The Bachelor, Week 3

I missed the first half hour of this week's episode, but the remaining hour and a half provided enough drama to get me through the week.

Jason decided to go on a private date with a very tan blonde girl named Natalie. He said he wanted to go out with her because she's "really hot" but he wasn't sure if she was marriage material. It turns out she's not. Or at least Jason didn't think so. 'Cause he sent her home at the end of the date. Ouch. Maybe it's because the only three-syllable word she uttered on the whole date (over and over again) was "amazing."

I—along with most of the other bachelorettes—was relieved that Jason was looking for more in a woman than a good bod and long blonde hair. Not that either of those things are bad. But he was making a statement that it's not all about looks; that authenticity and genuine goodness are more important. Hooray for authenticity and genuine goodness!

But there are still some girls in the running who are not very good people, as Natalie pointed out to Jason when she got the boot. So Jason spent the rest of the episode trying to figure out which girls are mean to the others. And by "figure out," I mean he "pried some of the girls for info." Not cool, in my opinion. He was asking them to talk badly about the other girls, which is exactly what the mean girls were doing to them, and... it was just a big vicious cycle that involved lots of backstabbing and moving of the head and talking to the hand.

The cat fights that happen on this show make me embarrassed to be a woman. They don't realize that they look so... ahem, unclassy... when they're all up in someone's bizness. But, hey! Suckers like me love watching it.

The previews for next week involve lots of tears. I'm sure that's such a turn-on to Jason. We shall see!

6 Signs You're About To Get Dumped

It's funny how, when you're in a relationship with someone you're crazy about, you may not notice when that person is trying to get rid of you. The signs seem so clear in retrospect, but at the time, it's easy to be in denial.

This article on Savvymiss.com gives the top six signs you're about to get dumped. It's written for women, but I think it can apply to either gender.

According to the article, you're about to get dumped if....

1. He's no longer interested in intimacy with you.
2. He's picking silly fights.
3. He says "I need space" or "I think we should see other people." [This seems like a big duh to me, but again, denial...]
4. He pats your back while hugging you. [Ooh, an obscure one that involves the ever-so-subtle body language. This is a good one.]
5. He buys a pre-paid cell phone or a pager.
6. He's suddenly paying a lot more attention to his appearance.

You can read further explanation of these signs here.

Do you agree with this list? Is there anything missing?

Just Say It

Today I heard Alicia Keys' Tell You Something, which is a beautiful song about her desire to express how she feels about a loved one before they're gone. I think she wrote it for her grandmother, but obviously it can apply to anyone. The main message is that you shouldn't sit around waiting for the right moment to tell someone you love them, because the right moment might never come. But Alicia tells it better than I do, so see her lyrics here and listen to the song here.

The song reminded me of one of my favorite movie scenes of all time, which is in My Best Friend's Wedding. If you haven't seen that flick... um, where've ya been? Just kidding. In the film, Julia Roberts' character Julianne is best friends with Michael, who's played by Dermot Mulroney. And he announces that he's getting married to a gorgeous blonde named Kimmy (Cameron Diaz). At this news, Julianne suddenly realizes that she's in love with Michael. So she spends the rest of the film awkwardly trying to get him to call off the wedding.

There's one scene where Julianne finally gets to spend some time alone with Michael, and she has a chance to tell him how she feels, but doesn't. Check it out...



Just a couple of reminders that life is too short to hold back on how you really feel. If you love someone, you say it, before the moment passes you by.

The Bachelor, Week 2

Tonight I had the pleasure of watching The Bachelor with some new friends, after I ate two helpings of lasagna and garlic bread. And a cupcake. Good food, good friends, and a trashy TV show... all on a Monday night. Does it get any better than that?

Tonight's episode was juicy as ever, and it was SO AWESOME watching it with other fellow female cynics. All throughout the episode we'd shout out exclamations like, "Yeah, right!" or "He's soooo not into you," or "You're goin' home, girl!" It was trash-talking at its best. We sounded just like the very catty contestants we were making fun of—only we were wearing jeans and sweatshirts instead of bikinis and evening gowns.

The super-duper clean-cut bachelor Jason had to juggle his time between 15 bachelorettes tonight, and he made out with about 13 of them. He went on two one-on-one dates, and a big group date with about six or seven others. I honestly felt bad for the bachelorettes who didn't get selected for either of those scenarios. You could see the dejection on their faces, and throughout the rest of the episode they desperately clamored to win Jason's affection. One woman ("The Brazilian," we call her) even snuck into his limo as he was leaving, and I think she scared the crap out of him because he sent her home at the end of the episode. He also sent home a very quiet girl who is cute but not nearly as glamorous as the others, and that made me sad. You know she was going home because she wasn't pretty enough.

Ugh, can you imagine the scrutiny?

Moving on...

I want to talk a bit about how the women are handling the fact that Jason is a single dad. There are a couple of single moms on the show, and even though it's obvious they're not quite right for Jason, you can tell his heart goes out to them a little, because they have this huge thing in common. I'm curious to see how long he leads them on—er, I mean continues to get to know them better.

Most of the girls, however, seem to think that what Jason wants to hear (awkwardly placed in the middle of a random convo about shoes or something) is this: "I LOVE kids. I want to be a teacher. And during my summers off, I want to play with the kids that I teach during the school year! I have a niece and a nephew, and they think that I'm the greatest aunt EVER. Blah blah blah. Blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah."

I don't know about Jason, but I can speak from my single-parenthood experience that this kind of talk—thought it may seem like an obvious way to win points—is in fact a huge turn-off. When a guy says these kinds of things to me, here's what I'm shouting in my head: "I don't want to hear about YOU. If you're trying to prove that you're ready to be in a relationship with a single mom, then the best thing you can do is ask me questions about my daughter. Ask me every question you can think of. Show interest in HER, don't brag about YOU. If you're so good with kids, I'll know it when you meet my child. You aren't going to prove it to me by telling me you take your nephew to the zoo once a month. Parenting is pretty much the most unselfish thing you're going to do. So if you're trying to tell me that you would make a good parent, don't be selfish by making it about you!"

I don't mean to come across so cynical, but this truly has been an honest indicator of which guys have been worth my time and which haven't. It makes sense, does it not?

Okay, I'm off my soapbox now.

It's still too early to tell what will happen on this goofy show, but I'm already hooked (these shows are like drugs), so I'll keep watching. Send me your thoughts if you saw tonight's episode!

This is just awesome

There's this great company called Despair, Inc., who makes products that are seeping in sarcasm. Case in point? This t-shirt right here...



I'm on Despair's email list, just because I'm a word nerd and therefore in love with their clever marketing language.

Here's what they wrote to promote the Cupid Keeps Missing t-shirt:

In a year likely to be bitterly fruitful with miseries—one day in particular promises to stand out from among them. February 14th. A holiday which celebrates the endless promise of romantic love by blissfully tormenting all those who will spend the day loveless and alone.

But fear not—for wherever large, suffering masses of embittered souls can be found, so too can Despair, Inc. Offering a sympathetic shoulder to cry on while ever-so-gently picking your pocket—leaving only some dark-humored, overpriced tschotschkes as receipt.

Coming this January 5th, Despair will introduce to the public our latest Valentine's Day collectible—the limited-run "Cupid Keeps Missing" t-shirt—in men's and women's versions. A shirt which shows only too well just how crappy a shot Cupid really is.

Brilliant. And all too true!

If you're interested in buying the shirt, you can do so here.

The 80/20 Experiment

Well, I finally finished my 80/20 Experiment list. I suppose it wasn't very surprising. After all, I've been dating for about 15 years now; I do know what I'm looking for in a man!

But what was surprising was determining which are the non-negotiables and which can be thrown out the window.

In making the list, I separated it into five categories:
1. Looks
2. Personality
3. Values
4. Things He Likes
5. How He Treats Me

I'm not going to share all of the specific line items, as I feel it's personal. (Plus, I don't think it's wise to publish my recipe for a perfect man on the World Wide Web. Any wackadoo could approach me claiming to posess all that falls into the 80-percent category. No thanks!) However, I will say that every item in the "Values" category (i.e. religion, family) fell in the 80th percentile, while most of the items in the "Things He Likes" category (food, music) were labeled as 20-percenters.

I listed 38 things total. Eighty percent of that is roughly 30, and 20 percent is 8. So there were 8 things that I could take or leave. The rest were the non-negotiables. Which is kind of scary. Because 30 is a much higher number than 8. I fear that my 80-percent Man might not actually exist. But it is that belief that causes me to settle, so I need to change that mindset! That is the whole purpose of this exercise!

It feels weird talking about this kind of thing in such mathematical terms. After all, we are talking about human beings here. And I don't plan on consulting this list every time I meet someone new. It's just a good way of identifying what matters and what doesn't. And I'm sure it will at least serve as a reminder from time to time of those traits that I cannot and should not settle for.

Did anyone else make a list? Or have you in the past? How has it worked for you?

The Bachelor, Week 1

I have a confession to make.

Tonight, I watched the season premiere of... ahem... The Bachelor.

I've always disliked that show, which I've written about before, but this time around I think I'm going to watch it. After all, I have something in common with this season's bachelor... we're both single parents.

A few years ago, my brother told me he thought I should go on The Bachelor, that I would be a perfect candidate. I didn't know if I should be flattered or insulted, based on the kind of women I've seen on that show! But my bro is a good guy, so I'm guessing he was being nice. I told him there are a number of reasons why I couldn't ever do it:

1. I hate the cattiness among women on that show, but I also know full well that I would probably get caught up in that, were I one of them. Ugh.
2. I like my men exclusive, thank you very much.
3. I know they'd make a big deal out of me being a single mom, and I wouldn't want to put Julietta in the spotlight like that.

So now, to see a single dad (a seemingly well-balanced single dad) on the show—first as a Bachelorette contestant and now as the lucky guy who gets to choose his lady—is admirable. And it also makes me curious as to how he's going to play that out.

The recap of tonight's episode is not all that interesting. Nearly every minute of it was embarrassing, mainly because of the way the women were drooling all over the guy. And there was a lot of eye makeup, hair flips, and the use of the word "like." And of course the cat fighting has already begun. I didn't even know it was possible for so many women to hate each other so much, in such a small amount of time.

Based on the irresistible preview of the coming weeks (this show is the MASTER of that, by the way), it looks like there will be all kinds of delicious twists and turns. So I look forward to seeing that unfold in its probably uninteresting truth, and writing about it. If you're going to be watching it too, feel free to share your thoughts!

Ex Memories

I'm back! Sorry I haven't written much lately. These past two weeks have been all out of whack, schedule-wise, what with the holidays and all. 'Twas a fun two weeks, though, that's fo' sho'. But now I'm back in the swing of things and will be posting regularly again.

I'm still working on my list for the 80/20 Experiment. It requires a lot more thought than I had anticipated. I feel like my list is too short, and I want to mull over it for a couple of days, just to make sure I'm not missing anything.

So tonight I'm going to write about something else that's been on my mind.

A few days ago I hung out with a pretty solid couple who has been together for a long time. It was my first time hanging out with the two of them together. So I was surprised when they kept talking about their past relationships, as if they were talking about the weather. Both of them would frequently bring up ex-boyfriends and girlfriends for some reason or another.

Considering my last serious relationship was one where the single mention of an ex-boyfriend's name would result in days' worth of punishment, this really stood out to me. Doesn't it bother her when he talks about a fun memory with an ex? Does it eat away at him when she talks about her first kiss?

Or is it healthy to talk about these things? I suppose keeping it out in the open shows that there's nothing to hide. And those memories are in the past. But if that's the case, why bring them into the present?

Please weigh in on this for me. Do you talk about exes in your current relationship, or are those discussions off-limits? And be honest... how do you REALLY feel when your mate talks about an ex?

Do dish!

Settling? Or Just Plain Picky?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of "settling." It's such an unsettling word, isn't it? In relationships, this word denotes the act of staying with someone who you know is wrong for you, rather than holding out for someone better.

I've done quite a bit of settling in my life, but luckily I've managed to get out of those relationships at some point. And I'm always relieved when I do.

But here is the question... When is it settling, and when is it just being too picky? After all, no one is perfect. You can't have everything, right? But at the same time, you deserve nothing but the best, dangit. (Unless you're a jerk. Because then you deserve someone who is equally jerky. But I am confident that there are no jerks reading this blog.)

I heard the other day that you can be satisfied if you've found someone who fits 80% of what you're looking for in a romantic partner. HOWEVER, the additional 20% (the part that you're "settling for") should be menial stuff. ("We have different tastes in music," "He watches sports a little more than I'd like," etc.) The 20% should NOT consist of major character flaws (i.e. abusiveness) or differences in major life values (i.e. religion).

I think that rule of thumb is pretty right on. So I guess my work here is done.

Not quite. It sounds easy in theory, but when you're in the thick of a relationship—where there are feelings flying all over the place, for all kinds of reasons—the 80/20 ratio can get blurry. And before you know it, you're either settling for someone you shouldn't be, or you're ending a relationship for petty reasons.

So here's what I'm going to do. (And I challenge you single peeps to do this too!) I'm going to make a list of all of the things I wish for in a man. I'm essentially going to draft my perfect man on paper. (Even though I already know it's this guy.) Then I'm going to mark which of those traits should be in the 80th percentile and which should go in the 20th percentile.

I'm doing this because I think sometimes writing things down makes them more concrete when you're in a difficult situation. Not that this list is the Holy Grail that I must follow by the letter, but maybe it will give this fickle head of mine a better idea of what I should be looking for-slash-not settling for.

Ooh, this is going to be fun! I'll consider it my next experiment! We'll call it the 80/20 Experiment.

Stay tuned...

Good tidings

I won't be posting anything for a few days, because I'm too busy to write and you're too busy to read. Plus, at this time of year, I think we should all step away from the computers for a while and spend our time with real people. People who mean so much more to us than blogs and news and shopping and life's everyday sensory overload.

Merry Christmas!

Love,
Juliet

Christmas Song Gone Wrong

When I was a kid, the song "I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" made me want to cry. At that time, I didn't know that Santa = Daddy. So it really bothered me that the mommy was seemingly cheating on the daddy, AND that they were making a song about it! Weren't Christmas songs supposed to make you feel warm and cozy? Gosh.

I stopped believing in Santa when I was 7 years old, I think. (Which seems young, does it not?) And I'm ashamed to admit that I STILL didn't "get" the song until I was about 12! I don't know why it took me so long; funny how that happens sometimes. But all of those years, I would shake my head in indignation, disturbed and slightly terrified that they were playing this song about a two-timing mother.

I'll never forget the day I realized that the Santa she was kissing was the kid's dad dressed as Santa! It somehow just clicked—finally—and I instantly felt stupid for not figuring it out five years earlier, and ashamed for judging the mom so badly when all she was doing was loving her husband.

I can't believe I just told you that story. I really do have some intelligence floating around in this brain of mine, I swear.

I found this video of an adorable little girl singing "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." I wonder if she's as bothered by it as I was. I'm guessing probably not.

Let's Talk About Sex

I try to avoid writing about sex on this blog because it's such a complicated and personal subject. But there are some things that just need to be said, and this is one of them...

Today a friend of mine linked to this article on Twitter, about how young people are dating less and just hooking up more. In fact, it says that hooking up is the new dating.

"Hooking up" basically means having a one-night stand. But, the article emphasizes, the upside is that these one-night stands are most likely happening with people they already know, instead of some random drunk at the bar. (Although I hear that the random drunks are still in the running too.)

The article talks about the pros and cons of this issue.

The pros?

Hooking up emphasizes group friendships over the one-pair model of dating, and, therefore, removes the negative stigma from those who can’t get a date. As [professor and author Kathleen Bogle] put it, “It used to be that if you couldn’t get a date, you were a loser.” Now, she said, you just hang out with your friends and hope that something happens.

Oookaaay...? So people who normally can't get a date might have a better chance of hooking up in a group setting? Umm... I'll take the optimistic route and hope this means that you're developing friendships with people first, and through that, someone might be more interested in you than if they barely knew you. Because by hanging out with you they learned how great you really are. So, instead of asking you on a date, they ask you to go into the back room to hook up. Because they like you for who you really are.

Sorry, I just can't do the optimism thing in this case.

Then it goes on to give the cons...

The cons center on the issues of gender inequity. Girls get tired of hooking up because they want it to lead to a relationship (the guys don’t), and, as they get older, they start to realize that it’s not a good way to find a spouse. Also, there’s an increased likelihood of sexual assaults because hooking up is often fueled by alcohol.

I was surprised when I read the first sentence. I understand what it means by gender inequity because it's true, girls make hooking up emotional and guys typically do not. But I thought the first con would be that people are giving themselves away too quickly! They are taking things out of order, risking not only confusion and heartache, but also sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy!

And speaking of pregnancy... I am obviously not one to judge. In fact, I admit (begrudgingly, because my pastor is reading this) that I've done exactly what this article is talking about. And that's why I can say without a doubt that this whole hooking-up-instead-of-dating thing is dangerous. I have experienced the emptiness, the shame, the fear, the mixed messages, the whole roller coaster of emotions that can come from such an activity. I have been burned by men I truly cared about. I have burned men that truly cared about me. I have paid for those experiences in relationships that came after them. And I have lived through every unmarried woman's worst nightmare... seeing that little blue line on the pregnancy test.

So to know that this is becoming a regular occurrence in our culture? Breaks my heart. Because I don't want another woman to go through the crap that I went through. I want women to never have to wonder if the guy likes her for her awesomeness, or because she is awesome in bed. I want both women and men to be able to wake up in the morning and not regret what happened the night before. I want men to man up, dangit, and ask women on real, legitimate dates again. I want the blurry lines between lust and respect to be sharpened again.

I could go on all night but I won't.

To be continued...

The Good Stuff

I don't know if you've noticed, but I've had a bit of a case of writer's block lately. Partly because my schedule has been pretty hectic, but mainly because it can be difficult to write something compelling about love every night.

So tonight I'm just going to write about some good things going on in my life. Because sometimes that's more exciting to write/read about than breakups or dating advice. The cool thing about this is that I've definitely come 180 from a couple of weeks ago. We women are like that—our moods can change in a nanosecond. It must be because of all those emotional receptors floating around in our brains.

So this is what's making me happy lately...

1) My awesome sister Stella is coming home for Christmas! For a whole week! And she's staying at MY HOUSE! We're gonna gossip and paint our toenails and get in fights about how messy she is! Yay!

2) My job has been more fulfilling than usual lately because I've been involved in some big-picture stuff, which sometimes makes the nitty-gritty, daily-grind stressors a little more worth it.

3) I moved to a new town in August and I've already made a ton of new friends. I'm amazed at how quickly some of those friendships have developed. Have you ever met a person or group of people and you just jive so well together that you can't even imagine how you lived your life before they came along? Yeah, that's happening to me with some of my new friends.

4) My old friends still love me too.

5) (Okay, this one kind of relates to love...) I've been on a few dates with this great guy and whenever I see or hear from him, my stomach turns upside down and my face turns into one big cheesy grin, for a good thirty minutes or so.

6) My daughter is so excited about Christmas that she's starting to make ME believe in Santa Claus again.

7) I have a new vacuum cleaner.

8) I'm going to a bunch of parties in the next couple of weeks. And really, a good party is the bread and butter of my social life. I. Love. Parties.

I hope all of you are finding happiness in your lives too, even despite the junk going on in the world right now. Thanks for reading.

Only in Italy

This past weekend I watched Roman Holiday for the first time. This flick is a rather forward-thinking film that was made in 1953, starring the brilliant Audrey Hepburn and the devastatingly handsome Gregory Peck.

I've never really cared for the older films (except for Elvis Presley movies... I am madly in love with Elvis). So I was surprised that Roman Holiday had me glued to the screen the entire time. It's a captivating story about repression, freedom, friendship, duty. And of course, there's a little love thrown into the mix.

Here's a brief plot overview: A princess comes to Italy while on a "world tour," so to speak. The princess is young and very refined. But she's bursting to experience life outside the castle walls, so she runs away for what she thinks will only be a few hours. Of course, Italy is the most vibrant, charismatic, pleasure-seeking place on earth. It is the exact opposite of her stoic, secure royal life. So she soaks in every last drop of it, undergoing a much-needed awakening, and meets some good friends (and one hot man—ooh la la!) along the way.

What's interesting about this story is that most people would love to be royalty. We love the idea of being waited on hand and foot, and having all the finest things, and being practically worshiped by everyone we meet. But this story makes you realize that those things can be so stifling. And all of a sudden real life—in all of its spontaneous glory—seems more appealing than ever.

If you haven't seen this film, please do so soon, and tell me what you think of it. Buona sera!

The Holiday Breakup

Aah, the holidays...

I'm already starting to feel the warm fuzzies I always feel at this time of year. There's just something about the sparkling Christmas lights, the feel-good music, and the many gatherings with family and friends, that makes this time of year so outstanding.

Unless you're in a relationship that you need/want to get out of. Then the holidays can be one big sappy nuisance.

I've actually been through three holiday breakups. I've been both the dumper and the dumpee, and neither one is pleasant. (Although the dumpee role is especially biting.) But I survived them. And I had considered postponing one of those breakups for after the holidays, because I didn't want to make the dude sad at Christmastime. But I decided to bite the bullet and end it right away (which was two weeks before Christmas), and I'm glad I did.

Happenmag.com has a great article on how to tactfully and peacefully break up with someone during the holidays. The article contains this great quote about why it's such a difficult thing to do at this time of year...

“Everything about the holidays reminds us of family, love and ritual,” explains Kathleen Hall, CEO of Atlanta’s Stress Institute. “We see emotional movies. We go to the mall and see lovers holding hands. We go to restaurants and see couples kissing and eating together. Holidays are a sensual time of smells, food, music, lights and decorations. It is a time that we naturally want to share with another person.”

And despite that very sensory experience, the article also recommends dumping the person right away instead of prolonging it—agonizing as it may be.

You can read the rest of the article here.

The Age Difference Factor Part 3 (And then I'm done, I swear!)

Well, I am certainly going to think twice before I give you folks permission to psychoanalyze me again. Holy moly, was that a humbling experience!

But in many ways, I deserved it. After re-reading yesterday's post, I admit that I was stereotyping, and I also sounded a bit elitist. I was just channeling years' worth of frustration, and remembering all of the things I didn't like about the many younger guys I've dated. Unfortunately, I lumped those things together, alluding to the fact that all young guys act that way all the time and therefore they're, like, sooo beneath me. It was wrong of me to make such generalizations, and I apologize if I offended anyone.

However, I still firmly believe it's neither foolish nor close-minded to think twice about dating someone who is either much younger or much older than you. After all, you are supposed to relate to your partner to some extent. And I don't know if it's an American culture thing or a human nature thing, but in general, we simply relate better to the people in our same age group. Dating someone outside of your age group could naturally cause some discrepancies in lifestyle, and also potential problems with that all-too-important component called communication.

I'm not saying it WILL cause problems but that it COULD.

I'm also not saying that EVERY relationship that has an age discrepancy is a failure. In fact, I know some of you reading this are in a relationship with someone much older or younger than you and it works for you. But it doesn't necessarily work for EVERYONE.

In closing, I absolutely agree with the commenter who said it should be taken on a case-by-case basis. But I also believe that age differences (particularly in an older woman/younger man combo) could potentially cause more problems than you may realize, so you should investigate that case a little more closely.

Okay, I'm done. Onto lighter, happier things tomorrow...

The Age Difference Factor Part 2

So yesterday my friend Seth wrote a great post about why it's not a good idea for a guy to date an older woman.

Now I'm going to write about my struggles being... ahem... the older woman.

I'm 28 years old, and the last time I dated someone older than me was three years ago. I honestly DON'T EVEN REMEMBER the last time I dated someone my own age. When I was in college, I think? Other than that, it's all been younger guys—and primarily guys who are at least two years younger, sometimes more. (Paris was four years younger than me, which I now know played a huge part in why we are no longer together.)

This past Thanksgiving, while visiting my family, my sister and my aunt rather boldly declared/demanded, "Juliet, from now on you can only date men who are AT LEAST five years older than you. Five to ten years older. No more young guys!" Their body language and tone of voice were scary enough for me to comply on the spot. "O-o-o-o-kaaaay!" I stuttered, in fear of a beating if I had replied otherwise.

They were only looking out for my best interests. I have had a pretty long string of bad luck, after all, and the one thing most of my past boyfriends have in common is that they've all been younger than me. There must be a pattern here.

But. Guys my age or older—who are not already married, in a serious relationship, or total weirdos—are IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND. The only reason I keep going out with the young guys is because they're the only ones left! Seriously.

To mimic Seth's list, here are the problems with dating a younger guy (and by younger I mean early to mid twenties). (Disclaimer: I say these things not to make fun, but because they are true. And I know that not all younger guys are like this, but the majority are. I should know.)

1. Priorities.
My priorities: My daughter, my job, and my health.
Young guy's priorities: Himself, getting a job, and his social life.

2. Preferences.
My idea of a good Friday night: Hangin' with a small group of friends at someone's house.
Young guy's idea of a good Friday night: Hangin' with his buddies while attempting to pick up chicks at a noisy bar.

3. Romance.
My idea of a good date: Talking about politics over sushi, followed by a movie in the comfort of one or the other's home.
Young guy's idea of a good date: Dinner at Applebee's, followed by barely audible conversation over seven beers at a noisy bar.

4. And speaking of conversation...
My favorite things to talk about: My family, faith, culture, politics, films, books.
Young guy's favorite things to talk about: Himself, his accomplishments, himself, his friends... and did I mention himself?


Okay, maybe I'm being a little harsh on the young guys, but I'm not too far off-base. However, until I meet someone my age or—to obey the command of my sister and aunt—someone at least five years older than me, this is what I'm left with.

Or am I just being too picky? You have my permission to psychoanalyze me.

The Age Difference Factor

Our guest blogger Seth is back with yet another great entry! It's funny how it happened this time. He emailed me the other day asking if he can write a post about age differences in relationships. It just so happens that I was planning on writing a post about that very subject this week!

As you will see below, Seth has a cool perspective on the whole thing, so he wrote about it for today, and I will be writing the girl's perspective tomorrow.

Just to give some background... Seth is 26 years old and often dates girls older than him. I am 28 and often date guys younger than me. This is what makes the guy-girl perspective on the same problem so cool. Read on...
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A year ago, I was engaged to a woman who was four years older than me. We didn’t break up over the age difference, but the age gap would have caused some SIGNIFICANT things to work through in marriage. My current policy is that I don’t date anyone older than me. Period. (My friend Steph always says “but what if you meet someone who JUST turned 27 two weeks before you met,” so I suppose there are exceptions).

The younger guy/older woman combo is a hot thing in our culture right now, due to the Ashton/Demi thing, the divorce rate, and umm… Sarah Palin, who’s proof that women are staying active, beautiful (some women actually look better in their 30’s and 40’s than they did in their 20’s), energetic, and fun right through their 40’s.

Here are five problems I see arising in the majority of younger guy/older woman relationships.

1. Parenting. I don’t know many guys who are looking forward to this role in life more than me. I recently started collecting vinyl records, in part because I want my kids to know the feeling of dropping the needle on classic albums like Bruce Springsteen’s Born to Run. I think about that stuff. A lot. But right now, I’m not at the point where I can dedicate as much energy and focus to parenting as a kid deserves. I will love any child that comes into my life (the only thing that makes me sad about the thought of step-kids is missing a part of their lives), but now is just not the time. If I was dating a woman older than me (let’s say, 30), now would DEFINITELY be the time for her. Either way, one party is giving up their dreams. Compromising is one thing, but letting go of your deepest desires in life—that only leads to resentment, and eventually hatred, in a relationship.

2. Financial. I would actually consider myself a “mild feminist,” but I still believe that a guy needs to be getting out there and providing the financial means for a good life for his spouse, and eventually, children. (Fortunately, women make closer to what they’re worth now, and I just may wind up with someone who makes more than me. In that case, great. I’ll buy myself those $3,000 racing bike wheels I want.) I just finished up grad school a year ago, and I have not secured myself financially enough to be able to provide for a woman older than me (again, let’s say 30), who has been on her own and deserves a husband who can improve her financial security in life.

3. Nesting. I have yet to pay more than $50 for a piece of furniture. I will soon own two bicycles that cost $x,xxx (it’s probably better that I don’t fill in the x’s). Women tend to develop a strong “nesting instinct,” meaning that they think it’s quite important to live in a way that’s less thrift-store and less nomadic than my current existence. This is a very good thing, as I would eventually like to sleep on a bed and put my clothes in a dresser that didn’t come from a dead relative. But again, I’m not ready for this, nor can I provide it financially. (Give me another two years, and I’ll probably be ready for something different.)

4. Danger. People die doing my hobbies. Not many, but each year we lose a few ironman competitors and mountain bikers to broken necks, broken backs, collisions with cars, and dehydration. I don’t know what the “adventure phase” of life looks like in women (it’s obviously there, because there are women who kick my butt in races), but most guys need a time to “sow their wild oats.” (Sadly, many guys think that this means getting really drunk and sleeping with girls they don’t care about, when what would really quench their desires is a good old-fashioned adventure). My friend John used to race snowmobiles. After he got married, he wrecked, punctured a lung, and almost died. His wife asked him to stop. He did (which was the right decision). I won’t always be a daredevil. But a woman older than me will probably want a guy who’s home more than I want to be right now, and for sure deserves a guy who has a better chance of not leaving her a widow than I can currently offer.

5. Maturity. By almost all accounts, I'm a pretty mature 26. But even I see that women tend to develop emotionally and psychologically at a different rate than men. (I'm not sure if this is cultural or programmed into our DNA.) At this stage in my life, this is the one area where it would actually be fine for me to date a woman older than me. However, from personal observation and experience, I've seen that the "maturity issues" don't usually pop up in an older woman/younger guy relationship until a few months in (keep in mind that new daters tend to be "on their game" and give the other person what they want to see) so my advice is to be cautious even if the maturity levels seem to match up in the beginning.

Awesome input, Seth! I'd like to hear from the male readership on this one. Are you dating or married to an older woman right now? How's that workin' out for ya? Let us know!! -Juliet

The Other Side of the Window

I'm doing much better today. I think going to work helped me, believe it or not. Sometimes the weekends can be kinda lonely for single people, which only adds more dirty water to that pool of misery we tend to wallow in. But the activity of the work day, being around other people, taking your mind off of your personal crap and instead focusing on what needs to be done in Work World... this is sometimes the best remedy to an extreme case of that nasty little disease called Self-Pity.

So now that I'm a little more cheerful, I'd like to spread some cheer by telling a really cool story I heard today.

One of my co-workers got engaged this weekend. When she was describing her fiancé and how she knew she wanted to marry him, she put it this way...

"You know how the older you get, the less picky you become about the little things? Like if the guy can't cook, for example. Some of those expectations you once had, you now throw out the window, ya know? Because chances are, you're not going to find someone who can fulfill them. Well, it was as if [my fiancé] was standing outside the window, catching all of the things I was throwing out."

I thought this was a sweet story and an awesome analogy. And it just goes to show that sometimes your expectations will be more than met.

Poor Me...

I don't know if it's because of the cold weather or the holidays or what, but I've been in some kind of funk lately. I've been walking around in a big black cloud, a permanent scowl on my face, heart heavy, tears almost always at the brink of forming.

I'm being a big baby, of course. I have no right to complain about anything, because the truth is, I have a good life. Like a really, REALLY good life. Especially compared to the thousands of people all over the country right now who are losing their jobs, their homes and even their families.

But no matter how much I try to put things into perspective, I'm still in the funk. And I can't seem to get out of it.

So I need to write about it.

There are many things for which I have pity on myself, but in keeping with the theme of this blog, I will list here only my love-related gripes.

Just a warning: I'm really baring my soul here. Read at your own risk...

1. I'm sad that I could have been married right now, if Paris hadn't gone and been an idiot.
2. I'm sad that all of the dates I've gone on lately have been fun, yes, but they all leave me feeling like something's missing.
3. I'm sad that I'm still a single mom. I thought I'd have help by now but I don't, and I'm exhausted.
4. I'm sad that this is my first Christmas having divorced parents.
5. I'm sad that it seems everywhere I go, I see couples who are happy and lovey and kissy and huggy...

There. I let it out.

I know that I need to stop reflecting on these things and instead just live my life. But that's easier said than done. I know I'll be fine, though. This isn't the first funk I've been in, and historically it doesn't take me long to recover.

But for now, the funk ain't fun.