Honesty is the Best Policy? Part 2

I've been thinking about my honesty post all day, and I have some more things I want to talk about regarding this subject.

But first, one of the commenters on yesterday's post gave some very wise insight, along with this statement:

99% of the time telling the truth makes things easier... This number would be 100% if women avoided trap questions like "Does this dress make me look fat?" "Do I look fat" and making other comments about being fat or unattractive. Not that we're lying all the time, it's just a lot of pressure to put on a guy, you have to make sure you answer the question with the correct tone, timing, and eye contact.

The reason I call this out is because I have to ask... Ladies... are you really still asking the question "Does this make me look fat?" Because if you are, please stop. First of all, as the commenter noted, you're putting your man in a trap, whether you mean it or not. Even if his response to that question is a resounding "No," you're still going to wonder if he just said that to be nice or because it's the truth. So what's the point in even asking? Also, you know better than anyone else what really looks best on you. If you look in the mirror and are not happy with what you see, then change your clothes. And if you're happy and confident with how a particular outfit looks on you, then wear it with happiness and confidence! Give your man a break and stop asking him that question. Your intuition is much smarter than he is. (Sorry guys, but you know it's true.)

Okay, I'm off of my soapbox now. Kinda...

I now want to talk about dishonesty. Today at Julietta's cheerleading class I was chatting with one of the other cheerleading moms. This woman was young, fun and gregarious, but her eyes had the wear and tear of a rough life. I could tell just by looking at her that she's been through things I didn't even know were possible.

Sure enough, I was right.

We ended up talking about her ex-boyfriend, who happens to be the father of her child (who's in the same cheerleading class as Julietta. Ya follow?). The woman said that she was with this man for nine years—from age 19 to 28—and she didn't find out until the very end that the dude was MARRIED THE ENTIRE TIME. Not only was he married, but he had three other kids! And... AND!!!... he was living with her most of those years, and still managed to hide this secret from her!!

Now, since we're being honest, I will say that the inner cynic in me wondered if she was even telling the truth. This story just seems too bizarre to be real. I also wonder if she knew all along if something was fishy but was in denial or something. But let's just say that the story is true and she really had no clue. I wish I could meet the guy. Because, after giving him a good beating (kidding), I'd ask him about a million questions. Like how on earth did he keep that secret from her, of course. But also, is it really worth all of the hiding and sneaking to have a double life? For NINE YEARS??

I've never, ever understood the concept behind cheating. Not just cheating, but having a full-out affair while still staying in the original relationship. If a person is so unhappy that they're looking elsewhere, shouldn't they just end the first relationship? Is it really possible to love two people? Or is it all about having your cake and eating it too?

I've never cheated on anyone and I've never been cheated on (that I know of, anyway.) But I've seen some very dear friends get their lives torn apart by a cheating spouse, and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. And I'm still confounded on how cheating even happens. I'm not trying to be self-righteous, I'm just saying that the concept of cheating is one that I simply cannot wrap my mind around. But maybe I'm being naive.

I'm not asking for feedback this time, unless you're willing to offer it. I just wanted to vent, in the aftermath of that poor woman's story. And while I have the platform, if any of you may be cheating or thinking about cheating... like I said to the women who are asking their men if they look fat... please, just stop.

Honesty is the Best Policy?

I've had a busy few days, so it's been a while since I've been able to really dig into the good ol' metaphysical type of discussion that makes me tick. But now I'm poised and ready to pick your brains, about something that's always been a rather conflicting subject for me.

First, the premise... Last week I wrote about my awesome sister Stella, and I mentioned that she gives advice that is straight and to-the-point. One time, a few years ago, I was complaining to her about my then-boyfriend. You see, for some stupid reason, the thing that bugged me most about this boyfriend was that he took the long way to get to my house, instead of the short-cut I preferred. I have no idea now why this bothered me so much. Apparently bad navigational skills was a deal-breaker for me? Forget that the guy was sweet, attractive and romantic... he took AN EXTRA FIVE MINUTES TO GET TO MY HOUSE. Gosh. What a loser.

When I complained about this to Stella, she said, as if talking about the weather: "Why don't you just tell him that it bothers you?"

To which I eloquently replied: "Um. What?"

"Just tell him," Stella said. "I'm sure he doesn't know that it bothers you, so once you tell him, he'll probably stop going the long way."

And then she looked out the window and hummed to the music on the radio, while I thought about how unfair it was that my sister got the common sense gene from my parents. I apparently got the make-everything-complicated gene.

Of course, I had never once thought to TELL my boyfriend that I didn't like his route of choice. Why would I do that? After all, that could hurt his feelings. And I would much rather have gone on brooding about this (which would have reared its ugly head eventually) than to outright hurt his feelings in one fell swoop.

Looking back, it sounds just as ridiculous to me now as Stella probably thought it sounded then.

This isn't the only instance where I haven't communicated my conflicts with a partner. And I'm sure I'm not alone.

Why do we do this? Why are we so afraid to be honest with our boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse about what's bugging us? (Even if it's something as simple as road choice?) Why can't we see that a resolution might come simply by opening our mouth and telling the truth?

On the other side of the coin, how honest is too honest? What should remain unsaid?

Discuss. And be nice this time. (You know who you are, peeps.)

Dance Your Heart Out

One of my favorite shows is So You Think You Can Dance, and one of my favorite dances this past season was performed by Mark and Chelsie, to the song "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis.

This dance was choreographed to tell the story of a workaholic husband and his frustrated wife. You can definitely see that struggle in this creative and emotional routine.

Check it out...

Advice from Kyra

I went to the doctor's office today, and while sitting in the waiting room, I read the August issue of Redbook magazine. The cover story featured actress Kyra Sedgwick, who celebrated her 20th wedding anniversary with husband Kevin Bacon this year. In the question-and-answer interview (which closely resembles my Hero & Heroine interviews), Sedgwick offered some of the most refreshing views on marriage that I've heard in a long time.

Here is an excerpt from the interview. I marked in bold the points that really struck me.

What changes in a marriage over 20 years?
Both of our lives are an open book in a way, because we are so boring. We've been married for so long and there are no secrets. But I never in a million years thought there would be sides to Kevin that I'm still learning. [Our relationship] is like a treasure; there are layers and layers of it. I'm constantly amazed that we are still surprised and interested in each other. When I look back at our first four years... by that time we'd had our second kid, and I look back at those pictures and I think, Gosh, I didn't know him at all! I loved him, but I didn't know him, and he probably didn't know me. But you grow together and learn more about each other. I think the trust gets deeper and the dependency gets deeper, which is scary. I think, because my father and mother split up when I was very young, there was a part of me at the beginning of our marriage that thought, I'm cool alone. I love him, but I'm strong enough to handle life without him. But now he is the person I count on to live and walk through life with. It's a dependency that is there and large and real and profound.

How do you handle the conflicts?
We always knew that we were each other's "one." Both of us knew this was forever and we were going to work it out no matter what happens, so when we fight, it's not so scary. You can't be honest with someone if you think that they are going to leave. It doesn't mean that sometimes I don't have bad dreams — which are terrible — but it's just a dream.

As parents, how do you and Kevin make sure you also get what you want?
I feel the primary relationship has to be the mother and the father, and then it can be the kids. Of course the kids come first in planning your life, but it's incredibly important to keep your relationship as a couple strong and make time for it. It's the foundation on which everything is built. Kids should know that your needs are important, because if they think your happiness lies only in them, that's a lot of pressure on them. Plus, I think if you are pursuing your own goals, it makes your kids want to search for whatever their dreams and bliss are.

So, how do you keep your relationship strong?
We got help when we needed to be alone. We check in with each other all the time. I think that's ultimately the best for the kids, because they feel safe when they know Mum and Dad are good, enjoying each other's company and wanting to be alone together. I think that's important.


Not sure why she said "Mum" instead of "Mom," but regardless... That's some good stuff right there. And what makes it even more enlightening is to hear it from someone in Hollywood—where marriages last about as long as it takes me to stand in line at the DMV. If that.

The picture of marriage that Sedgwick paints is the picture I want for my own marriage, whenever that may occur. In my mind, marriage is difficult, labor-intensive. But she makes it actually sound enjoyable. What a concept!

My Very Own Doctor Phil

I would like to take a moment to give a shout-out to my sister.

(I will be referring to her as "Stella," not only because it seems like a very Shakespeare-esque name, but also because my sister has wanted to be called Stella all of her life. I'm making your dream come true, sis, via the World Wide Web. You can thank me later.)

Stella is 17 months younger than me, but she is much, much wiser than me. And this comes as no surprise. All throughout our childhood, it was always like she was the older sister. Mainly because she was loud and boisterous and I was quiet as a mouse. Stella always just took the lead, and I willingly followed. It was a good partnership, although now I'm thinking she got the better end of the deal.

Maybe it's because we're so close in age, or because we shared a room until I went to college, or because we just plain like each other, but Stella and I are—and always have been—very best friends. I can truly say she is my other half. Where I am weak, she is strong, and vice versa. I have book smarts, she has people smarts. I'm a girly girl, she's a tomboy. She's really funny, I'm really good at laughing at her jokes... You get the picture.

Stella lives far away, and has for years. But she and I still talk on the phone at least twice a week. I'm not a big fan of talking on the phone, but I could easily talk to Stella for hours. We always find things to chat about, and at one point or another, our conversation typically lands on boy talk. We fill each other in on our latest crush or boyfriend, and we offer each other advice when needed.

Stella gives the best advice ever. I should pay her for the counseling she gives me. Seriously. First of all, she can read people like a book, and me being her sister, she can read me like a... well, like a really easy book. When I tell her about a struggle I'm having, she can usually pinpoint exactly why it's happening. Then she offers a solution that is so simple, so to-the-point, that I always walk away thinking, "Why didn't I think of that?"

Sometimes I feel guilty that the guidance I offer Stella doesn't even come close to what she does for me. It seems like I'm receiving more so than I'm giving. But the honest truth is, I would give Stella my kidney if she ever needed it—heck, I'd give her all of my major organs. So hopefully (and heaven forbid), if that need ever presented itself, the give-and-take scale would be evened out, and Stella would finally learn how much she really means to me.

I hope that all of you have a Stella in your life. Someone who will listen to your crap, who will bring you back to reality when you need it, and who makes you feel like your load has lightened after talking to them. If you do have such a person, go and thank them right now. If you don't have one, I'll let you borrow mine.

You don't mind, right Stella?

Oh, and Stella?

Thank you.

The computer speaks...

I just realized that it's been a while since my last update about the Online Dating Experiment.

There's not much to report. I'm still getting "winks" and emails from various Matchos. And now I think Match.com is doing the thing where they run my profile through a labyrinthine automated matchmaking system, because all of a sudden lately there's a new category called "Matches." The guys in this category don't appear to have sought me out on their own. They appear to have been called to my attention because we have stuff in common. ("You both like food!") I think these guys are getting my profile under their "Matches" link too.

When I click on said link, it takes me to a Matcho's profile, and I can't see the next guy's profile until I decide if the first one is a "Yes," "No" or "Maybe." Of course I click on "Maybe" because MAYBE I want to see who else the computer might be matching me up with. MAYBE I want to go back to only meeting men in the real world. MAYBE I can't wait for my month-long subscription to be up so that I no longer have to judge the worth of complete strangers based solely on their interests and photos...

Okay, I'm done with the maybes.

I will give props to one of the Matchos. He viewed my profile and—like me—felt that connecting with me on Match is impersonal, so he searched for my username on MySpace instead. Sure enough, I have the same username there too, so he sent me a long message on MySpace. This was nice because I could see his profile too, and for some reason you can find out more about a person on MySpace than on Match. (Facebook is even better, but that's neither here nor there.) This particular Matcho stood out to me, not only because of his outstanding investigational skills, but also because he appears to be a gentleman. And he's a good writer, which delights the nerd in me.

He and I are just chatting for now. I'm impatient and would rather just meet in person soon so I can find out if we're a "Match" in real life too. But I think he's trying to play it cool so I will oblige, I suppose.

I have a lot of other opinions and philosophies forming in my head about the concept of online dating (and about online social networking in general), but I'm going to wait till the month-long experiment is complete before I share them. After all, something unique could happen between now and then, and if I were to make conclusions before all of the evidence is gathered, I would be one lousy scientist.

So stay tuned for about two more weeks.

Two Hearts

I was just reading my favorite bridal blog, Brooklyn Bride, and came across this photo by Max Wanger that is so friggin' cool I just had to share it...



I'm totally stealing that for my wedding day.

(Speaking of, I'm reading the bridal blog for work, not because I'm getting married. Nor because I'm dreaming of getting married and therefore surrounding myself with all things bridal. I may be neurotic, but that would just be pathetic.)