Unpacking my Baggage, Part 4

So it was when I finally gained some confidence that I met someone with whom a true relationship would form. This was my first real grown-up relationship. It also broke my nine-month record. When that happened I thought it'd be this grand moment for me, but by that point I realized that it didn't really matter as much as I had always thought.

(Note: I will be writing about this particular boyfriend periodically and, for the sake of confidentiality, I'll be referring to him as "Paris." This goes with the whole Romeo & Juliet theme. Paris, if you recall, was the man that Juliet was SUPPOSED to marry. That is, before Romeo came along to sweep her off her pretty little feet. Also, my daughter will heretofore be known as "Julietta." You know, like "little Juliet." Cute, right?)

I had actually known Paris for a long time but didn't know him well. We reunited at a friend's wedding, where the sparks started flying the moment we laid eyes on each other. In the months after we started dating, we would recall that night over and over again, how it was so obvious that fate had brought us together. There were so many signs, so many similarities between our individual thoughts and actions that night. I had never experienced that kind of connection with anyone before, and neither had he.

Our relationship was long-distance at first. We would talk on the phone for three hours a night, easily, and we'd see each other any time we possibly could. He made surprise visits often, which thrilled me. He also made me several mixed CDs with "our songs," and wrote elaborate emails about how much he loved me. He had an unprecedented passion for music, politics, food, adrenaline and me. And he was extremely good-looking. I was IN HEAVEN.

Paris was great with Julietta, and she was crazy about him. She was drawn to his endless supply of energy and enthusiasm. Sometimes I felt left out, watching the two of them have so much fun together. Yet at the same time I was grateful that I had found this seemingly perfect guy who loved my daughter and whom my daughter loved.

All that time that I'd been searching for the right man, I'd foolishly believed that, when it comes to Julietta, the guy just had to be someone who really cared about her. So when Paris had passed that test, I thought the coast was clear. However, I learned the hard way that a person can love my daughter till the day is long, but if he can't accept ALL of the nooks and crannies that come with our unconventional little family, chaos will ensue. 

Before I knew it, Paris and I were fighting almost every night. And they were not you-left-the-toilet-seat-up-again fights. I'm talking hard-core, earth-shattering, heartwrenching fights. The kind that would leave us more confused coming out of it than going in. The kind that never seemed to have a solution, no matter how desperately we tried to find one.

But we still loved each other with a passion, and we still believed that we were meant to be together. I think we were also stubbornly determined to make it work, whatever the cost. We were insistent on fitting that square peg into the round slot. 

So, what did we do?

We got engaged.

My Latest Obsession(s)

Today begins the third and final week of the Scarcity Myth Experiment, which means I now have to look at, smile and say hello (or "hey!" or "what up?" or "which way to the weight room?", etc.) to someone I find attractive. I must say, now that I'm at this point, I'm a little nervous! It does take a lot of guts to talk to someone you don't know—and whose wife or girlfriend could potentially be lingering around the corner. But I'm determined to try it, merely for curiosity's sake. But not for anything else's sake. I wouldn't go behind curiosity's back like that—it's been good to me.

Also, I saw another movie tonight that I have to recommend to anyone who has a pulse. It's an independent film called Bella. I chose to rent this film because: 

a) Several people told me I should;

b) I kinda have a thing for the name Bella; and

c) This is the lead actor...

Need I say more?

I needn't, but I will.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that the film is even more beautiful than Eduardo Verástegui is. It's not really a story of romantic love, although there are glimpses of that. It's more a story of how a broken soul finds healing, and how even the most unlikely people in your life can provide just the support you need to find said healing. And the best thing about it? Every single second of this film could have been real life. I'm amazed at how the writers, director and cast were able to give the viewer such an honest, vulnerable and beautiful glimpse of reality as we know it. 

Just a warning: You're probably going to cry at some point while watching this film. (Even you macho men out there may shed a tear). And if you're a parent? Just grab tissues now. That's all I'm sayin'. 

If any of you have seen Bella, I'd love to hear your thoughts about it. In the meantime, I will be dreaming of Eduardo...

The Hollywoodization of America

I just started attending a new church, and funny enough, the past two sermons have been about marriage. I've discussed before my cynicism about marriage. So to hear that it can not only work, but also be this beautiful, fruitful, peaceful thing... well, let's just say I'm beginning to warm up to the idea again.

There are three specific details mentioned in these sermons that completely shook the core of my previous conceptions about marriage. No matter what your spiritual beliefs are, I'm confident you can learn from them as well. I will be paraphrasing the words of Gary Thomas and Bob Bouwer, respectively, who gave the sermons. Of course, they tell it much better than I do, so if you'd like to download the podcasts, you can do so here.

Check this out...

1) Gary Thomas says that the idea of "falling in love" with someone before marrying them, didn't even exist until about the 1400s. The concept of romantic love was later perpetuated by the romantic poets like Shakespeare, and of course now is all over the place in today's American culture. But for thousands of years, before the 1400s, people married solely out of natural necessity rather than love. This puts into perspective the way our selection process has drastically changed, and makes the idea of marrying simply for romantic love, seem kind of silly.

2) Similarly, according to Bob Bouwer, there was a recent study done on Christian marriages in the U.S. versus India. In all of the American marriages studied, the couples had gone through the process of dating, falling in love and then choosing to get married. The Indian marriages, however, were all pre-arranged. There was no dating or courting; some of them didn't even meet until their wedding day. And according to this study, 41% of American Christian marriages end in divorce. The Indian marriages? Less than 2%. Unbelievable. This goes to show that our reasons for marrying may be just a tad off base. Bouwer put it this way: "The commitment should always come first. Then the love."

3) You know those big swooping feelings you get when you first fall in love with someone? How you think about them constantly and you get butterflies in your stomach and all that jazz? Well, according to Gary Thomas, it is a proven, scientific, biological fact that those feelings inevitably go away after only 12 to 18 months. So that means, if you're choosing or have chosen to marry someone because you've never felt that way about anyone in your whole life, then you will surely be disappointed when, after a couple of years, that feeling disappears. Thomas's point is that our culture's expectations are out of whack. We focus too much on looking for that perfect someone who will sweep us off of our feet, when the reality is, that person will only end up falling off of the superficial pedestal we have placed them on.

What's refreshing about knowing these facts is that it shifts our lofty ideas of what marriage should be. I think we have been so Hollywood-ized, brainwashed to believe in soulmates and love at first sight. So sometimes, when reality turns out to be anything less than that perfect picture, we think we've made a mistake. Like we've chosen the wrong mate and therefore need to find the right one. And the downward spiral begins.

I know not every marriage is like this. I personally know many married couples who have not fallen into this spiral, because they understand the idea of commitment-over-love. I want to congratulate these couples, and also emulate them. So beginning this week, I am going to highlight some of the strongest married couples I know. They will be sharing how they found each other, and how they stick together even during life's most unstickable moments. I think everyone—married or not—will have a lot to learn from these amazing people. So stay tuned!

Things You Love

Thanks to the whole TWO PEOPLE who participated in my first-ever "contest." I'm glad to know I have such an abundance of participatory readers. But for all I know, these two commenters are the only ones reading this silly blog, so I guess I can't complain.

Whatever the case, they each listed multiple things they love, so it was still a somewhat difficult decision. I had a hard time deciding whether or not to judge based on relatability or creativity. I decided on the former but will still give credit for the latter.

So here are the winners...

3rd place: From lindsay, "Picking/popping anything pickable/popable. Gross, I know." It is gross, Lindsay, but we all agree that this is a disturbingly satisfying activity. I was actually going to put this on my list but I changed my mind because I didn't want to sound disgusting. Thank you for doing the dirty work for me.

2nd place: Again, from lindsay, "Changing into my lounging clothes." This is one of the first things I do when I get home from work. After a long day at the office, it is sooooooo therapeutic.

And the first-place winner is...

From I'm Cas., "I time laundry perfectly and the sheets come out clean, dry and warm right before I need to put sheets on and go to bed." This is so right-on, so something I would do. In fact, I'm really mad at myself for not thinking of it when making my own list. I wish I could crawl into a bed of warm sheets right now, but that would mean doing laundry at 11:23 p.m., which means it'd be 1:00 a.m. before I could even go to bed. And my bed is already mad at me that I'm not in it right now. It's all, "Suck it up, dude, you need me. So you're gonna take me cold or you're not gonna take me at all!" And I'm like "Hey, look, don't yell at me, aiiight? This was all I'm Cas.'s fault for putting such a crazy idea in my head. Maybe if some MORE PEOPLE had participated in my CONTEST, I would be content with my cold sheets, okay?"

Ahem.

I would also like to give I'm Cas. honorable mention for using the phrase "Carbohydrate Wonderland" in one of her other items. Sounds like a place I need to visit.

I should also probably visit my bed before it starts swingin'. Good Night!

Things I Love

My blog posts have been rather intense this week, what with my continuous saga of one failed relationship after another. I think it's time I lighten the mood a little. 

This is a blog about love, right? So I feel it's appropriate that I periodically share things that I, well, love. I'm talking about those little everyday moments when you find yourself saying, "I love it when..." I believe that these moments are some of the best this life has to offer, so I consider it my civil duty to document them. You may not agree with all of my choices, but simma down, you'll get your turn.

Things I Love...

1. Pressing buttons on an elevator. No matter what age I am, it never gets old.

2. When my text message alert goes off. *Bing!* Someone likes me!

3. When my co-workers and I are all slap-happy at the same time. Everyone else may think we're annoying, but we think we're hilarious.

4. The word "pshaw." It's better read than said. Pure literary magic, that word.

5. Looking up my house on Google Earth. It's creepy and awesome all at the same time.

6. When I wake up in the middle of the night and realize I still have several hours left to sleep. What? It's only midnight? Not 6 a.m.? Sweet!!

7. When I can sing (say?) an entire rap song, word for word. It is one of the most fulfilling experiences on earth, is it not? My specialties are: "Everybody Dance Now" by C&C Music Factory, "Knockin' Boots" by Candyman (filthy lyrics, but I know all of them!), and the theme song to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. (I know I'm not alone on that one. Holla!)

That's all I've got for now, but I will make other "Things I Love" lists from time to time. Because I'm sure there are hundreds of things that I love and I don't even know it.

In the meantime, I want to know your "I love it when..." moments! Leave a comment about it, and I will pick my favorite one and feature it on tomorrow's post! I don't have any fancy prizes or anything, but my opinion is prize enough, am I right?

Pshaw.

Unpacking my Baggage, Part 3

Many people have asked me what dating is like as a single mom, and I never really know what to tell them. In many ways, it doesn't seem to be all that different from regular-person dating. Of course, there are some things I am more aware of. I'm very careful about who I introduce my daughter to. I don't want her to get attached to every Tom, Dick and Harry who so much as looks at me. Also, there isn't a lot of room for spontaneity in my relationships, what with the whole childcare issue and everything. 

But the real question, I think, should be directed at the men who have dated me. I'm still surprised by guys' reactions when they find out that I'm a single mom. When I first had the baby, I guess I expected that men would run far away from me. And some did, of course, but most didn't. Most guys didn't act phased at all that I had a child. Some even thought it was cool. This was such a relief—and a shock—to me.

But usually, a switch would eventually take place. At first everything would be great, but when they learned the truth of what it really means to date a single mom, all hell would break loose.

It didn't help that I transformed from being a cool commitment-phobe to a clingy husband-hunter. Becoming a mother made me want so much more for my life. I learned how to love another human in a way I had never experienced before. And I wanted to transfer that over to my romantic relationships. I was so intent on having the other necessary component for a happy little nuclear family as I knew it, that it made me over-eager. 

Guys aren't all that crazy about the over-eager.

After about three years' worth of rejection and disappointment, I started to get my life together in every other area of my life (i.e. moving up in my career, moving out of my parents' house... you know, independent woman stuff). And in doing so, I finally gained the confidence I had been lacking when I was too busy forcing a cookie-cutter life upon my boyfriends.

It was at this point that I realized I didn't NEED a man, dangit.

And that is precisely when a man showed up.

Unpacking my Baggage, Part 2

I've been boy-crazy since I was, like, four. I don't know why. I guess it's just the way the good Lord made me. But whatever the reason, my affection for boys has dominated my life for pretty much all of my life.

I've had many boyfriends, my first being when I was in 5th grade. Since then, I've dated more guys than I can count. I used to think this was normal, going out with someone for two months or so and then simply moving to the next one. But then I got to college and realized that most of my peers had maybe only one or two boyfriends/girlfriends in their whole lifetime, and these relationships lasted for two, sometimes three, sometimes more years. 

This was a big wake-up call for me. I felt like I was missing out on something big. At that point in my life, I had never known what it was like to be in a relationship for longer than 9 months. So I became obsessed with breaking that record. Because otherwise, I feared, something must be seriously wrong with me. I also became obsessed with the length of other people's relationships. I wanted to know if there was anyone else out there like me, who operated by the "shorter is better" mentality. When I'd meet someone new (girl or guy), I'd ask how long their longest relationship was. Most responses ranged in the one-to-two-year range. Upon hearing that, every time, my disappointment was palpable.

After much soul-searching, I learned that the reason I wasn't experiencing this kind of commitment in my relationships is because all that time, I'd been looking for the "high" that I thought a boy/guy/man could bring me. And as some of you may know, a "high," by nature, always comes down. It never lasts forever. So when one high ended, I'd skip the scene and leave it clean, in search of my next "drug." 

There was one time when I was so in need of something exciting, something to bring me fulfillment, that I became careless. And, well, my carelessness resulted in something that would change my life forever. 

That's right, I got knocked up.

Having a child obviously changed my world. Better yet, it took my world by the feet, turned it upside down and shook it, until all of my preconceived notions about life and love were emptied out. Then, it gently flipped me right side up and slowly began filling my world again, with a whole new consciousness.

That's when my romantic relationships took a turn, and mostly for the worse. Stay tuned...