that way. Also we laugh a lot! I know people say cancer isn't funny, but you have to make it funny or life is just a drag!

5. How do you handle conflict with each other?
Renald: We are both very forgiving people. Sometimes too forgiving, and then it boils to a head. We've had our fair share of arguments, but there is one important thing. We agreed early on to never yell, and never call each other foul names. That has made a huge difference even when angry. It feels safer to be upset.
Rinny: Well, we don't have a ton of conflict, which can be a double-edged sword. When we do, we are patient with each other. No name-calling or yelling. It breaks our hearts to see other couples disrespect each other.

6. In what ways has your relationship improved since your wedding day?
Renald: We've learned so much about each other since being married. Living with someone is a crazy situation. You learn to bend and adapt. You learn how to provide for the other's needs even when you're tired from a long day. We aren't perfect at it, but we're getting better all the time.
Rinny: I didn't think it was possible, but I love him more and more all the time. We were together for almost 4 years before we married, so you would think we knew each other pretty well, but living with someone changes everything. It's hard work but fun.

7. Do you still go out on dates? If not, how do you manage to spend quality time together?
Renald: We don't "date" as often as we used to. We're focused right now on getting out of debt. So, we've cut our spending money way down. We talk when we are together. We share stories about our days. We text each other throughout the day. Keeping in touch is crucial.
Rinny: Ha! Dates! I know everything I read says we should have date night but it's just not feasible right now. We've cut our spending to try and get out of debt. Not to mention our lives are so hectic that sitting on the couch talking is about all we have energy for. Sometimes I feel like we haven't really sat down to talk in days. That's when we make a point to have some solid face-to-face time.

[Note from Juliet: You can still go on dates without spending any money. Go to a museum or go ice skating, something sweet and pure (and FREE!) like that. I'd like to challenge you (and other couples reading this) to think of creative ways to go on dates without spending a dime. Then tell me about it!]

8. What's your favorite thing about your spouse?
Renald: My favorite thing about Rinny is when we are running around the house being goofy and laughing. We like to make up songs about our animals and each other. I love making Rinny smile. It's entrancing and infectious. She's incredible.
Rinny: His ability to make my darkest moments better. When people meet us they often ask, "Do you just laugh together all the time?" We do. Our day-to-day interactions are hilarious. At least in our opinion.

9. Which fictional TV/movie couple do you resemble most?
Renald: I would have to say Monica and Chandler [from the TV show Friends] to a degree, but Rinny is more like Rachel. So, if Rachel and Chandler ever got together, that'd be us.
Rinny: I would say Lily and Marshall from How I Met your Mother. They are sickeningly sweet but also hilarious.

10. Do you have any advice for young married couples (or soon-to-be-married couples)?
Renald: YES!!! Don't get married too soon. Work through all of the relationship garbage when you can still get time apart. Also, you aren't as important as you think you are, and most of the time your opinion doesn't really matter. Spend each day doing your best to make the other person happy, and your happiness will come right along with that.
Rinny: Ladies, don't emasculate your husband in front of other people (or ever). It's not cute or funny, and if you start early you'll do it forever. Or he'll get tired of it and you will become a statistic. Above all else, respect each other, love each other, take care of each other. Marriage is a give-and-take process.


Thank you, R&R, for your fresh perspective on how to keep a marriage... well... fresh! You are proof that love can truly outlast a storm. And I'm still praying that your storm will soon clear up so the sun can finally shine again. Love you! -JS

My Hero & Heroine: Jamie and Kathy

Ever since my parents threw me for a loop with their divorce, I long to talk to couples who seem to have a strong, happy marriage. And when I get this opportunity, I ask a lot of questions—every time holding my breath in hopes that my perception about them is, in fact, the reality. After all, for twenty-plus years I had thought that my parents had a good marriage, but I was wrong about that. And now I have this fear that my "radar" is off, which brings all kinds of paranoia and insecurity about the covenant of marriage. But by talking to so many couples, I've been pleasantly surprised by the number of good marriages that are out there.

So I decided to ask my questions in a public format, on this blog. It is my hope that everyone can garner some affirmation from these amazing couples like I have. We shall see.  

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My first Hero & Heroine couple is Kathy and Jamie (James), who I've known for five years. Kathy is one of my dearest friends and mentors, and if I were Jamie, I would have married her too. She is THAT AWESOME. Jamie is just chill. Laid back and always smiling but will fight tooth and nail to protect his wife and family. K&J have two kids, ages 13 and 15, who are involved in just about every extracurricular activity imaginable. There is a lot of running to and fro and juggling of everyone's schedules. And yet, Kathy and Jamie are close as ever. They call each other often throughout the day, he sends her flowers just because, they laugh a lot, and they've been going strong for 19 years.

But they can tell their story better than I can, so here you go.

When and how did you meet?
Kathy: We were both in the same chemistry research group in graduate school at the University of Iowa.

How was this relationship (pre-marriage) different from the ones that came before it?
Jamie: This question is impossible to answer in this format. It would take an epic novel. 

Kathy: We were “just friends” for about 6 months before we started officially dating. But it was the extreme—and totally unexpected—“chemistry” that finally got the best of us! I think that the “friendship + chemistry” was a new equation for us both.

How did you know you wanted to marry each other?
J: I knew right away. I had a feeling of destiny fulfillment.
K: I think that from the time we started dating, it was just inevitable. We were very compatible people in a very passionate relationship; we were both ready to commit, and I don’t think we could imagine a future scenario where we weren’t together. It was just a natural evolution of our relationship.

What was your toughest year and why?
K: We have been very blessed in our lives together, but the hardest time was probably the first year of being parents. We had just moved to a new city, got very little sleep, didn’t have a lot of money, and didn’t have any family close enough to help us out.

How did you get through that difficult time?
K: We didn’t turn on each other, we turned to each other. And I think our relationship got stronger, because we gained a new respect for each other’s strength and ability to handle stress. We saw a whole new side of each other. And, of course, we had a lot of pride in our children, which made it all worth it.

How do you handle conflict with each other?
J: We rarely have any conflicts.
K: We don’t really “fight,” because I can’t get angry without crying, so I’m pretty sure that he just puts up with all of my crap and that’s that. It’s possible that it’s not the healthiest way to deal with issues . . . but it sure works for me!

In what ways has your relationship improved over the years?
K: I think that as we get older, we have more perspective and wisdom than we did when we were younger, so we don’t seem to stress as much about things over which we have no control, like social and family issues. We’re more confident as individuals, so our time together is more serene and focused.

With your busy schedules, how do you fit in Kathy-and-Jamie time?
K: Frankly, for the most part, we don’t. I’ve heard all the “relationship advice” about going on dates once a week, but it doesn’t happen. When the kids were little, we rarely had any opportunities to “get away,” and now that they’re old enough to leave alone, we don’t really feel the need to “get away.” We kinda like hanging out with them, and I don’t think we’ll regret all the time we’ve spent together as a family. We know that these days will be gone in the blink of an eye. Going to church is like a date for us, because we actually sit in close proximity to each other for a whole hour at a time! It’s almost embarrassing sometimes…

J: Sometimes it seems that our time is only a shared smile from afar but that's enough to keep me going.

How do you think your relationship might change when the kids leave the house?
J: I am looking forward to those days when we can just do things together spontaneously without worrying about the activity schedule.

Which celebrity couple do you resemble most?
K: Don’t laugh, but I’d have to say Morticia and Gomez Addams from the Addams Family movies... very passionate and playful.

Do you have any advice for young married couples (or soon-to-be-married couples)?
J: Be patient. When you find the right person you will know it. It's definitely worth the wait.
K: Remember to always treat each other with the respect and tolerance that you would give a best friend. Accordingly, don’t have irrational expectations of perfection—because you don’t want the same to be expected of you! Just have fun and love each other. Life goes by too quickly to be miserable.

Thank you, K&J, for sharing your real-life recipe for a successful marriage that has been such a blessing for me to witness. I love you crazy kids. And hey... no hanky panky in those church pews, alright?  

-JS